Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Read my lips, no new...Look! A shiny thing!

Tonight is the State of the Union address. You are all cordially invited to my home to partake in chili and witty repartee. We'll show Dubya that he's not the only one full of hot air!

Monday, January 30, 2006

Get Yours Today!

As part of my complex and sometimes irrational code of morality I refuse to buy any product that is touted as a "system".


You and I know that all "systems" are sold on infomercials and when that pans out they get stocked on the shelves of your closest Wallyworld.

No, I don't need a mopping system, or a jogging system, or a hair brushing system, or a breast enhancement system, or an egg peeling system. OK, I might need the breast enhancing system.

I want to know what it is about these simple contraptions that are systematic exactly? Oh, I know! It's the payment system! Four payments of $19.99 plus shipping and handling...but wait...call in the next 24 years and we'll take off a payment! That's one month less of feeling systematically screwed.

While shopping this weekend my son purchased a rather large magnifying glass. Many tasks can be accomplished with this handy little device but we all know what he purchased...an ant decimating system. I also made some purchases which I will list.

  • A bunch of silk flowers = fairy costume trimming system

  • A tablet of carbon paper = hand drawn image transferring system

  • Raisin Bran = vitamin enriched colon cleansing system

  • A baby gate = curious infantile possible danger blocking system

  • Birthday candles = yearly lung capacity checking system

  • Deodorant = body odor suppressing system

I feel more important and savvy now.


Anyone ever wonder how this man ever managed to breed?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Absorbtion

I've stopped myself from writing the most boring post in the history of this blog. I was going to regal you with specific details on how I cleaned and organized my sewing areas, but I got a hold of myself just in time. All you need to know is that I've got a hell of a lot of buttons and all the costumes that need finishing details got hung on one end of a closet.

Now that I've got that MarthaStewart-esque post out of my system it's high time to blog about something timely. Something that's been on my mind quite a bit recently. Something that's troubling....

Why won't my husband go to the grocery store and pick up tampons for me?

I realize that my legs aren't painted on and that menstruating hasn't got me so weak that I can't pick myself up and buy all the tampons I want...but really...would a box of tampons burn his fingers if he picked up some?

Help me out here people...

PS. Speaking of tampons. Check out one of my favorite housewifely craftwhore sites. You'll LOVE it.

PPS. Thank you for the title Clarabell.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

100th post. 100 things about me. Yay!

Updated March 7, 2007.And again, May 8, 2008
And again, April 26, 2011

1. I have street cred.

2. I’m funnier than my husband is or ever will be, ever.
Okay, he's funny, sometimes. He's special.

3. I like cats.
And my husband is allergic to them, turns out. That's special too.Allergy under control, second cat being considered.
Three cats now living in my home.  Allergies being tolerated and are much better since moving the bed away from the window.

4. I like houseplants but currently have none. For some reason unknown to me they die in this house.
I'm working on growing live plants outside.
I've xeroscaped outside.  I live in a desert.  Who am I kidding?

5. I grew up in a small town on a small farm where we raised Arabian show horses.

6. I ate my lunch with chopsticks the entirety of my third grade year.

7. My older sister cut my long hair into a long mullet when I was ten years old.

8. I married Justin 2 months after graduating high school. We’ve been married 12 years.
We'll celebrate our 15th anniversary in August, 2008.
18 years in August, 2011.

9. I gave birth to our first son 6 months after that.

10. I gave birth to our second son almost exactly five years after the first son. They had the same due date.

11. I gave birth to our third son nearly 6 years after the second.

12. My body fights every form of hormonal birth control I’ve ever been unfortunate to use. I hate the stuff.

13. I’ve been properly sterilized.
I have the most famous uterus on the interweb. It's amazing what kinds of search terms bring up a photo of my uterus. I never thought my uterus would generate the web traffic it does. My uterus photo is even being used without permission on a medical site I won't name.
Tubal ligation photos still generating much traffic.

14. Even though I’m a seamstress, I don’t have the first clue to how to knit. I can crochet slowly.

15. Even though I’m a seamstress, I very rarely sew my own clothing.

16. Even though I’m a seamstress, I don’t quilt.

17. I hate doing dishes.
This has not changed, and my automatic dishwasher is still busted. Damn it all to hell. New dishwasher purchased. Old dishwasher now used to hide the bodies.  New dishwasher still going strong.

