Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A little dab'll do ya.

I see myself as a thrifty individual. When you pair up this quality with creativity often the results far outweigh the effort.

Often, but not always.

I came across a recipe for sugaring. You've seen the stuff on TV. It's that green goo that an Australian housewife invented so she could rip all her daughter's body hair off. She's every housewife's hero.

Sometimes I'm interested in removing my body hair but my frugal little brain will not let me pay thirty bucks for a little tub of green sugar, lemon juice and honey. Finding a recipe online is a delightful experience and I can make it any color I desire!

My first mistake is attempting hair removal at one in the morning. Insomnia isn't just a hobby, it's a lifestyle. While my family sleeps I play Betty Crocker, stirring together sugar, lemon juice, honey and a little high alcohol content vanilla for flavor. The directions tell me to put this concoction in the microwave for two to three minutes. I push the 2 and wait.

Mistake number two. Nowhere on the recipe did it say to use a bowl with really high sides. I have grainy melted sugar all over my microwave. The microwave tray is removed, I spoon what's left in the bowl into a bigger bowl, and zap it for another minute since it's still quite grainy.

Yup, the extra minute was mistake number three. It's not grainy anymore but it remains the temperature of lava for the next hour. I have two blisters on my fingertips to prove this. By the way, the added vanilla makes putting your blistering fingers in your mouth very tasty. "The Girl Next Door" is on HBO...a fine cooling movie.

Movie ends. My homemade goo still insanely hot when I spread the first dollop on my man-beasty shin. If I can't rip offending hairs away I'll vaporize them. You cannot grow hairs if you've burnt off your skin. Bonus!

The rip is an experience I could have done without. You people who get bikini waxes? You are insane. Seeing my hair on the strip relieves the sting somewhat.

The rip also leaves random stray hairs. I remain man-beasty but only to a lesser degree. By 3:30 AM I'm only half done. Screw it...I'm going to bed.

Mistake four. I left my little spatula in my sugaring overnight. It's stuck. I can't get my spatula out of the sugaring yet I have a leg-full of slippery random stray hairs. Murphy...your laws...damn you.

Why can't I just be hairy like God intended? I am woman, hear me roar...literally.

8 comments:

  1. Okay that nearly made me choke on my coffee. Thanks for the hilarity so early in the day!

    I sure hope those burns heal soon. You should be enjoying the partially man-beasty smoothness without pain. :)

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  2. dang....you had me wincin' throughtout the whole read almost Becky.

    "By 3:30 AM I'm only half done. Screw it...I'm going to bed."....hilarious.

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  3. Reminds me of a waxing story told to me by a friend. The moral to her story - if a klutz, don't try a bikini wax by yourself. She had wax everywhere and had to be rescued by her husband (near helpless with laugher). And she never did manage to remove any hair.

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  4. Here you are trying to remove hair while I have the opposite problem. Mine keeps going away on it's own. It really isn't fair, is it?

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  5. OWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

    I hurt for you.
    But I applaud your sense of adventure, creativity and frugality.

    Now, grab hubby's razor and get rid of the offending stray hairs; as God intended us to do! ;)

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  6. I will confess I've used the Nads before. I consider myself a tough guy, but I just prayed it would end. Holy lord the pain.

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  7. I've used that stuff that melts the hairs away. One side effect is that it's a great exfoliator. Another side effect is that sometimes it removes perfectly good skin, too. I just thank the gods that, because I'm Asian, I don't have a lot of body hair to remove.

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  8. That's one of the funniest dang stories I've read in a while! Hooo boy, I'm not gonna be doing anything but shaving this summer. Any toying with the idea of waxing or sugaring is LONG gone!

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