Saturday, April 22, 2006

Thou shalt not use terrycloth in vain.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of anwering my door in my bright yellow terrycloth bathrobe to some Jehovah's Witnesses.

I like missionaries. I think doing that kind of work be blunt...gonads. If it's cold I offer them hot chocolate. If it's hot I offer them ice water. I'm not interested in listening to the lesson but I enjoy being friendly. Most missionaries, if they aren't crazily zealous, are happy to have a little fellowship if that's the only thing I'm open to.

The knockers at my door are a husband and wife team in their late 60's. This earns extra points from me. If I were in my late 60's I know I definitely wouldn't want to be proselytizing in the middle of nowhere Nevada. Then again, where do you find salt of the earth folk? On the salt flats, duh!

The JW's didn't stay more than four minutes because my yellow bathrobe is hideous. I now have four Watchtowers waiting to be read. Watchtowers are fascinating! The whys and hows of what people believe is so interesting to me. Plus, they have pretty pictures. Too bad they don't come with sticks of gum.

This isn't the first time I've greeted Jehovah's Witnesses in a state of undress. When my oldest was four or five he opened the door to a JW while I was stepping out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. My son had been told (read "screeched at") to wait to open the door but his abilities aren't such that he can heed a suggestion like that until after processing it for five minutes. He throws the door open which reveals a direct view of the hallway to my bathroom.

Seeing my half nekkid and shower wet state, this JW blushed, stammered and ran away. I'm unsure of what exactly scared him off. I know it wasn't my smell. The towel was white, not hideous yellow. I didn't even get a Watchtower.

I wonder if my retired JW's will be back. I hate possibly breaking their hearts. I simply can't become a JW. Halloween fills my soul all year round! A life without Halloween, for me, is like a life without ever having an orgasm. You can live a swell life without having orgasms but living is so much nicer with them!

JW's are allowed to have orgasms right?

Sheesh, I'm kidding!

I don't think I'll use the orgasm analogy if they do come back. I'll offer them some Koolaid though.


  1. You are too funny....

    Koolaid sounds safe!

  2. I live in a senior mobile park with a gate & signs that prohibit solicitating. That seems to keep all those folks from coming here.

    We have some friends our age, who have ended up as "parents" for their 4 grandkids aged 5 to 12, including one who has Down's Syndrome. The father is JW and, until the kids were left with our friends, they didn't get to enjoy holidays, birthdays, or much of anything. I wouldn't want to live like that, nor do I think kids should have to.

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  4. BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

    You are too funny....

    Koolaid sounds safe!

    Unless you're in Jonestown!


  5. Danny Haszard,

    Freedom of Speech is only guaranteed in the public domain. This is MY blog. Your freedom of speech means squat in the private sector no matter what it is you have to say. The spam is NOT appreciated.

    Did I not say I wasn't interested in ever becoming a JW or did we skip over that part?

    (Danny Haszard left a long diatribe over why JW's are a cult. He is a former JW.)

  6. Hah! My killer dog usually keeps the JW's and other salespeople away, that and I live in an orchard in the middle of nowhere...but this one time....these three JW's were approaching my house, my dog, threatening to snap her unbreakable safety doggy cable...they kept coming anyway...
    So, I had to run out there, and lol, I just have to laugh at myself everytime I think of this... I said, or rather yelled over the dogs attack barks to them, "jesus isnt gonna save you from my dog!"

    They still didnt leave, and I got some Watchtowers to put under my paint projects!

    Love your writing style its hilarious!

  7. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I am a costume maker too! You can see some of my stuff at

    Then go to the gallery page and see some of my wacky stuff.....right now I'm making a Woodstock costume..(the bird), would love to chat with you about some ideas or whatever..the trick is, how to get this 10 year old boy into a woodstock head made from paper mache and wire, and keep him from passing out from heat any ideas?

  8.'d hear from it or not...JW's, aren't they fun?...I got Converted Mormon in my family....hahaha what Family FUN!

    The federal Gov't and the organized religions AND the cult like ones who pretend to be long standing (cuz that gives them credence) are working from the same page...send out the young and gullible to do our bidding...either kill the non-american or bring his pagan soul to the jesus lord.

    funny huh?

  9. You keep this kind of friendly nonsense up and your blogging fans will show up under the guise of JW's. What will the dead give-away be? Maybe the guy who shows up in HIS yellow robe.

  10. i'm with you. without halloween and christmas parties, i might just die.

  11. Bonus points for the use of "proselytizing" in a blog on a Monday morning!

    Too cool.

    My friend Peter used to invite them in and then quiz them on their faith, specificially the quotes they were using on HIM; sadly, they rarely won, and typically left in a hurry. Poor JWs. They never knew what hit 'em.


  12. pmsl with the comparison of Halloween to orgasms... makes for a strange picture in my noggin!

    I must admit, I've delibrately answered the door a couple of times to JW and Mormons in a way designed to scare them off.

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