18. I dislike avocados and love guacamole.

19. I fart and I admit it.
I just did. Heh, and I just did it again. I picked my nose too. Pulled my underwear out of my ass.

20. I collect glass paperweights. They more they look like small blobs the better.

21. I collect frog figurines. The more natural they look, made out of metal or stone, the better.

22. I used to collect miniature tea sets but I got tired of dusting them and sold them on Ebay.

23. Christmas isn’t complete for me unless I have a tin of butter cookies.
Is it just me or are they not as tasty as they used to be?

24. I haven’t counted lately but I own over 500 commercial sewing patterns. I have a filing system for them including a looseleaf binder with a copy of every pattern envelope and a card system so I can quickly look up patterns like children’s animal patterns or poodle skirts.
510. 600. 620.

25. If I don’t have a pattern I can draft one myself.

26. I own around 100 sewing, costuming and Halloween type books. I’ve read all but one which is new and quite thick, called “Survey of Historic Costume”
I gave a bunch to our local public library. But then I bought more. Still 100 books. 105. 110 and a couple on my Kindle.

27. No, I won’t sew convenience flaps into your Furry Squirrel Suit so you can attend that one convention with all the rest of the Furry Suit wearers. Well, maybe I will.
No, I won't. It's decided. Unless you have a furry beaver suit. Mmmmm beaver.

28. Don’t ask me to sew you any adult baby clothes.
Maybe I will. I draw the line at sewing adult diapers. Mmmmm beaver.

29. I hate people that leave their children’s dirty pampers in parking lots. It’s worse if that person just left the pamper open.

30. I mostly dislike chinese food. I like it more since my last pregnancy when I craved it.

31. I was an Art Sterling Scholar in high school. The only thing I got out of it was being able to say that I was a Sterling Scholar.

32. I can draw, but I can’t draw hands worth a crap.

33. I can’t dance. I like to dance but I can’t dance. Elaine on Seinfeld? Yup, that’s me.

34. I can’t sing. I like to sing but I can’t sing.
This is the dawning of the age of aquarius, age of aquarius! AQUARIUS!
Ohhhhh myyyy love, my darlinggggggg, I hunggaaa ferrr yerrrr touch!
Boogie fevahhh.  I got to BOOGIE DOWN!!

35. I truly believe I can learn and be proficient in anything I set out to learn.

36. I’m interested in so many subjects that sometimes I feel flighty.

37. I took no home economics in high school. I majored in it in college.

38. If I have a question I ask it, even if it makes me look stupid. This is especially the case when conversation leads to sports stars because I only know the names of the ones that have crossed over to pop culture.
No, really, Who is John Galt?

39. I believe in the death penalty.

40. I don’t hint. If I want something I ask clearly. I find hinting to be passive aggressive.
Send me money. Buy me a pony.  Make me a sandwich.

41. I don’t watch reality TV. Except for the audition episodes of American Idol and Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I find the premise of Survivor sad.
I love Top Chef and Project Runway!  Hoarding!!!

42. I don’t like war movies with the exception of the first half of the movie “Full Metal Jacket”.

43. Even though I’m a seamstress I don’t watch Snewing with Snancy (Sewing with Nancy). I admire the woman as an entrepreneur but I find her shows patronizing and uncreative. Two of my sewing books are written by her and they are great. “Fitting Finesse” is a staple that should be in any seamster’s library.
I gave away "501 Sewing Hints"

44. I won’t take your order for a Halloween costume in the month of October. Sorry. I try to be done with all but my son’s Halloween sewing by the first of October. If you’d like a custom costume get to me in summer. Yes, it takes that long.

45. I have a large pokey mole on my neck.

46. My wedding ring is too large. It’s a size 5.

47. My ears are pierced twice.  I think I'll go get a third piercing.

48. I used to have a small tattoo on my hip. It was a red heart with a black outline. Despite trying to keep it moist it still scabbed over and most of the tattoo went with the scab. The black outline I had left was obliterated by a large stretch mark. Now you can’t even tell it was ever there.

