Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Pubes Deux

In my last post I asked about a mother's role in discussing puberty and sexuality with their sons. I got the overall idea that this was dependent on the dynamic between mother and son. I fully agree. Here is my dynamic... I'm a mom who is more comfortable than I really should be on the topic of sexuality and since my sons have me as a mother they get to hear me yak about it nonstop whether they get all blushy or not. Works for me!

When discussing sexuality with your children it pays to be factual and compassionate. Therefore you shouldn't spout off this kind of stuff:

1. You must make sure a colored condom matches your socks and underwear or it's less effective.

2. It will fall off if you don't wash it with antibacterial soap. With a washcloth. Keep your hands off it.

3. If you don't name it you aren't a man. If you give it a wussy name you still aren't a man.

4. The bigger the boobs, the more your jaw should drop. Drooling is optional.

5. Warts are nature's way of saying "It's ribbed for her pleasure."

6. She won't get knocked up if you both pray really really hard before the deed. Better keep her shirt on too.

7. Beer is an aphrodisiac.

8. If your bed squeaks the hand lotion you keep on your nightstand will ease the telling noises nicely.


Instead of saying any of those things, draw a 6 foot tall anatomically correct diagram, grab a pointer and lecture sternly, "Don't let anyone touch this, and this, and this, and this and especially this....or I will kill you."



Edited:
My dumb gay cat has made his first appearance on Stuff On My Cat today. Yay!

7 comments:

  1. I have to go back and COMPLETELY re-educate my children. Man, I screwed it up completely.

    I had no idea you had to wash the condom in antibacterial soap before you used it, and I had no idea you had to give it a name!

    I can't get that stupid "stuff on my cat" do to anything but show the name". Dumb page.

    Bo

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  2. "It" refers to a PEE PEE...

    Uh...whisper...PENIS.

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  3. Your list of things to not say is pretty much like what they will hear from their friends & associates. Your sex ed classes must have been very interesting (see the Laugh In connection there?)

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  4. Hey there Absentminded...love Blind Melon. I like your approach to the body...very traditional and mature...hehehehe...sexuality should not be enjoyed in any sense...where're your mormon priciples, for the love of God. Or whomever Mormons say that about.

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  5. Oh, so much to say!!! Where to start?

    why, the end, of course...

    1. The costume currently under construction...I feel faint! Will it be for rental or sale? How much? And yes, yes, I'm serious. and in serious physical pain over my desire for such a thing...

    2. boys + puberty = the reason I'm going to send mine to boarding school on Mars when they turn 11. EEEEEK!!!!!

    3. boys & puberty: There is a show on Showtime (that felt more redundant than it was) called, "Weeds". It is about a suburban widow who turns to dealing drugs to save herself from..uh...poverty? I don't remember. The point is, while she is off doing questionable things, her brother teaches her son how to masturbate. Well, gives him a very colorful lecture, that is. I believe he uses every euphemism for the 'm' word known to man. It's kind of funny, but also kind of creepy.

    3. there was more. But I've forgotten. :)

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  6. Eeep! I have only girls so there is NO doubt who gets to be the one having the CHAT with them. I'm thinking I'll have a year or two to come up with a few good one of my own.

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  7. I remember my oldest son walking up to me, age ten, and saying, "mom, what's masturbation? I heard them talking about it on Saturday Night Live."
    Ahhh, memories...
    Funny post! Enjoyed it.

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