Friday, June 23, 2006

Why I'm such a good wife to my husband on Father's Day

So, I got home and stuff. Did you think I'd stay away forever?

Crap. Wait five more minutes. I need coffee badly. I'm really sorry.

Anywho...what we all missed while I was away was my third child's first birthday! He was born June 19th, 2005...Father's Day. What an excellent day to be born.

Warning! This post contains descriptive elements of pooping out a baby. If you don't want to read about the juicier bits of childbirth (Which isn't as juicy as the birth story I posted on February 23rd and is definitely much drier than the one I posted on February 5th) then stop HERE. I done warned you again!

June 18th, 2005. I'm a day overdue. Before pregnancy I weighed 125. At the end I weigh 205-210, depending on the bloat. Except for gaining gargantuan amounts of weight I've had a completely normal pregnancy. That day I feel weird...edgy...brainless...and kinda loose down in my hoo-hoo. I've been dilated to four centimeters for two weeks. The elastic in my extra large maternity pants has begun to snap and unravel. My breasts have reached gargantuan proportions considering that I'm usually a flatty flatty two by four. My bras are tight.

We're staying at my parent's home in Utah County because it's only forty miles from the hospital I plan to deliver at instead of staying home and being 120 miles from the hospital I plan to deliver at. Ahhh rural life.

By dinnertime I'd been having random patterns of contractions that stop as soon as I start timing them in earnest. How rude! I invite labor pain over for a party and they leave as soon as they see the accommodations. My Dad keeps looking at me with his eyebrow raised.

Justin wants to go on a drive. I have to pee first. Because I'm an oozy mess it takes me extra time to perform the rituals of potty hygiene. I take this as a good sign. Justin takes this as a reason to knock on the door and ask me what's keeping me. I felt like putting a panty liner across my forehead to keep in my oozing brain. I have a rather large single contraction in the car.

10:00 pm. Bedtime! I'm pooped. Not a single sign of a contraction since the one I had in the car earlier. Bastards.

Poor Justin. Because my body takes up the whole of my parent's guest bed he's been ever so chivalrous to sleep on the floor.

Father's Day, June 19th, 1:00 AM. I wake up with a pounding headache. It's not caused by high blood pressure. Pregnancy has messed up my chemical makeup and I'm experiencing hay fever in the form of headaches. I never get hay fever normally. I go to the kitchen, drink a big glass of water and swallow back a couple of Tylenol. In my previous pregnancies I didn't feign to swallow any sort of medication. This time around I fully enjoy the benefits of Tylenol. The headache quickly abates and I manage to fall back asleep.

3:30 AM. Contractions wake me. I get out my cell phone and use it to time my contractions. Five minutes apart! I time for a half hour before I decide that this is it and we're going to the hospital. I rouse Justin. He wakes my parents. I run a brush through my hair and put on some clothes. This pregnancy, sleeping naked is a matter of survival.

4:00 AM. We're off. The drive north to our hospital takes around 25 minutes. That's five whole contractions. The drive is so short because there is no traffic! Had I had to go at five in the evening I would have been stuck on I-15 for a good hour.

We check into the hospital. I have to pee...oh god do I have to pee. When I'm done they have my gown ready and all the nifty belting used to hook up the monitors. My little sister arrives and then my parents arrive with my sons. I'm monitored for a while so they can verify whatever they need to verify. I'm admitted. The TV in my room gets turned on to the old Double Dare gameshow. Awesome. I'm only measuring five centimeters.

I spend the next hour filling out forms. Justin would have done it but his handwriting is really awful. I'm able to fill out the huge stack of forms until I get to the last one. I'm finding that I have to breathe through contractions more and more. Justin fills out the last form, the birth certificate form, and decides then and there that we are changing the baby's middle name from Wayne to Harrington. I doesn't matter one way or the other to me. Both names are after Justin's grandpa who passed away a month before. The baby was one contraction away from being a Wayne.

6:00 AM. Labor is still proceeding normally. I'm measuring 6 centimeters. My family and I are joking about farts and sex between contractions. I get up to pee about every half hour. Peeing relieves some of the pain. My Mom and Dad decide they are hungry and they take my sister and my sons to the IHOP just up the street. They don't bring me back any.