49. I doubt very much that I’ll ever get another tattoo.

50. I’m an excellent cook.

51. Despite my talents in the kitchen I cannot bake a decent pan of brownies. They either turn out goopy or too fluffy. If brownies were pie crust my brownies would be excellent.
I can now bake a decent pan of brownies with the perfect texture. Right about now my husband is thinking, "bake some!"

52. I yell out “bless you!” when people I don’t know sneeze in public.
It's better than shouting, "GERMS GERMS OH MY GOD GERMS!"

53. I’m not scared of bugs or spiders or rodents or snakes.
I'm scared of these.

54. I was handed a baby rat the first day of my junior year in highschool because someone thought I’d scream. I kept it in a birdcage in my room. It had lived there happily for over a year when my Dad discovered it.

55. My first car was a ‘78 Mustang II. I was informed I was going to be buying a vehicle and my Dad chose it. He chose wisely. It had four cylinders, bucket front seats and a non-existent back seat.

56. I’m currently in the market to replace my Mustang II. I don’t want a fastback or a cobra.
Yup, still looking. Stilllll looking.  Anyone know where I can buy one?

57. Sexual fetishes are an interesting subject to me. I don’t have any but I find the why’s of them fascinating...except vomit fetishes.

58. Just because I love costumes doesn’t mean I have a costume fetish. I don’t.

59. I’m submissively dominant.
Now I'm dominantly submissive. Meh, now I just sleep through the whole thing.  Sound really travels well down the hallway to my teenaged son's room.

60. When I’m in a social setting with a group of women I will never say anything against my husband...ever. I am not a hen.

61. Being a housewife doesn’t mean I’m not interested in women’s rights. My choice to be a housewife doesn’t automatically group me with the folks that think women shouldn’t be allowed to vote. I enjoy being barefoot and I enjoy being pregnant.
Time for me to enter politics.  Entered my HOA and I'd rather watch vomit fetish videos than do that again.

62. I enjoy skinnydipping too. I haven’t been in several years. I’d love to go again.
But not in the middle of winter, alrighty? Now that it's spring I'm ready to get nekkid...and I should probably shave.  Love me, love my sasquatch.

63. I love my mother in law.
Yup, still do. There is something wrong with you if you hate my MIL.

64. I try to go braless as much as possible. This is less these days because my oldest is almost twelve and he’s beginning to notice those things.
And so do Jehovah's Witness when you answer the door...I'm thinking my braless days are about over. Sigh. Goodbye yellow brick road.
I'm only braless because my bras never fit because my boobs won't stay the same size from one day to the next.

65. My breasts are noticeably lopsided, by an entire cup size. My left breast is smaller.

66. Sometimes I stuff on the left, sometimes I don’t. Depends on the blouse.

67. I don’t like wearing makeup. I put it on maybe once a month.

68. I get wordy.

69. I am an excellent Scrabble and Boggle player.
Ever play Boggle where the only words you are allowed to find are five letters or more? Heh...I kick ass.Scramble on Facebook is awesome.

70. Someday, when my kids aren’t old enough to get scared of it, I will dress up as a 12 foot tall Grim Reaper.
Ooooh, maybe that's next Halloween!

71. I drink a lot of milk. I’d rather drink milk with my meals than most anything.

72. I’m not a breakfast eater. I don’t generally get hungry until noon. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and I’m full.

73. As I age I’m looking more like my mother and her mother.

74. You won’t ever catch me wearing thong underwear. If I want to avoid panty lines I go commando.

75. Even if I sell these.
I took down the linky. I used to sell novelty thong underwear sealed in a recycled beer bottle. Great gift for baby showers.
If anyone wants a Thongwiser, I'll send you one. Throw me an email.

76. I don’t really like beer either. I got the bottles for those from a man who owns a bar.
As far as I know he still owns that bar.

77. My favorite color is purple. I don’t own anything that’s purple.
I now own a V neck purple knit blouse which I like a lot.  It faded and died.

78. My lips are naturally a dark color. I rarely wear lipstick.

79. I like being kissed on the neck...a lot.

80. I like garnets. It’s not my birthstone.

81. I can charm a curmudgeon.  Unless they are in my HOA.

82. I have 10 very large plastic boxes full of fabric in my garage and 4 more cardboard boxes full stacked on top for good measure.
...add two more cardboard boxes. I've been a good girl and not bought much...Two more JUMBO sized plastic boxes.
Holdin' steady.

