Friday, October 07, 2005

A Thanksgiving's Dayafter Dream

"The term "passive-aggressive" was introduced in a 1945 U.S. War Department technical bulletin, describing soldiers who weren't openly insubordinate but shirked duty through procrastination, willful incompetence, and so on."
--straightdope.com

My dear friend Anonymous let the cat out of the bag in her comment on my October 4th entry about shopping at Walmart. I said in that post, "I had a creative solution to the problem which I might have to blog about" when talking about an inconsiderate shopper in my past life. If you find bodily functions and 3rd grade humor utterly rude and disgusting this post is not for you. Go here instead.

My little sister Jill and I had decided to risk our lives and go out shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We'd had each spent the day before stuffing our faces and unbuttoning our pants at two Thanksgiving dinners, one our family's and one at our respective inlaw's family's. The plan was to get up and move around the next day so we could unblock our colons.

My colon was union and was protesting working overtime with hot winded speeches. That's understated. Satan had taken up residence in my lower body and I had given him permission with that extra piece of pie drenched in whipped cream.

Jill...and rightly so...was becoming exasperated with me but I didn't see what I could do about the situation besides keep the windows down in the car. Holding it in? Could you hold in Satan? I didn't think so.

We made it to Kmart where they were having a sale on Gameboys. It took all my effort to keep things to myself and I failed in the CD aisle. Rushing away I see a teenaged girl wrinkle her nose and then scream, "Mom, not again!" It's nice to know you aren't alone.

We make our way through a few more stores. I'm clenching so hard that I'm walking funny. Poor Jill...she's a good soul for putting up with my abuse.

At the end of our trip we get to Big Lots. Xmas toy sales abound! The store wasn't especially crowded compared to everywhere else so we decided to take our time.

We'd stop with our cart in front of us to look at a toy. A woman with her own cart would walk up, move our cart about three feet while we were standing right next to it and put her own cart in it's place. She'd scoot her body over and stand shoulder to shoulder with us. The woman did this repeatedly as we moved about the store. You can't let other shoppers get at the good crap before you! Muttering, Jill walked off to get something leaving me with the cart and this insane woman.

I move to yet another toy aisle, stop, park and look. She follows and does the predictable. I stand next to her and continue looking at Moon Me Elmo. We are the only two shoppers in the entire area of that store and I felt like teaching her a lesson about personal space.

I unclench and I FART.

Smiling at her, I take my cart and leave her with it. Did she follow me? Nooooooo. The rest of the shopping trip is peaceful and insane woman free.

Normally I wouldn't think of being so crass. I'm not a pinky in the air proper type of girl, but I do try not to pass wind in public places!

Meh...this woman deserved it.

2 comments:

  1. Nice...I always enjoy finding new ways to annoy people who deserve to be sterilised and for good measure shot....how does the saying go? A stupid plan that works isn't stupid.....

    Cheers!

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  2. sigh...
    I WISH that I were refined and sophisticated and that the above post did not darn near make me wet my maternity pants, I was laughing so hysterically.

    Alas, I was raised in a family with the odd juxtaposition of uptight good LDS manners (as you are from Happy Valley I know you know what I am talking about), yet a hefty dose of lactose and gluten intolerance. I am helpless in the face of flatulence humor.

    ReplyDelete

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