Justin and I spend that time walking around the hallways. We interrupt the admitting nurse while she eats her cheerios out of a styrofoam cup. She doesn't offer me any either. Every so often I lean on the rails in the hallway and kind of squat. I'm so demure.

8:00 AM. Labor is finally getting a little more tough. I can actually feel my cervix peeling back much like a banana. My family and I are still joking about farts and sex between contractions. I labor in a lovely waterproof easy chair. During pains I make long soft sighing moans...moans that might have made any normal person feel all sexy-like if they weren't coming from a 210 pound laboring woman in a faded gown. I have to pee....again. I sit on the toilet and realize that what I'm feeling isn't bladder pressure so I return to my waterproof easy chair to moan some more.

8:25 AM. I feel the urge to push. I'm happy about this because I haven't hit transition labor. I'm still able to joke about farts and sex. I tell Justin to go find my labor nurse.

She comes in and hooks me up to the monitor. She checks me and is surprised to find me complete and not screaming in pain. I wonder how I'll joke about farts and sex while I push. Justin takes the boys to the waiting area. It's a swell waiting area with a TV and pregnancy magazines and a big fish tank. My nurse calls the on call doctor. It seems that my male OB/GYN decided to take Father's Day off. That stinker! How dare a man with five kids of his own take Father's Day off! Oh well, he's forgiven I guess.

The on call doc arrives. It only takes her a few minutes because the hospital's obstetrics offices are located right in the same building. This woman is awesome. She positions herself while I hand my sister my camera.

I start pushing like a freight train. No need to count to ten. I've never been more aware of how effective my pushing is. After ten minutes and three contractions I command my sister to hold one of my legs. She has no choice in the mom had the other. My dad was watching from his seat on the delivery room fifty yard line, right up front. The only way he'd get a better view was if he delivered the baby himself.

8:47 AM. I'm surprised when the head pops through. I didn't think I was quite there yet! Turns out that I tore but that's OK. He's born! He's gooey and pink and mostly hairless. They toss the poor kid on my tummy and I don't quite know what to do with him. The on call doc asks if anyone wants to cut the cord. Um ewww. The doc cuts it.

9:00 AM. Everything is cleaned and I'm stitched. They work so fast! Justin and the boys come back in the room to be introduced. Ryan Harrington weighs in as my largest baby at 7 lbs 4 oz and 20 inches long. I give Justin his newborn son and wish him a happy Father's Day.

Ryan is a funny baby. He is a constant smile. At the moment he's just getting the hang of walking. He says "No no" and "Bye bye" and "Ca Ca" and "Cracker". He has a poopy diaper at nearly the same time every day.

Happy First Birthday Ryan. Something tells me that raising you is going to be a real hoot.


  1. Oh I remember that day. It is always fun to go out crying to tell your hubby his kid is here. He wasn't nearly as ghost white as when I told him Kaelan was here. I thought for sure he was gonna barf on my shoe!

  2. Aren't you glad that you are not doing that again this year? You may want to edit this line "June 18th, 2006. I'm a day overdue. Before pregnancy" as you appear to be wanting to be doing it again this year.

    You had a pretty quick delivery. Our second one wanted to come in the middle of the night. We lived on an island with access only by ferry boat. They don't run in the middle of the night. They made a special run for us but the baby still arrived only about 35 min after our arrival at the hospital. That was a good time in our lives but it is something for young people to do, not grand parent aged people like me now!

    Good to have you back.

  3. Edited...No, I didn't want a repeat performance. That's why I got fixed!

  4. I absolutely love these birth day dedication posts. Though I was not there, this seemed like an easy delivery (Is there such a thing?) I am wimpy enough to admit that I had an epidural upon admittance. I don't regret that decision one bit. Contractions hurt like hell.

  5. Oddly enough, one of my sons had a good friend named Wayne Harrington when he was growing up.

    What does Ca Ca mean?

    It's good to have you back, by the way.

    Happy Birthday, Justin and Becky, and Happy Father's Day, too!

    I can't wait to meet Ryan in person.


  6. Congrats on all counts - now get out of Utah county while you still can!!

    I keed, I keed.

  7. YOU are a hoot, so it follows that the kiddos would be pretty danged funny too. Good job AMH... and happy Birthday to the boy!


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