83. I’m quite regular.
Oprah tells me this is good.And what Oprah says goes...and now Oprah can inspect poo on her own network.

84. I hope to someday visit the Liberace museum in Vegas.
...and Graceland!
Liberace Museum visited and LOVED...Graceland still on the list of places to go.

85. I find it a little bit arousing when Robin Williams sings “Fire” in Elmer Fudd’s voice.
Have a linky and a big towel. You're welcome.

86. I had a big crush on a fat man in a TV commercial, some years back. He was dancing about taco shells and salsa.
I couldn't find a linky for that. Sigh.

87. If I wear socks they rarely match the rest of my outfit.

88. I have pretty feet. I have really long toes. Sometimes my feet turn an interesting shade of purple.
Matches the new knit blouse.
Matches Glenn Beck's blubbering.

89. I’m stuck on eighty-nine. At least I wasn’t stuck twenty places back. (heh)

90. I’ve never been officially proposed to. I’ve been told that I would be getting a proposal but it’s never happened.

91. I’m pear shaped. I grew hips at age 12. I know how to move them.

92. I cannot go #2 in a public restroom. My bowels clench so tight that I fart backwards.

93. I think George Dubya Bush is a twat. This makes Karl Rove a tampon. This administration needs some Midol.
Thank GOD it'll be over soon.
Vote Obama!
Yes, I still like Obama. 

94. I cry at the end of the movie “Babe”.

95. I like reading in the bathtub.
Sometimes it puts me to sleep in there...
Don't have to turn pages when you read your Kindle in the tub.

96. I had five wisdom teeth removed. I’m extra wise (assed).

97. I still have a lot of admiration for anyone I ever dated, except one person. He had one eyebrow and a strange looking penis. What was I thinking?

98. I love secondhand stores. I like searching through racks of donated clothing looking for the most awful attire. I like donated frames and glassware.

99. I think potguts are sexy.
Thick thighs too...
And bald spots.

100. Ok, I really don’t have street cred. Unless working on Center Street in Provo counts.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Monday Monday

I done got meme-ed. Thanky Bon.

Four Jobs You've Had in Your Life:
1. I sold hotdogs and diet soda at the Marriot Center at BYU. That's where they have basketball games. Yes, we have no soda with caffiene in it.
2. I was a grocery store checker for several years.
3. I worked two weeks at a rest home.
4. I managed a costume shop/rental.

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
1. Gone with the Wind
2. Orlando
3. The Shawshank Redemption
4. The Shining

Four Places You've Lived:
1. Everywhere in Utah County except Provo.
2. San Diego
3. Cedar City, Utah
4. Bendover!

Four Websites You Visit Daily:
1. Justin's Blog
2. Ebay
3. Every one of the blogs listed to the right and a few others
4. myfamily.com

Four TV Shows You Love To Watch
1. Medium
2. CSI
3. Antiques Roadshow
4. Dr. Pheel

Four of Your Favorite Foods:
1. Fettucine Alfredo
2. Traditional turkey and fixin's
3. Hot bread
4. Tiramisu

Four Albums You Can't Live Without:
You got me. I listen to songs that I don't know the names of. Don't even ask me to remember the names of the albums!

Four of Your Favorite Books or Series of Books:
1. "A Prayer for Owen Meany" by John Irving
2. The Gunslinger series by Stephen King
3. "Erte's Fashion Designs" and "Fashion Drawings and Illustrations from Harper's Bazar" - Erte' designs selected by Stella Blum
4. "Unmistakably Mackie: The Fashion and Fantasy of Bob Mackie" by Frank DeCaro

Four Places You'd Rather Be:
1. Utah...the mountains
2. Disneyland
3. Next to Justin, sleeping.
4. In my own head.


What a fine way to lead into my 100th post which should show up sometime tomorrow evening.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Why the IRS can kiss my patoot.

Last night Justin and I were practicing a little marital maintenance. Fine, I'll come right out and say it. We were...uh...doin' it...and it was lovely and very romantic.

It was during the early portions of last night's marital maintenance that my husband blurts out something so out there that it made us both pause. I won't relay what he said, but it was innocent and completely unrelated to our current activity. We both laughed uproariously about this breech in nookie etiquette. Marriage is funny.

