Sunday, December 04, 2005

Ants in my Pants

When my oldest was seven or eight years old (he's now 11) we had some problems with him getting the idea that it was bedtime and therefore, in the interest of actually sleeping, one must stay in their bed.

One particular night he'd been up to:

Go potty
Go potty again
Get a drink
Check a loose tooth
Go potty
Beg for a snack
Get an extra blanket
Brush his teeth...

Needless to say, I was annoyed. I told him to go to bed, stay in bed, or else the duct tape was coming out. He sighs and goes back to his room.

Fifteen minutes later he emerges doing another potty dance. I declare, duct tape in hand, that he does NOT need to go to the bathroom. I didn't care if he exploded, he was going back to bed! He tells me his penis hurts. I roll my eyes. Anyone that handles it that much going potty in lieu of going to bed is going to have a sore penis.

My son dials up the intensity of the potty dance and his eyes well up in tears. I relent. I tell him I'm going to have to look at the penis so I can see what's wrong with it. He's embarrassed, I'm embarrassed. The pain becomes unbearable and he lets me look.

There is an ant on his penis...

And it's biting the hell out of it.

Don't insects have bedtimes? I brush the ant away and tell him to go to bed. I manage to save my guffawing until after he shuts his door.

The next day I venture into his room to clean up whatever food he'd snuck in there to cause the ants.


At the beginning of this school year my oldest son declared he was too old to wear underwear. I was picking him up from school and this revelation brought him to wracking sobs.

I told him that even I wasn't too old to wear underwear and that not wearing underwear wasn't going to be an option...ever...not even when he's 40.

It took another few minutes of wracking sobs to reveal that he didn't want to go commando but that he felt he was too old for tighty whities. Tighty whities are for babies. He wanted to now wear manly boxer shorts.

I told him his style of underwear was up to him (afterall, I wasn't wearing his underwear) but he'd have to wait for a trip to the store to buy some boxers.

It was at this point I made a "mom" mistake.

I had the bright idea, since I'm a seamstress and all, that I could pull some fabric out of my stash and sew him some boxers! He looked at me like I was insane. I'm not really insane, just randomly dumb...

Whose mother sews their UNDERWEAR for them?

Obviously, my son's mother. I'm going to be a great mother in law someday.


  1. Hand-sewn underwear? That would be good for years of therapy!

  2. Your poor little boy !! an ant on his penis! awwww

    Hey, I don't think you're crazy (about the sewing underwear) the first thing I ever sewed for myself was a pair of cute snoopy boxers to wear under my school uniform skirt.

  3. Oh MAN! I know that hurt. A couple of summers ago, making my son 4 he was standing in the kitchen just pulling at his poor Pish. I asked him if he had to potty, he said no, that it scratches. I just to see what was causing his problem. So down with the pants and there it is, a TICK right at the tip. LOL! Poor thing.

  4. um, ants in the pants make you do the potty dance?

    guess the stupid song is true...

  5. If you notice, to the right I have Wil Wheaton's blog listed. He's the boy that pulled the leech out of his underoos in Stand By Me. I think I'm gonna email him this blog post.

  6. That is too precious, sewing his boxes. Man, I wished my sewing machine worked, and not to sew boxers either.

    Yeah the kids had a problem with going to bed on time. Their bed times would be say at 9 and at 9 they'd start their brushing of teeth and last glass of water and kisses good night (heck the boy-child used to grab his shower at 8:45 so he'd still be in the shower at 9). In the end it got so bad that baths have to be started an hour before bedtime and 15 mins til, they do their last glass of water, brushing of the teeth and kisses good night, that way the lights are out at bedtime.

  7. Just curious, do you have his 'Therapy Fund' started yet????


  8. My baby (now 9) zipped himself up in his footie jammies when he was 4. It hurt just to look at it. So he is more than happy to wear his tighty whities with everything (although he prefers they not be white, and he also prefers that they be boxer briefs....)
    I doubt he'll ever announce he's too old for undies.

  9. My 3 yr old, pulls out every stop to stay out of bed
    (thankfully, there have been no insects. He has even came down the stairs and told my husband and myself, " Phew, I forgot what you looked like, I think I need to stay here with you to remember." We sent him back up with a Family picture. :)

  10. Damn those are funny.

    So, did he let you make him some underwear?

  11. Oh my goooooooodness, I wish you had daughters!!! (so my kids could marry yours, etc...) Boxers are easy enough to sew*,, if you were putting together some tighty whities, THAT'S a problem. I don't know why, but it just seems way weirder. I guess because teenage girls (and some of the rest of us) have been wearing boxers to bed for years. Ok, maybe I'm a weirdo, too...

    *which is not to imply that you aren't perfectly capable of sewing the most difficult of stuff, it just seems that if you're putting very little effort into something it's less creepy...for underwear. I'm going to go somewhere and try to make my brain work again.

  12. My mum made my underwear when I was a kid - out of non-stretchy cotton.

  13. Can you make me some with Brittany Spears plastered all over them? The ants on the penis thing made me squirm, just a little.

  14. hilarious! you should post a picture of the boxers you make. you could make a killing.


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