Thursday, November 30, 2006

No soup for you!

Welcome to the new evening editions of AMHW. Here, have a smiley face sticker.

My toddler has strictly forbidden me from posting in the morning anymore. He seems to think that I should be watching Blues Clues with him while I drink my coffee instead of merrily implementing any brain cells I have left by writing witty posts for you.

He has also strictly forbidden me from anything else I used to do during the day that would set me apart as an adult.

like being in the bathroom long enough to shave off the forest on my legs...
like throwing piles and piles of dirty housewife underwear in the washer...
like calling my bookie and placing my bet on the next Pillsbury Bakeoff...
like practicing taxidermy in front of a webcam for fun and profit...

Posting in the evening is better for my readers and other hangers on anyway because my brain is somewhat sharper after the kids been shoved in their rooms with the strong suggestion that they should sleep.

At this moment I'm watching "On the Road with 16 Children" on Discovery Health. Discovery is fond of featuring the Duggar Family and their efforts in multiplying and replenishing the Earth. Every single one of their children is well mannered. None of them scream bloody murder when you don't fill their sippy cups with Koolaid within a three second time limit.

Mom and Dad Duggar say they are ordinary people. I say that their brains are made up of mostly of the bits that compel a person to be patient....and libidinous.

I wonder what Mom Duggar's legs look like.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Down to Business

I hereby open this posting of AMHW. All who are reading this blog without any pants on say "aye"....

First on the agenda: Catherine Bell.

I think it's absurd that lately I've received a great many hits to my blog because I posted a photo of Catherine Bell in my third post, over 252 posts and a year and a half ago. Catherine Bell was my first Celebrity Tart (Check list in the sidebar.) and due to popularity I'm posting her photo again. Get a good gawk why don't ya.

Catherine Bell, you number #1 celebrity tart, why do you thrill the internets so? Oh, that's right, it's because I haven't posted any of my own bikini photos on the internet.

Don't hold your breath.


Second on the Agenda: Meme

I've been tagged by Domestic Goddess...She who liveth in the same Happy Valley that I moved away from so I could live in Nevada. Nevada doesn't require my fabulous mini van to have emissions testing.

Six Oddities About Myself that I'm Willing to Share with the World.

1. I fantasize about art cars.
You've seen them on TV, those cars with all kinds of crap glued all over them. I want to buy a Ford Pinto station wagon and glue sparkly stuff to it. I want to cover the seats with neon shag fur.

2. Pretzel.
I can put both my ankles behind my neck at the same time. It's a trick that I'm able to do, not because I'm limber, but because my legs are really long. This position doesn't make me look the least bit demure and shouldn't be attempted in public without pants on.

3. Procrastination or is it laziness?
I haven't had a haircut in over two years. Before I became pregnant with the 17 month old rug-ape sitting on my lap right now, I cut over sixteen inches off my mane and donated it to Locks of Love. I haven't had a trim since. My hair is very long and it needs a little maintenance.

4. I don't know what my kids look like.
I don't carry any photos of my children in my purse or wallet. There isn't any real reason for this. No one has ever asked to see photos of my children so I guess I'm off the hook. Nowadays people show you their photos of their children on their cell phones. My cell phone doesn't take photos. Hell, it's barely used to make calls.

5. Don't look at my history.
I've been known to surf the internets looking at photos of naked ladies to use as sketching and sculpting references. There are a LOT of naked ladies out there. Naked men too. Just a lot of nakedness all over. Nekkid nekkid nekkid.

6. What is that smell?
It's guaranteed that if I eat frozen burritoes with sour cream my digestive organs will throw a tantrum and you will not be able to be in the same room with me. I can eat these things separately and be fine, but put them together and the aftereffects will kill cockroaches.

It's moved that I tag George W. Bush for this meme.


Third on the agenda: Clingy Toddlers.

I've spent two hours writing this post because my 17 month old rug-ape is at a really clingy stage in his short life. I am a human jungle gym. In a half hour I will toss him into his crib for a nap...and I will shower and pee blissfully alone.

It is moved that I take up writing posts in the late evening instead of the morning...seconded...passed.