Justin isn't the first in our marriage to have done this. I've done it. I've done it so much worse...

I've learned long ago that the horizontal hokey pokey puts my brain in a state of limbo. Thoughts pop up at lightning fast speeds that have nothing to do with what my body is completely enjoying. It's not that I'm bored. It's rather that I'm too entertained! I can give voice to these thoughts or I can shove my head somewhere and not speak at all.

So...when you are enthusiastically trying to exchange bodily fluids it's best not to ask about how much your tax return will be...like I did several years ago.

Kills the mood.

Friday, January 20, 2006

OMG Becky, Look at her BUTT!

On my last post Kathie commented on the non-squooshy-ness of my butt as I commented on her blog on it's squooshy-ness. (And then she squooshied and I squooshied and she knew I squooshied and I knew she knew I squooshied.)

At the moment I have a rather squooshy butt which isn't evident in my Carmen Miranda photo to the right. Why isn't it evident in that photo? Because that photo was taken before baby #3 came along.

I'm usually on the thin side. When I graduated highschool I weighed 105 lbs. at my towering 5'10". I could out-eat anyone I knew too. When I'm pregnant my body thinks "free for all!" and I put on the pounds. These pounds know where the living is easy and head straight to my posterior. This is my body's way of keeping me from tipping over on my face while pregnant. I lost weight easily after baby #1 and it took around 6 months with baby #2. In the five years between baby #2 and learning baby #3 was coming I maintained a pretty even 125-135 lbs. This is an excellent weight for me.

At the doctor's visit a few days before baby#3 showed up I weighed....drumroll...210 lbs. Yes folks, that's 80 lbs hanging tenaciously to my buttocks. My sweet baby (who is so sweet and sweet to the hilt and severely sugary) was seven months old yesterday and I've lost an amazing amount of weight but I still have a good portion hanging onto my butt. So, in conclusion, my butt is squooshy.

I'm an optimist. I'm also very creative. I'm also fairly practical. My butt can be utilized! One of my favorite periods in dress is the late victorian era. I want desperately to recreate this...


...and I won't even need to sew any bustle hoops!

Jill...dear little sister, do not even offer to show that photo of my butt on your camera phone. Have a nice day!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Spock's Rocks

My little sister and I share a really fun hobby. We don't practice our hobby together as it's a private thing, but because of genetics we share it.

Yes, we pass kidney stones. (What were YOU thinking?)

I passed my most recent and largest stone last year, during my pregnancy. I was having a leisurely and relaxing constitutional when I felt something *pop*. Pregnant women pay a lot of attention to weird sensations "down there". When something pops you don't ignore it.

After seeing that I was still whole "down there", I checked the bowl. It was the size and shape of your typical Orville Redenbacher popcorn kernal. I figured my doc would want to see it so I spooned it out of the bowl with a ladel.

It surprised the heckfire out of me. I'd passed stones before with the usual amount of nausea and backache but this one was my largest and it popped out pain free! Apparently pregnancy dialates your urethra and thank god for that.

I hadn't realized that saving my stone could make me any money. It got sparkly when it dried! Captain Kirk sold his kidney stone for charity. The folks at GoldenPalace.com are certainly known for buying fine collectibles and paid 25K for Shatner's stone. Jokes abound in the article. All I could come up with is that Shatner had trouble with dribbles.

So, if anyone has a buck and a half I'll sell you my kidney stone and give the proceeds to Diabetes. No word on if my little sister has a matching stone to sell.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Hurl Nut Zippers

My sweet seven month old baby boy, who is very sweet and happy and always sweet, is not content to stay in the living room with his toys anymore. He's got an adventuresome spirit! There are so many things in this house that need tasting.


Tasty items include:

The cat's food and water
The cat himself
The costume Mommy is sewing
Newspapers
The vacuum cleaner
Disney videos
Shoes
and...Diapers

I'd allow the baby to gulp down the cat but I know how the cat struggles with hairballs. I would never toss my baby outside when he starts horkin' up a wad of stinky fur.

***

What time is it? No, it's not Howdy Doody time. It's the fifteenth and it's January's Bestest Housewifely Doodad time!

