Sunday, December 10, 2006

Bloody Hell

I know I have one or two...maybe even five...men that read my blog. As to not offend masculine sensibilities I'm offering this warning...

This post is about feminine hygiene products. If the discussion of maxi pads and tampons doesn't leave you feeling April fresh, stop HERE.

(Psst, I'm not mentioning why women go to the restroom in groups.)

Alrighty then...

What's better to write about when you haven't written for over five days...about the length of your normal, average, run of the mill menses? OK, you can think of around ten better things to write about. List 'em in my comments.

I'm tired of pads and I'm tired of tampons. I'm not necessarily tired of menstruating but I'm tired of feminine hygiene products. I'm tired of pink wrappers. I'm tired of floral scented, fresh scented and unscented. I'm tired of ultra thin, thin, regular, super, superlong, overnights, and I've struck oil! I'm tired of soft covers, ultra dry covers and wings. I'm tired of cardboard applicators, plastic applicators, no applicators and applicators that don't have enough ridges on them so you can get a decent grip. I'm tired of pantyliners smaller than my credit card...and pantyliners thin enough to wear with a thong. I'm tired of wayward tampon strings.

When my oldest was four he became concerned over my older sister's scabbed knee, and thinking logically, providing her with a big maxi pad to make it feel better. I'm tired of maxi pads being thought of as just another band-aid.

I'm tired of women not disposing their feminine hygiene products in a hygenic manner. C'mon ladies, wrap 'em up nicely and put them in the proper receptacle in the public restroom. Fresh ones do not belong pasted on the walls, under the toilet seats, in the unflushed toilet or on the doorknobs. Nasty.

I wouldn't mind it if I had my own menstrual hut. Spending a week in blissful solitude, menstruating my little heart out, may be better than choosing the proper protection. There would be no questioning if my pad or tampon can stand up to the rigors of horse riding, bike riding, jogging, chasing heathen children or olympic diving. Perhaps I can hire a man with muscles to serve me sandwiches and chocolate while I'm there.

At least my generation wasn't subjected to the menstrual belt...and for that I will forever be grateful.

7 comments:

  1. morning, saw your myspace and had to read your ramblings. and yes, i did read about female hygene flinching and using only one eye.
    But, Im not terribly shocked by your blog...im a paramedic and I see people at their absolute worst. Some of the things that come out of the human body...damn!

    Anyway, just thought id say . love it and keep it going....and oh....fasten your kids in properly. I see ALOT of people saving two minutes and the end result.

    anywau...if you want to chat...just look up baloo on my space.

    later babe!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I heart the anonymous guy for reminding us to buckle our kids!!! I don't doubt that you are already firmly on that page with me, so we can safely bitch about those cunty women who would rather have a dead kid than a whining one. Idjits.

    Ok, on to feminine hygiene!! I am sick of it all--even the hemoraging part of it. I hate trying to spell that word. It makes me feel like a liar for saying, "I can spell ANYTHING." Which is technically true, because did you see that? I spelled "anything" juuuust fine. Ahem. The point is, I saw some crazy new product in the fem. hy. section the other day but I had forgotten all about it until now. It looked like a little cup-type thing and claims to replace tampons...Gonna have to do a search...hold on.
    Voila!
    http://www.softcup.com/

    It took me a surprising 4 search terms to find it. Finally got it with "instead of tampons"...cuz it's called "instead"!!! Woot! If you read the FAQ section, they claim you can even have "clean, comfortable" sex with it in! I'd like to vote that you try this sucker out and write a post on it...(if you do, let me know. i'm a slacker-ass blogger lately and only read about 3 randomly selected blog posts per week...)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I heart the anonymous guy for reminding us to buckle our kids!!! I don't doubt that you are already firmly on that page with me, so we can safely bitch about those cunty women who would rather have a dead kid than a whining one. Idjits.

    Ok, on to feminine hygiene!! I am sick of it all--even the hemoraging part of it. I hate trying to spell that word. It makes me feel like a liar for saying, "I can spell ANYTHING." Which is technically true, because did you see that? I spelled "anything" juuuust fine. Ahem. The point is, I saw some crazy new product in the fem. hy. section the other day but I had forgotten all about it until now. It looked like a little cup-type thing and claims to replace tampons...Gonna have to do a search...hold on.
    Voila!
    http://www.softcup.com/

    It took me a surprising 4 search terms to find it. Finally got it with "instead of tampons"...cuz it's called "instead"!!! Woot! If you read the FAQ section, they claim you can even have "clean, comfortable" sex with it in! I'd like to vote that you try this sucker out and write a post on it...(if you do, let me know. i'm a slacker-ass blogger lately and only read about 3 randomly selected blog posts per week...)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ok, I just read ALL the FAQs and I'm experiencing a mixture of excitement and revulsion...I think I want to try it!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. LOL Lisa, yer funny.

    I've used Instead. I should use them again. I could buy a Diva cup I guess.

    Reuseable washable pads are all the rage at a frugal forum I visit. Apparently you can buy these in flannel patterns to match your moods or the seasons. You can sew your own to match the size of your crotch...

    (Not saying you have a huge crotch, maybe you have a tiny crotch. I've really not paid attention to your crotch.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Use it, love it, but only at night and with a tampon as well. Ugh.

    They do leak a bit sometimes, but overall great.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well, rock on.
    It sounds awfully complex, so I think I'm out of the run, but I'm glad to hear you've tried it!!

    ReplyDelete

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