Saturday, June 03, 2006

Warning: This post contains adult language.

I've got steer poop under my fingernails. Snifffffff....

Yes, I've been gardening all day long! We took out a largish patch of grass this morning. That patch has never grown well. The grass that does manage to grow only does so in snaggly bunches, much like a teenaged boy's whiskers. We lovingly fertilized it. We religiously watered it. We read it bedtime stories. It was bad bad bad grass and we grounded it.

We removed the sod and shook the dirt from it's roots. There was a gardening bonus as we cracked one of our sprinkler pipes with a shovel. Not a bad repair but it meant that not only did the steer manure I'd used to sweeten the soil get under our fingernails, but all over the backs of our pants while fixing the pipes.

Meh, shit happens.

I spent the dusk hours putting in bedding plants and listening to my neighbors down the block snap at each other about anything and everything. She'd boss him on how to do menial tasks and he'd snap back justifications.

"Kurt, go park the car!"
"But I'm not done vacuuming the trunk!"
"Move it! Good Hell!"
The car engine starts and he proceeds to park the car six feet away from where it was parked previously.
"Kurt, you can't park in front of the fire hydrant!"
"The cops don't care!"
"Move the car goddammit!'
Engine starts again....

I had a difficult time not pointing and laughing at them.

Those aren't the noisiest neighbors I've ever had. By far the noisiest were a newly married pair I lived above in Utah County.

Both were still teenagers. They learned how to be adults from highly illegal in Utah porno movies.

Our apartments shared a dryer vent. It was through the vent that I could easily hear their everyday conversations. I'm not one that will drop the F bomb unless I do it for the most impact. Not that I object to it...It's just not my style. These two used it in mundane conversation so liberally that you'd think the dictionary only had one entry.

"Did you fuckin' pay the fuckin' phone bill honey?"
"Yeah, I wrote a fuckin' check...and you know what the fuck else? Meat at the store was fuckin' 4.99 a fuckin' pound! Holy fuck!"
"Fuck! Did you get any fuckin' steak anyway?"
"Fuck no, I bought chicken."

I had to constantly cover my children's ears. That wasn't the only reason. Besides learning to speak like a porno, they made other porno sound effects.

Five to six times a week....for hours... I swear to God.

You've never heard such screaming. If I didn't know any better I would have called the cops because somebody had to be getting slowly murdered downstairs! Hadn't they learned the art of completely silent sex yet? had no kids. Hell, they still WERE kids.

Finally that pair moved out. They'd lived way beyond their means and it seems that rent wasn't on the priorities of things to do with their income. Things were very peaceful after that. Fuckin' A.


  1. You make me laugh; I love this about you.

    "Meh, shit happens."

  2. if that's what you call adult language, we're going to have to have a workshop. you're too naive

  3. Another fun read! I've had neighbors in apartments who made too much noise moving around but never a language problem. I guess there isn't much you can do about that as it is pretty much a personal thing & to them it probably wasn't offensive.

    You had said your yard didn't get it's usual care last summer so I guess a bit of extra care is needed now. It will be nice to have it done.


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