Sunday, May 14, 2006

Maternity Rants

If there was ever a finer day to celebrate those that stretch out their uterusses (uteri?) and other bits, it's today. God it's gorgeous outside! Mother's Day in spring makes me want to belt out in song.

The circccclllleeee offf lifffeeee!!!

I belieevvveee the chillldrrruuuuuunnnn are our futurrrreee!!!

My better half is bustling about procurring everything he needs to stuff and braise a roast beef for dinner. Yesterday he gave me a card and some chocolate covered macadamia nuts. The card had some sentiment about thanking me but not being grateful enough to kiss my feet. I think the chocolates say different. They were divine.

What's nice about Mother's Day is that it's a yearly reminder that your sagging boobs, stretch marks, stained carpeting and fingerprinted windows should never be seen in a negative light. You are MOTHER and should be reverred above all other humans on the planet.

I want (if not the first, but maybe the twelve millionth) to wish Angelina Jolie a sagging breasted, stretch marky Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day Angie!

Motherhood has only increased your strange, very strange, sensuality. Not only are you the most attractive person alive but you are, by default, the milfiest MILF out there!

Angie, if you make stretch marks the new benchmark of sexy, I will personally braise you a roast and kiss your feet.

Oh Angelina Jolie, you tattoo touting Brad mounting tart! Why do you attract my husband so? Sorry, dumb question, it's the June Cleaver in her.

I wonder if her belly button has turned inside out?


  1. Oh, Becky, you naive thing! Angelina Jolie won't GET stretch marks, don't you see? Even if she does, she'll have them lasered off and tummy tucked away before her epiosiotomy heals! Damn bazillionaires. Money does buy happiness, oh yes, yes it does. Happiness in the form of shirking the burdens of motherhood. I hate her with a fiery passion, and probably wouldn't even make out with her because she turns my stomach so.


    So, Happy Mother's Day TO YOU, though!! The roast is making my mouth water, and spring is making my pants anty.

  2. Oh how FUNNY! She does the same thing to my husband, lol!

    Happy Mother's Day!

  3. Finally those big boobs of hers are going to get some practical use. I wonder if they'll become even more ginormous than they already are?

  4. Hey, hey, hey...let's not be so hard on her. Angelina I mean.

    "Brad mounting"? Awww, that lucky S.O.B.

    Here's hoping your Mother's Day was grand! :)

  5. I think Lisa is right - she won't ever show any after effects of pregnancy. She is okay eye candy but there are others that I, being older, am a lot more interested in, like Goldie Hahn, for example.


Absent Minded Archives