This posting is now adjourned.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Turkin' Cookey

We're back from another Thanksgiving jaunt into Utah County. While we were gone our house didn't burn down, our fish didn't die and the pile of laundry I left didn't fold itself.

Wednesday night traffic on the freeway was so stop and go, at the last fifteen miles, that two of my three children became carsick and were hurling into Walmart bags. Those must have been the only Walmart bags in existence that didn't come with a hole in them. Thank you Sam Walton. Why is it that these two children can manage to aim when hurling into a bag but cannot aim when tinkling into the toilet? It's a mystery! On the upside, my fabulous mini van does not smell like vomit...or urine.

I lost ten dollars at poker after Thanksgiving dinner. I felt better after a slice of blueberry pie. I felt estatic about it when I chased blueberry pie with a slice of pecan.

While shopping on Saturday, Justin and I ventured into a small toy store in a mall. It was oh so cute and oh so overpriced. Off to the side the toy mongers set up an area where kids could play. There, a couple of children were chasing each other with cars, a boy and a girl, non related, both around age four. It's a given that little girls do not know how to play cars properly, as demonstrated by the little boy getting upset at the little girl's method of play. He was so frustrated with her that he burst forth with a far reaching cry of "YOU'RE A HOMO!". This set the whole store laughing.

Now I'm home, where my dumb gay cat greeted us at the door with much ankle rubbing and a pile of cat barf.

So, homos, how were your Thanksgivings? (You Canadian folks can click HERE...)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Gobble Gobble

Here's to having a thankful Thanksgiving!

When you have your hand up a turkey's bum, think of me.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Metamucil for the blogger's soul.

I'm late in posting today. There is only so much writing you can get done when you are actively procrastinating.

I started a post on O.J. Simpson. I trashed it. I'm not adding anything new about his now cancelled book being a waste of good trees. O.J. needs a cranial enema whether he did it or not.

I started a post on how Thanksgiving and Christmas have been mushed into a month long holiday. Anyone reading this, regular or not, could basically just fill in the blank on that topic.

I started a post on obnoxious toys and obnoxious toy marketing around the mushed up Thanksmas season. (I've been in wonderment over the new generation of Barbie Dolls. They've misnamed all of them. More fitting...Hoochie Mama Barbie, Street Walker Barbie, Pole Dancer Barbie. Does anyone remember when Barbie wanted to be an astronaut? What happened to Barbie's tasteful sense of fashion? God I'm glad I've got sons. So far they aren't putting Star Wars action figures in hot pants.) ....And that's where my toy thoughts end.

Insert blog tantrum here.

What I want is to put out something new...readable...fresh and fruity! What ensues is trying too gosh darn hard and it's not flowing naturally. I don't want to add any more saccharine to your blog reading diets.

Natural flow is recommended over artificial flow by 4 out of 5 dentists.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Soft and chewy Funk and Wagnall's

Isn't it fascinating watching the learning process in toddlers...especially when you are watching my toddler who is the most impressive toddler on the planet? Yes, my DNA is just that spectacular.

My seventeen month old son has just recently realized that the words he does say convey meaning. "Cookie" no longer is a noun, it's a verb when it's used in the proper desperate tone..."I need a cookie (No! Several cookies!) or else I will die the most horrible screaming death on the planet, right here on the floor in front of Blue's Clues, leaving a large wet stain on the carpet!'

He's also learned to place a hierarchy on words. "Candy" is said in awe whereas "Cereal" is said with utter disgust when candy has been refused for breakfast. This floor monkey has no idea how much sugar I put in my morning coffee. I am a hypocrit.

I'm not sure if I should be upset that most of my son's vocabulary consists of food and toy words and that he hasn't shown any interest in saying "Mama". I can concede the fact that I'm not as intriguing as a vanilla wafer, but really, don't I get points for giving him cookies in the first place? He wouldn't know the wonderment of the cookie if it weren't for me forcing them down his tiny gullet. I tell ya, I get no respect.

It's been fun comparing my toddler's current learning curve to my almost 13 year old son's current learning curve. They are more similar than I had anticipated.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Sour Apples

I've spent all morning working on this post for you readers and other hangers on. Appreciate it!

I cannot believe I've neglected possibly the most versatile, useful and common candidate in my many months of selecting Bestest Housewifely Doodads. I use this stuff in my home daily! It was right under my nose!