After a lot of soul searching this month I finally came upon an item that makes my mornings run smoothly. It's not coffee, though coffee makes my colon run smoothly. It's...


Snack sized Ziploc bags! Packing lunches for school aged carpet apes was never so snack-a-riffic. The size is perfect for lunch boxes! Throw a few baby carrots in these suckers and you've provided your progeny with a balanced and nutritious alternative to the microwave heated two dollar a lunch crap they serve at the elementary school.

(A sidenote...the school actually serves those damned peanut butter and jelly Uncrustables. Seriously...a PB+J convenience food? Who can't slap together a real PB+J? The Smuckers folks are off their rockers.)

I don't want to mislead you, dear readers and other hangers on. I don't buy Ziploc brand. Frankly, the above was the only good photo of the product I could find on the internets. I buy the store brand. In bulk. I'm not overly picky over the thickness of the plastic, or the colors of the zipper mechanism...especially over something that's just going to be thrown away. I go cheap. All I ask is that it keeps a handful of raisins squishy for four stinkin' hours and that ants can't get in.

These bags are available at any grocery type store anywhere. If they are not available near you I think you should throw red paint on the bagboys. That'll get the point across!

Thank you snack sized zipper bags, I like you, I really like you.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Here Kitty Kitty Kitty

I sat down to write a story about my day but then I had an overwhelming urge for a sundae. The blank blogger page had to wait until I got this lovely bowlful of vanilla ice cream topped with caramel sauce, whipped cream and two maraschino cherries. And I just dripped onto my jeans. So much for good graces and warm thighs.

So...Today Justin and I decided to take turns escorting a twenty dollar bill to one of the local casinos. We don't do this very often. It's usually something we enjoy doing when we have visitors but today we thought we'd attempt to win enough to buy something really neat from Ebay.

Justin's trip put him ahead by twenty dollars. That was enough to buy something neato like this! He didn't bid. Instead he increased my one on one date with a twenty dollar bill to a threesome with an extra hot shekshay twenty dollar bill. I didn't know what to wear!

I grab my player's card, fully dressed, and head out to the casino. I hit a hot machine and play my way up to $80. An hour and a half later I leave with five bucks. I'm not broke, wooohoooo! That's approximately 3 seconds of neon lighting I just paid for.

Pulling out of the parking lot I spot a flicker of black fur on the side of the road across the street. Lady Luck is an ironic whore, throwing an UNlucky black kitten to cross my path. She knows I'm going to attempt to take it home...

(People often drop their kittens off in my town because it's in the middle of nowhere. Itinerary - drive 120 miles, drop off kittens, play penny slots, eat buffet, play megabucks slot machine, attempt to buy cheap likker, hit on a cocktail waitress.)

I park my fabulous minivan in the back lot of the most run down casino in town, which is near to where I saw the kitty. The place smells like aspercream, grease and thirty year old unfiltered camels. It's the home of the twenty four hour 99 cent breakfast. This unlucky black kitten had taken up residence in a drain pipe. I tried to coax it out of it's pathetic winter abode but he was not in a listening spirit. I'd move out of his line of sight and his head would pop up. He'd smirk at me, stick out his tongue and then wiggle his way back into the pipe.

I soon gave up on his cheeky feline ass. I don't need a kitten funnier than I am.

Yet, Lady Luck had one last dig for me. I notice, on my way back to the van, that drain pipe kitty's two siblings were stretched out nearer the casino back building. Another all black cat and a long haired black and white calico. They looked at me with great big sweet pwecious cuddly eyeballs. I needed a kitten. They needed me! I end up chasing two more cheeky kittens around a casino parking lot amongst the beer bottles. They played "keep away" with my dignity. Feline bastards.

Amazingly this isn't the first time I've done this. The first time it was in a casino parking lot at one in the morning. I'd discovered a little grey kitten in the wheel well of the econoline van parked next to me. That kitten spat and ran, spat and ran.

Those kittens don't know what they are missing out on at my house. I just dripped more ice cream onto the plastic chair mat. Not to mention that I've tied my two maraschino cherry stems into knots with my tongue.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Minutia

There are many topics swirling around in my little brain this morning that I was fully intending to blog about but I can't seem to start. My problem is that I haven't been able to open this post with a sentence that any normal English speaker would want to read. That being said, I'll list the topics that are taking up space in my head, rent free.

