Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Sclemeel, Schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated

For my birthday my parents, my three sisters, a sister's husband and a grown nephew came to visit me. What a crew. What this means is that it's CASINO DAY! That's when we all set forth, a mass of loud family togetherness, onto the Montego Bay Casino for brunch buffet and penny slots. (Despite the look of the Montego Bay website, know there are NO tropical plants in Bendover, or beaches, or hunky craps dealers.)

At one point the ladies in my family sit down in a forgotten corner to play a row of Laverne & Shirley and Gilligan's Island penny slot machines. They are especially entertaining because when you hit the bonus round you get the dizzying fun of watching a turntable of coconuts or beer bottles spin your way to riches on top of the machine. I'm sitting at a Laverne & Shirley, my sister Lisa playing Laverne on my right, my mom to my left diddling a Gilligan and my sister Lori to her left also diddling a Gilligan. My sister Jill was behind us content with a keno machine.

(Excuse me a moment, my baby is three shades of stinky and it needs to be taken care of.)

I can't hit a bonus for the life of me. My sisters are hitting boners. My mom is hitting boners. I can't get a boner. I want to watch my beer bottles spin! Sigh. I had been ahead and I cash out of that machine with the same amount I put into it never getting a boner. I'm penny machine impotent. Damn you Laverne De Fazio! Damn you Fonzie!

My sister Jill moves in. She's a covetress. She's on my Laverne like white on rice. What does Jill do in her first couple spins? She gets a bonus. MY bonus. Jill bets 20 cents and gets MY BONUS. Didn't anyone tell her that it was my birthday? Apparently not.

The beer bottles spin, whirly whirly. They land on a multiplier. This is good because you get another spin and it will multiply the amount on the bottle and you win all the more. We cheer, but I cheer less enthusiastically than the others. The second spin lands on yet another multiplier. They cheer louder, I hrmph. We start attracting bystanders with our noise. Spin three...another goddamned multiplier. My family roars. I start cussing. Bystanders cheer. The final spin. Another multiplier. My family bursts into flame. I throw ashtrays. The crowd pats Jill on the back. Four multipliers in a row means a BIG bonus...

What did Jill win on MY bonus? One hundred dollars on 20 cent bet. She wouldn't share. She wouldn't even go find a cocktail waitress for me. Happy Birthday my ass!

Mom and I move so she can recoup the $25 she lost with another machine. She does this nicely by hitting a bonus for $78 with a 60 cent bet. She cashes out at around a hundred dollars happy as a clam. It put her $75 ahead for the day. She wouldn't share either.

I leave with $5 more in my pocket than I came with. More is better than less. Did I share my winnings. Hell no, they are MINE!


  1. Oh, poor Becky!!!! I had lots of fun winning 100 smackers with a HUGE boner. I am the one that usually gets nothing so it was my turn. I also had lots of cocktails for you!!!

  2. Little sisters should be smacked. Shall I hold her down for you? That can be my birthday gift to you!

  3. Hitting boners while diddling Gilligan???


  4. penny slot machines? I've never heard of such a thing...boners I know all about those.

  5. Computer based slot machines can do all sorts of things, like pay you with printed tickets instead of coins. The tickets have bar codes on them. You can cash out with a ticket and just put it into another machine, or put the ticket in a payment kiosk and get cash. You can also feed the machines bills. You can feed your bills into the payment kiosks and get change.

    The ticket system killed the need for two types of employees. You don't need nearly as many cashiers and you will never see change people wandering around the casino floor anymore. The payment kiosks make a lot less mistakes too.

    I have nothing to say about boners.

  6. "my mom to my left diddling a Gilligan"

    That sounds so dirty...

    Can you do it again? ;)

  7. Gilligan never lets you diddle for free.

  8. sounds like your sister is one of those people... a lurker!!!

  9. A lurker, indeed! But I love the Laverne and Shirley slots! That's what my friend and I were going to dress up as for halloween.

  10. So funny...We're getting slots and I think some other gambling options in Pittsburgh and I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose my house. Those machines hypnotize me...I can never enter one of the casinos or whatever clever name they've come up with for a place that has nothing but slots...I'll be cashing my paycheck and signing away the house...

  11. I do not think that I should be smacked or hit in any way!! Just cause I have all the luck from Laverne does not mean I should be a punching bag. Gosh, can't a girl have a little fun while having free cocktails?


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