November's Bestest Housewifely Doodad goes to:

Common Apple Cider Vinegar!

"Why not even more common white vinegar" you ask? Because apple cider vinegar smells and tastes better. That's it. If you prefer white vinegar, by all means, buy gallons.

I was reminded last week of why vinegar should be nominated this month. My husband was steaming asparagus with March, 2006's Bestest Housewifely Doodad and didn't quite add enough water to the pot.. This resulted in a mass of burnt on charry asparagus starch on the bottom...a mess that would require the use of elbow grease.

I dislike using elbow grease in vain. I figured if I poured vinegar in the pot and soaked it for an hour, the char would simply wipe away.

I was right! The mess wiped right off. My aluminum stock pot came out ever so shiny!

Vinegar is a fine cleaning agent. Every so often you should run some through your drip style coffee maker and it will clean out water deposits that make coffee taste like crap. You will have a steamy vinegar fume in your house for a while, but that's ok, the fume will deodorize your curtains.

I've also used this stuff to remove warts. Yes, I admit that I had a wart of the non STD variety. I kept a bandaid moistened with apple cider vinegar over my wart for a couple days. By day three the wart turned black and then it fell off. Now I'm wartless and fancy free.

Vinegar is also an excellent rinse aid for laundry. It's wonderful for removing soap residue and odors. If your man's shirts hang onto your man's manly armpit scents, soaking them in water with a good amount of vinegar, before washing, will take care of the stank.

I could regal you with the hundreds of other practical uses for vinegar, but I don't want to create any more sparkling GIFs. If you want more tips go HERE.

Apple Cider Vinegar is cheap and available at any grocery store.

Thank you Apple Cider Vinegar. I like you, I really like you.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Elizabeth Bustier Boobing

Ode to my left boob, which is a full cup size smaller than my right boob, but both boobs are really kinda little.

How do I consider thee?
Let me count the ways.
I consider your meager depth and breadth and height
That my palm reaches, when feeling the slight
Uneven cleavage and less than ideal cup.
I consider thee to the level of everyday's
Most serviceable bra, by band and underwire bite.
I consider thee freely, as you sit perkily unlike the right;
I consider thee purely, as the nipple raises.
I consider thee with a passion put to use
In much lactation, and with a mother's faith.
I consider thee as volume I seemed to lose
With my lost twenties, --- I consider thee with the breasts,
Of Others of all my life! --- and, because God chose,
I shall consider thee better because you are mine.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Friday, November 10, 2006

Buy one, get three free.

I believe I've mentioned before that I spent my high school years and at least one post high school year working as a checker at a grocery store. It was incredibly stimulating work that required the ability to locate a UPC code on every product in the store. Produce throws ya for a loop.

For convenience I'll call the grocery store "Jim Beam's" even though it was located in Utah and there was no likker to be had in the store.

I remember my Jim Beam's years fondly. I dream about them. Jim Beam's Dreams. In my dreams I'm still employed at the store but I never show up to work. I then wonder if they've fired me yet. In other dreams I'm trying to check groceries with the power out and no money in the till. All the while I hear the constant beep of the scanner.




When I go back to my hometown to visit there are two categories I place the locals in. The first is "classmates and their relations" and the second is "people I knew because they shopped at Jim Beam's". I still remember what these people purchased. Yes, that's the man that purchased four enema kits, a large bottle of prune juice and a can of Comet cleanser.

Working grocery affords you exposure to just that kind of fine consumer.

There was also the man that purposely dropped his change just so he could dramatically bend over and show me his plumber's crack. I was just as amazed as he thought I'd be.

There was also the woman who chose to wear a bikini top under a tank that featured a neckline that dipped to near her belly button. She scratched her chestal area and absent mindedly removed one of her bikini cups off of her breast. She hung out like that for a while and no one seemed to notice except me and my bagger. How do you call attention to a customer's nudity without also calling it to the attention of the people standing all about her? Eventually she felt a breeze and covered herself, but not until the sixteen year old bagboy had the best workday of his life.

There was also the man that winked as he handed me a condom with the wad of bills he was using to pay for his beer and doritoes.