1. Mom jeans. Muffin top low rider jeans. Why? Why not? How to prevent panty lines wearing either variety!

2. Should the government make it more difficult to obtain a divorce or just more difficult to get married in the first place? Can I blame the government for the failure or success of any of my personal relationships and if I succeed, will someone give me money?

3. What should I wear to the Oscars?

4. Last night's episode of CSI featured infantilism. I get emails to my costume business inquiring about custom sewing size 42 layettes in darling rubber ducky fabrics. Should I expect more emails and will I be an accessory to homicide?

5. George Dubya Bush is a twat.

If any of you dear readers and other hangers on want to comment on the above items, please do so. I'm told that in blog-land this week is delurking week. I'm not forcing you...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Gimme that Old Time Religion...It's Good Enuff Fer Me!

A comment I received today on one of my earliest posts has caused me to suffer from many deep thoughts in the last hour. Deep thinking is rather painful. It also makes me thirsty. I might also be constipated...

The comment was made about my August 31st post where I made my one and only comment I will ever have about the LDS church (Mormon) in my blog. Since I vowed not to discuss the Mormon church or my neutral feelings about it, I believe I'll spew on about faith and the spiritual path. Take this as you will, but don't take it as absolute. This is my blog and so it's chock full of my opinions!

I personally believe that we are put on this planet, with all our imperfections and the gift of free will, to learn what you cannot learn in the love and perfection of God's presence. I also believe we are sent here choosing (influenced by God's omnipotence) some of the things we'd like to experience and therefore learn while we are Earth-bound. For these two reasons (and some others) I find it infathomable that one lifestyle, or one value system, can truly encompass all of God's will and compassion. While I have nothing against the premise of organized religion or the function it has in faith, I do not believe it is for everyone. I do not believe that that our saving grace comes out of simple faith in God, or that Jesus is the savior, or any other pat belief...but it comes in intentions and in a person's body of work.

These thoughts come on top of some timely Utah news stories. One being theater owner Larry Miller's decision to pull the movie "Brokeback Mountain" out of his establishments without comment. The other being the recent debate and bill in the Utah state senate trying to limit the definition of extra curricular clubs so that it's legal to ban gay/straight clubs on high school campuses. It's predisposed, because this is Utah, that this is a religious issue.

My commentary isn't aimed at Utah or Mormons in particular. I find that rigidness in faith, compassion and the gift of free will is an abomination in and of itself. Most of us do the best with what we've got. Our bests are relative.

I was once sharing a story of a person I know who was struggling with difficult lifestyle choices with a woman to whom faith came particularly easy. She was astonished at my acquaintance's struggles and replied to the story with, "But doesn't she know about the church?" Well yes...she does know about the church...but that doesn't mean that her spiritual path will be the same as your own, nor should it be. Your path won't heal her even though it's valuable and valid. Trying to explain this to my astonished friend made it readily apparent in my mind what her struggles were.

The cherry on top of all this talk of God and free will and learning is the disconcerting revelation that...oh pray for them...Brad-Gelina is having a baby. I'll leave it to Larry Miller to quietly pull it out of his theaters.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

There once was a girl, who had a little curl...

A friend and I were chatting this morning. Neither of us can figure out what to make for dinner.

As a housewife you should prepare wholesome, balanced, healthy, seven course meals for your family nightly. Should is the key word here. Sometimes two courses, one of them a frozen and heat gourmet treat and the other fresh out of the can, is all I'm schlepping on the table.

My friend is preparing a lovely meatloaf for her horde. My boys won't eat meatloaf. Meatloaf looks nothing like Burger King cheeseburgers or chicken nuggets...therefore meatloaf should not even be looked at much less tasted. I have to force them with threats of death to eat the nice meatloaf. She mentions that she leaves out the onions in her meatloaf because the kids always know that they are there and won't eat it. She doesn't want to find slabs of oniony meatloaf hidden in unassuming spots around her house.

Last night I did manage a delicious homecooked meal. I schlepped together chicken fajitas on homemade tortillas. Chicken fajitas, as well they should be, are made all the more fajita-like with peppers and onions. My boys left little piles of uneaten carmelized onions on their plates. Never mind that they already got the full flavor of the onions in the chicken, just don't make 'em eat the rest of the oniony evidence! I might have forced them to eat the onions if they had any sort of nutritional value.

