Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Blame it on the Rain

Today I drove 120 miles to a Walmart so I could be abused.

The purpose of driving that far wasn't to patronize a Walmart. My OB/GYN wanted to look at my tubal ligation incision scars. (You can't even tell they are there he did such a bang up job!) His office is a couple miles away from a large shopping complex including a Sam's Club and a Walmart. Since I was there I figured I'd do the grocery shopping.

Is there a reason that Walmart is a madhouse on a Tuesday at noon? That corner of Hell was packed full of people!

Wait...I know the reason. It was raining cats and dogs. Don't scoff! I worked too long as a grocery store cashier, from ages 16 to 20, and I got to know conspicuous consumer habits. Some long buried electrical circuit of instinct in the brain fires off when it storms, survival mode clicks on and the conspicuous consumer needs beer and oreos and Celine Dion CDs right NOW.

Fie on you if you are blocking the shelf that contains the one item that they came out in the rain for . In my case, I was pondering the differences in soy sauce when I got a nudge to the butt from the only other cart in the aisle. I look behind me. Woman nudges again. I continue my search for the cheapest soy sauce...woman nudges again. I turn around, look at the woman and say, "Quit that!" Woman glares. I was there first and had you waited another 1.5 seconds I would have made my selection and moved on. She must have gotten her La Choy and got the hell out of the store because if I had to meet up with her again in another aisle I would have had to take her down.

(I've had this problem before, the day after Thanksgiving a few years back, at a Big Lots. I had a creative solution to the problem which I might have to blog about but I couldn't utilize that solution today.)

Finally I wheel my 500 lb cart to a checkout. I'm chatting merrily away to the cashier but not getting any response. None, nada. Walmart cashiers aren't the most chatty folks, I can accept this, but this cashier seemed to be one of the happy variety. I couldn't figure it out! Until she spoke that is...she was deaf! She didn't hear a word and I realized that nothing I'd said was worth listening to anyway. This is the bain of housewifely existence. You flirt with grocery store employees because they are there. Yes ma'am that IS a big cucumber!

And to end my long distance trip to Walmart in the rain...an idiot honking behind me while I was waiting to pull out of the Walmart parking lot. He apparently couldn't understand that I was not risking my life so he could make his own right turn 1 second sooner. Had he nudged my new van I would have had to take him down too.

I know you folks were expecting another band camp story. As I learned today, patience is a virtue. I'll see what I can crank out tomorrow. Mwah!


  1. Ever thought about a career in the WWE?? Nah, Wal Mart's customer service isn't what I'd actually call genuine....

  2. gadzooks!
    what was it with Walmart and the rain yesterday? Over here in Utah it was no better. I go there because the diapers they have work the best and cost the least but %#@$?! could the employees be LESS help? I'm juggling a 19 mo and due with another squirrel in less than a month but the cashier could NOT be moved past putting the groceries in the bags on the spinning bag thingy. She even stood there sucking her teeth as I ran and signed my credit card and then resumed putting the bags in the cart. Are there new insurance reasons they can't put a bag or two in the cart? Nope, because she finally drug her pokey can around to put the LAST bag in the cart.

  3. Ah yes...Walmart stories.....Down here in Texas, most of those consist of me going at 3 AM and dealing with the nasty ass white trash whores who weigh 300 lbs in tube tops, and spandex bike shorts, with the flip flops that youcan hear 5 miles away....and to top it off, it's 3 AM and they drag all 15 of their rugrats to the store with them....what ever happened to common sense...I hate people

  4. Wally-world ....
    have you read any of my rants about Sam Walton and his store of fucktards?

    Me & Wally have a love/hate relationship.
    This week I love them.
    They had everything I wanted/needed, nobody rammed their cart into me or my cart, old ladies didn't stop in the middle of the fricken aisle and STAND there for the next 10 minutes staring at ??????, even the stock people got out of my way!

    Yes, I love Wally-world.
    This week.

  5. I went to a Walmart in Utah! I could either go to Elko or into the Salt Lake area. I use a little less gas for the same mileage into Utah. I wonder if we were at the same Walmart? ooooooh

  6. Hey Ed, they do that here in FL too!


    I call Wal-mart "date night" on Fridays and Saturdays.
    Especially around 2-4am!

    Oh yeah, it gets kinda rough lookin then, like you want a body condom or something.

  7. I consider walmart a date. God I'm pathetic :D

  8. hey now!
    You are safe from having to run into THIS fabulously pregnant chica as I live down here in Spanish Fork (or is it Fark?).

    Unnerving. I too have gone on dates with my husband to Wallmart, but I passed up pathetic years ago SO I JUST DON'T CARE!!

  9. dammit, I'll have to scroll down and check out the band camp story!!

    and it sounds like you were at the Jordan Landings Walmart. They are ridiculously unerstaffed.

    One time, when i was a waitress, I approached a table and cheerful asked if the man seated there, looking at his menu, would like anything to drink while he was deciding....after repeating myself and gettnig no response, I ALMOST said, "are ya deaf??"...turned out he was.

  10. Utilized a creative solution to the problem....you weren't going to FART on her, were you? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  11. WalMart...I know they have the best prices on goods that will be tossed in less than a year...but I hate going there...the near my office is the worst I've ever seen...last time I went kids were riding the bikes in the store and almost every aisle was completely blocked by thoughtless consumers who can pick something up but has to leave it in the middle of the row.

    I would have liked to see you take down the cart pusher.

  12. I suppose at SOME point I'm going to have to create an identity. I just assume you know it's me. I'm like that. Narcissism runs through my veins like salty blood runs through yours!

    But this, for now, is infinitely more satisfying, and I'm at a loss to know WHY. Keep blogging. I like keeping up with you guys this way. Kiss the sprout for me (the little one, not the big one).

  13. i don't know what it is about Wal-Mart, but before God created Costco and saved my marriage, my husband and I would shop at Wal-Mart because it really was cheaper. problem was, whenever we took more than two steps into the store, he would give me the look that says: i gotta go... NOW. not a huge problem, if the love of your life doesn't have issues with using public restrooms. i can't tell you how many times we would go to Wal-Mart and he would end up leaving me there to do the shopping, go home, take a shit and come back to get me. you would have thought we would have learned our lesson after the second time... No. we're not that intelligent... and we like to make useless trips and waste gas. i love living in america.


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