There was also the extremely sweaty man that came back into the store to hand me a note written on the back of his parent's electric bill...only to rush out again. The note offered me his phone number and a request for a date. Unfortunately I had to refuse because I was underage...yeah, that's the excuse. I still have that electric bill somewhere. Later that year that same man showed up at an art show I was participating in because my photo was with the announcement in the local paper. He avoided my parents.

Even though I haven't worked at Jim Beam's for over a decade, and the store has changed management, I still will get asked where items are located if I happen to go in there. Luckily my housewifely skills come into play and I can indeed locate bottles of wheat germ and diet pork rinds. You're welcome.

Don't any one of you dear readers and other hangers on tell my old boss that we used to make large dry ice bombs during our breaks and then blow them up in the trash compactor...ok?

Thursday, November 09, 2006

...and I don't know what to title this post either.

My ovaries must be Republican because they are having absolute fits lately. I wish they'd take a hint from Rumsfeld.

I know when I go to visit the doctor he's just going to want to put me back on some form of hormonal birth control. I got fixed (lovely pictures over on my sidebar, under my birth stories) so I wouldn't have to take that crap. I can't be profane enough when it comes to describing how birth control made me feel.

What I'm liking best about my ovaries, at the moment, is the goatee they are causing me to grow. Goatees are so stylish right now. I have a goatovary. It turns my husband right on.

The weepiness is endearing as well. I was watching The Lord of the Rings the other day and I broke out into wracking sobs when Samwise threw Frodo over his shoulder and schlepped him up a volcano. All Frodo needed, in that scene, was a goatovary and he'd look exactly how I feel. Samwise must be a Democrat.

And now I don't know how to end this post....blah...I think I'll go eat chocolate.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Stuff my ballot box

Have you voted yet? Well have ya?

I will do my civic duty. They give you a sticker when you are finished. Because I am an American and free, that means I get to put my sticker anywhere I damned well please.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Spank Me

My oldest sister, Lori, has saved me the effort of thinking much by supplying me with today's post. I appreciate this immensely.

Today is my 32nd birthday and it's written in the card Lori gave me:

It's your birthday!

I asked this lady at the card shop to help me pick out a birthday card for you, and she said, "WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND LIKE?" So I told her.....

(Ok, make like you are opening the card here....)

Then she told me to get out or she'd call security!

Har-dee-har-har Lori. You'll still always be older than I am.

Friday, November 03, 2006

You can't push a rope

I don't know how to start blogging this morning. The words feels sticky. I am out of practice. I've let my oatmeal get cold pondering all this.

I learned yesterday that a boy that I wish my oldest son wasn't so attracted to be friends with tried to hang himself. I'm not shocked or surprised. This boy has a history of being highly dramatic in an effort to garner attention. His dramatics have earned him several expulsions from school over the years. He is a year older than my son.

Apparently he pulled this stunt at school with a rope and a doorknob last month.

I've actively discouraged my son spending much time outside of school with this boy. Now my son knows why. The best way to describe this boy's personality is that he's the type of person that would shoot up heroin just to prove that he couldn't get addicted to it. I've had little choice but to discourage the son isn't a leader with the ability to influence this boy...he's a follower, easily influenced.

I don't know what this boy's family has done with him, but we've not seen hide nor hair of him for the month of October. Propriety tells me I should feel badly about that, but I don't.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Have your pets spayed or neutered

To the neighbor who was giving out the single serve twinkies for halloween and gave me one too just because, you are awesome.

No, I do not really endorse the use of razor blades in halloween candy, despite the poorly executed joke in my last post. I was tiring of some particular people complaining on how unsafe Halloween is these days! Here is what Snopes has to say about it.

Pictures of costumes forthcoming...mostly because I decided I wasn't feeling real great last night and didn't dress up...and because I didn't take the camera out and take pictures of my kids. It's not like the costumes suddenly disappeared. We can put them on again!


How do you send a resume' to CBS?

You've heard that Bob Barker is retiring next year? I love Bob Barker but I want his job. Barker's beauties? Pshaw, Becky's beauties! Naturally they'll have more cleavage than I do but I plan on having longer legs.

I promise, if I get his job, I will stop dying my hair and just let it go naturally grey. You should see my roots now.

Absent Minded Archives