Monday, October 16, 2006

Air Biscuits

Two of my Gert Jonnys died overnight. RIP Gert Jonnys one and two. May you shoop shoop in fishy heaven. You will be missed by Gert Jonnys three and four, up until feeding time.


It's that time of the month again...

No, It's not tampon time. It's Bestest Housewifely Doodad time!

When a person thinks of housewifery, it's not uncommon that they imagine the perpetually pleasant face of Betty Crocker. Betty whips up delicious semi-home cooked meals in under thirty minutes without ruining her manicure. Betty never has menstrual cramps.

Betty bakes Bisquick biscuits. Betty uses October's Bestest Housewifely Doodad.

The Pastry Mixer!

I made the mistake of searching for an image of this item under the name "biscuit cutter". Apparently this is not a biscuit cutter because biscuit cutters look like cookie cutters and are used to actually cut out the biscuits from the rolled dough. Fine. When I make biscuits I cut them out with a wide glass. I don't need one of them newfangled biscuit cutters!

The Pastry Mixer is a handy little tool for all of us Betty Crocker crampless wannabes. Using it makes mixing any cold dough an easy chore. I use it to mix not just biscuits, but pie dough, cookie dough, meatloaf ooze, chicken salad, tuna salad, egg salad....

I hear you say, "but I do all of that in my food processor!" That's fine and dandy...but whatever will you do when your power goes out, huh huh? Not to mention that the pastry cutter takes less room in the dishwasher when your power comes back on.

A Pastry Mixer costs three or four dollars. You should be able to find them at Wallyworld but you never know.

Don't use Bisquick to make biscuits though...bleh...or pancakes either. (Don't you even dare mention biscuits in a can...blasphemer!) Bisquick could be proven to relieve menstrual cramps and I'd still use this biscuit recipe:

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

Sift together in mixing bowl:

3 and 1/2 cups of flour
1 tsp salt
4 tsps baking powder
2 Tbs sugar
1 tsp baking soda

Cut in until crumbly:
10 Tbs of margarine or butter. (Stick margarine is much better than tub)

Cut in until just moist:
1 and 1/2 cups of buttermilk.

This dough should be handled lightly. Turn onto floured board. Knead gently until dough holds it's shape. Roll to a 1/2 inch thickness and then cut the rounds. Bake 10 to 12 minutes on lightly greased cookie sheet.

This recipe truly only takes minutes to put together. My husband is so happy on biscuit night that he considers going to the store to buy my tampons. He's never actually made it to the store but he's considered it.

In conclusion: Betty Crocker a robot. Pastry Mixer is not a biscuit cutter. Bisquick is evil.

Thank you Pastry Mixer, I like you, I really like you.


  1. (whispers very very quietly) ... I like Bisquick biscuits and those out of a can. I'M SORRY!


  2. the 1986 Betty looks like she is secretly willing to kill you, on the other hand the 1955 Betty is the only one smiling...who knew it would be her recipies that would the clog the hearts and arteries of several generations

    who knows how many have died from her culinary work.

    Still there isn't a better recipe for chicken fried steak from a circa 1950 to 1965 Betty Crocker Cook Book.

    we all have to go some time....coulda pass the biscuits please.

  3. Jill the fav sis10/16/2006 1:18 PM

    I never ever have menstrual cramps, so can I be Betty Crocker next?

  4. Jerry, 1972 Betty looks constipated.

    Jill, you suck. You can be Betty Crocker.

  5. yeah i'd say 1972 is in a world of hurt...clogged up there Betty?

  6. A new book can be called, A PROFILE IN BETTY!!

  7. HA! You got me on that one... using it for chicken and egg salad. I am gonna be thinking of you next time I mix me up some and use my pastry cutter!

  8. I loooooooove pastry blenders!!!

    And I just made from-scratch biscuits on Saturday night!!


  9. There is nothing that brings me more bubbly gushing joy than to peel that lovely wrapper off of that beautiful hard can then to press my large spoon ever so gently into the side of the can until I hear the magical pop! At that point I know that I am within 17 minutes of biting into a piping hot buttery bisquit! Once I finish my orgasmic feast of canned biscuits, all I need to wash are the pan and the spoon! Housewifery be damned! Just kidding......

  10. I love that magical pop too! But only from the cans of cinnamon rolls or the ever so yummy orange ones.

    I've used the pastry mixer to make mashed potatoes until I bought a potato masher (I don't know if that's the correct name for it). My mashed potatoes come out better when I do it manually rather than with the electric mixer.


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