Monday, November 14, 2005

Why Dinosaurs are Extinct.

Saturday I took my almost 12 year old son to see Zathura. It is now the coolest most cool and cool-tudinal movie ever. It's the zenith of movie enjoyment. I thought it was alright.

There was almost a movie disaster. It was cut short for the audience of Zathura by a tantrum. Daddy took his toddler daughter to see a movie. He thought he could sneak around on her and see Zathura but she knew better. She knew it wasn't Chicken Little and so she screamed and she moaned and she kicked and she hit. I was already annoyed with this duo for butting in front of me in the snack line and just shrugging off my "Excuse me!" All the cajoling in the world wasn't going to convince this little girl that she would indeed like Zathura. At the point where I was going to start throwing bits of my hot cheesy pretzel at them, they got up and left. AND...miracle of miracles...they didn't return! Did they move into the other theater to see Chicken Little? I dunno, I don't care! Buh bye darlings!

I so love children in movie theaters. Some children handle it fine. Others...well we've all been there. My oldest child was in the "other" category for most of his childhood and we deprived him of early childhood theater experiences. Poor kid, we've damaged him for life!

Let me tell you about some children who should have been subject to more deprivation...

1. I went to see Spanglish. Seated in front of me were two women, a man and three girls, ages 7-11. They proceed to play a game of tag throughout the whole movie. Tag complete with running and hiding and "you're it!" I asked them on multiple occasions to sit, as mama didn't seem to be paying attention because she was too busy talking out loud to the characters on the screen! Dumb me didn't think to complain further.

2. Justin and I went to see Alladin. Of course there will be children. This particular child was running in between the seats pre-movie and generally annoying folks trying to be seated. This is when, clumsy me, I spill my entire 64 oz Sprite on the floor. Someone goes to tell management and Justin and I move a row behind my spill. Running child chooses our previous row to run in and slips then falls into a puddle of Sprite. I think God caused me to spill that day.

3. Justin and I go to see Jurassic Park. Seated in the front row is Daddy and his five year old son. Every ten seconds for the first part of the movie the child asks, "Daddy, where are the dinosaurs? Daddy, you said there would be dinosaurs! Daddy, dinosaurs! Where are the dinosaurs!" Dinosaurs show up...they are large and cute. "Daddy, lookit the dinosaurs! Daddy dinosaurs! Daddy LOOOOK!" The dinosaurs eventually get some attitude and the boy in the front row proceeds to scream in fright the rest of the movie. Good choice there Dad.

4. Justin and I go to see The Phantom of the Opera in Provo. The theater is PACKED. I'm seated next to a sweet BYU spirit who cannot believe that they will be seeing the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE IN ETERNITY besides "The Work and the Glory" (That's a mormon movie about Joseph Smith, if you don't know.) I know she's about to wet herself with excitement because she can't sit still. She pipes up with spoilers all the way through (Like her spoilers were any worse than that movie was...god it sucked.) and bursts into tears during the songs. I think she even had an orgasm during "Masquerade".

5. Our whole family (I'm still quite pregnant at this point) goes to see the last Star Wars. Across the aisle is Mommy and Daddy and small infant. Infant doesn't cotton to the loud noises and cries. Mommy whips out a boob and suckles him. Baby falls asleep until the next loud noise. Mommy whips out the boob and hooks him up. Baby sleeps, noise, boob...well you get the idea. Daddy keeps receiving cell phone calls. Near the end of the movie I heft my nine month pregnant bod out of my chair to go pee. I get dirty looks from Mommy and Daddy (and the infant too, I swear) for opening the theater door and allowing a little light in. Ten more minutes of movie and Mommy leaves baby with Daddy and takes cell phone outside. Baby cries. Movie ends. We pass Mommy on the way out telling cell phone friend that that was the coolest movie and she didn't even see how it ended!

6. I go to see Spiderman. I'm seated behind three teenaged boys who may or may not be my husband's students. They talk through the entire movie. At the end the Phantom gets what's coming to him in the nuts which makes all three of them groan heartily. I say loudly, "Thats what should happen to boys who talk through movies!" They turn around to look at me and the rest of the audience applaud. The teens appreciate my wit and silently watch the rest.



  1. God that was hilarious. Nothing is worse to me then a bad movie experience. You pay that much money and then sit there annoyed or pissed the whole time. What a great time.

  2. Gahhhgk!
    I HATE that!

    I go to a movie to get away from kids. What really chaps my butt is when people drag their kids to PG-13 movies for the LATE show. You think you are safe, that no parent is THAT stupid or inconsiderate, not so.


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