Thursday, February 23, 2006

It's a Whopper!

Today is my oldest boy's 12th birthday. Happy Birthday Kaelan!

Warning! This post contains descriptive elements of pooping out a baby. If you don't want to read about the juicier bits of childbirth (Which isn't nearly as juicy as the birth story I posted on February 5th) then stop HERE. I done warned you again!

Feb. 22, 1994. I have an OB appointment at noon. The OB wants to see if the baby is growing to gargantuan proportions as I'm three days overdue. I'm not gargantuan however. My legs and arms and face are all skinny...I just look like I stuffed a basketball under my shirt and two more in the back of my pants. I'm nesting. The night before I spent a great deal of time ironing my husband's boxer shorts My contractions had started around ten that morning. Regular and fifteen minutes apart.

At my appointment the doctor decides to send me to the hospital for an ultrasound and a non stress test. My usual OB went on vacation and so his partner sees me. She's doubling up on patients...it's a full moon...and she wants some sort warning how her schedule is going to be for the next 48 hours. My mom goes with me to the hospital. The ultrasound reveals that the baby I'm carrying will weigh close to ten pounds. I curse at the ultrasound technician. I'm hooked up to a monitor for the non stress test. The nurse can see my contractions, now twelve minutes apart. I ask if it's real labor. She says she doesn't know and leaves.

4:00 pm. I'm resting at my parents house after my jaunt to the hospital. They feed me and then they feed me again. We start timing contractions in earnest. When I leave for my own house four hours later my contractions are seven minutes apart. Yes, I was ok to drive. Justin had been sitting at home waiting for me while I ate my parent's food.

8:20 pm. I'm at a Kmart. I need a diaper pail...now. I dunno why I thought I needed a diaper pail, we were going to use disposable diapers. Regardless, I needed one. Pushing my cart around Kmart I rest on the handle every six minutes or so. Other customers are giving me funny looks. I decide to buy a garbage can with a hinged lid instead.

Midnight, Feb. 23. Justin and I decide that since my contractions are steady and five minutes apart, we should go to the hospital. I'm hooked to a monitor for a while to determine if it's really labor. The nurse comments on a large jump on the inkline on the monitor tape and I reply that I'd farted. She laughed at me. They decide it's really labor and I think that this is awesome.

1:00 am. My family arrives. My labor coaches include my Mom, my older sister and my little sister. We walk about the hospital with my sisters and husband dancing behind me. They call it a rain dance hoping my water will break. I inform them that I can pee on them if they like.

4:00 am. Still laboring and trying to sleep. I'm still at 5 to 6 centimeters. The rain dance has worn off a couple hours ago. My older sister farts and it's rank. I contemplate kicking her out for that behavior. I know that I'm not in real serious labor yet because I can still contemplate. That fart is caught on videotape.

6:00 am. Labor is finally getting tough. I tell my mom that it hurts. She understands. My labor is getting too intense for Justin withstand in a concious state so he excuses himself. Better that than a passed out husband.

6:45 am. My replacement doc arrives. She'd been up all night delivering babies. Mine will be number five for her. She checks me and I'm at eight centimeters. Progress is slower than she'd like and I'd like so we decide to break my water in a little while. She leaves to take care of paperwork.

7:00 am. Doc comes back to break my water. Even after the last hour of hard labor that is the most painful experience so far. During the procedure I bite my Mom. After breaking my water the doc announces that I'm complete. She takes off to nap while I push. I don't half blame her. If you compared us side by side at that moment she looked twice as tired as I did.

7:30 am. I've been pushing and pushing. My Dad arrives to watch the birth. He'd been nervous about asking if he could watch so my Mom asked for him. Geez, I didn't care who saw. Someone should bring the vegetable tray. My older sister calls her boss from the phone next to my head to excuse herself from work. He can hear my moaning and screeching! Why that was considered funny I don't know. I'm feeling betrayed because my Lamaze class instructor told us that we'd only have to push to a count of 7 and the nurse wants me to push to a count of 10.

The doc comes in to check on my progress. She tells me to give it a good hard push so the baby can move past the cervix. Done and done. She announces my cervix is "gone". I jokingly ask, "What? I lost my cervix?"...The doc looks at me and then realizes it was a joke. I'm half delirious and I'm joking about my cervix...

8:00 am. I'm tired of pushing. I know I'm close but dammit, I'm not going to stretch anymore. I request, rather loudly, that the doc give me an episiotomy and she complies. It instantly relieves the bulk of my pain. On the videotape the doctor's arm blocks the snip and you can hear my gasp of relief. Yup, there is evidence of my crotch on film.

8:10 am. Kaelan Blake is finally born. That moment when the head finally pops through is glorious and relieving! He's squawling and pink and dark headed. Everyone is teary except me. I wanted some breakfast.

After all that labor the kid only weighs 6.12 and is 18 inches long. The ultrasound technician was way off. I can't imagine the stitches I would have gotten if she was spot on. I'm glad we videotaped that delivery...the look on Justin's face when he holds his son for the first time makes me cry every time I watch it.

Kaelan is my active boy. He is always thinking around corners and a mile away from any box. He loves computers and is currently doing a lot of chores to earn money for his own. I'm noticing girls already appreciating his dark good looks...he's black haired and olive skinned. He's concerned with justice and the happenings in the world. He dislikes Bush, lol.

Happy Birthday Kaelan. It's an understatement to say that we know you will make a great mark on the world with your creative, technical thinking. And yes, you can have Burger King for your birthday dinner.

8 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday Kaelan!!! We will see you on Sunday!

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  2. BLAH.

    I did fine til the last two paragraphs; now I'm weepy.

    You're a fortunate family~both children AND parents.

    Happy Birthday, Becky, Justin, and Kaelan.

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  3. Ah, BK...the lucky kid. Funny story Becky.

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  4. Congratulations on your 12th, Kaelan! My brother's 60th is tomorrow.

    Becky, Thank you for your visits to my blog. I don't know if the system sees your Internet connection as being in LA or San Francisco. Wouldn't SF be physically closer? I will gladly leave the process of giving birth to the females in the mammal world!

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  5. we had two...the best days of my life were...seeing them be born.

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  6. Ouch...don't have any kids, don't know when I will, but the thought of that process happening to anybody...*shudder* I've always said women were stronger than men to be able to do that...

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  7. I am an ultrasound tech and for her to be that off, she needs to find another job, Geesh!

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