My dad was tricky when it came to getting his kids to eat their onions. He would explain that if I ate my onions I'd grow hair on my chest. Dad has glorious, copious and fluffy hair on his chest! What little girl doesn't want a chest full of hair like daddy's? I happily snarfed up my onions.

I'll leave you wondering if it worked or not.


PS...My two older boys won't eat onions and my baby wants to eat what's in the cat's dishes. What's up with that?

Friday, January 06, 2006

The Power of Christ Compels Me!

Why is it that Alka Seltzer is so entertaining to prepare and then so nasty to drink? Blech...

Yes Jill, I caught your cold! So did Justin. Every time I suck back snot I will be thinking of you.

***

I recently made note of a search term used to find my blog. I'm sorry dude, but you won't find "Sally Struthers naked picture" here. Do such photos exist?

***

I hit a new low yesterday. I am so ashamed of myself. I will offer no excuses for my behavior, or justifications. Rest assured I will be seeking a support group.

I watched "New York Minute" starring the Olsen twins on HBO because there was nothing else on daytime TV. (Except "Grease" and childbirth on Discovery health...)

It was Ashley and Mary Kate -a- licious. I want to buy black eyeliner.

I must log off now. It's time for my exorcism.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Look Mom, No Cavities!

Justin and I have a long tradition of pointing out attractive members of the opposite sex to each other. Right as I was deciding how to present this little habit of ours to you, my dear readers and other hangers on, my darling husband was ever so considerate as to point out a rather built kickboxer on TV. (I guess it was kickboxing, I dunno! I don't watch this stuff!) He took me on a kickboxer-stud-body tour. I appreciated the broad shoulders, the shining chest, the belly that hadn't quite hardened into six pack abs and finally, the thighs. Oh God his thighs! So sturdy and twitching with testosterone! Six foot five inches of ex NFL loveliness that could be completely covered with my saliva...

Justin is awful sweet to me.

I gladly point out the finer aspects of women to Justin. If this happens to be in public I'll say, "Justin, that lady has a really nice smile!" This loosely translates to, "Check out her rack!"

When it's on TV and the boys are finally sleeping I don't have to be quite the coquette.

Last night, for example... I throw our latest Netflix selection, "Prozac Nation", into the bedroom DVD, snuggle into bed next to a sleepy husband and in no time I'm presented with a bare nekkid Christina Ricci. I throw my arm behind me and shove Justin's butt. "There's Christina Ricci's TITS!" Justin rouses and gawks. Christina's jublies are the highpoint of a really suck-tacular movie.

I've seen Christina Ricci pour herself into roles. This requires a myriad of haircolors. While I prefer her a dark walnut brunette, Justin prefers her topless.

Oh Christina Ricci, you Casper groping tart! Why do you attract my husband so? Sorry, dumb question. She's got skin I'd kill for.

Hey...Nice Smile.

An Important Announcement

Ahem...


Joaquin Phoenix is Yummy.



This is all.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Quote him? I barely know him!

Did my dear readers and other hangers on miss me? I'm baaaaaaccckkkk!!

For your post holiday enjoyment I offer a few quotes from my vacation into Utah County.

"My farts smell like cheese!"
-My son Alec, 6, in front of my parents.

"...and that's when I discovered I'd gotten my period."
-Becky AMHW, when relaying the story of how I lost my virginity to the Bored Housewife in a pool hall during a game of 8 ball.

"Guess which crevice this has been in!"
-Tonya, my sister Lisa's partner in life and evil, upon placing her finger under my nose for sniffin' on Christmas day.

"Toe jam!"
-Becky AMHW, replying to which crevice Tonya's finger had explored.

"Dad, you're a stinker!"
-Becky AMHW, reacting to my Dad taking my winning move in a game of Triominos.

"Alec, let the baby play with his own balls!"
-Justin, my partner in life and evil, when our middle son wouldn't leave the baby's new toy alone.

"Do you really have a boil on your ass?"
-Bored Housewife, in response when my husband offered up my bum for viewing and I mentioned I had a boil on it. No I don't have a boil on my ass. Wanna see?

"That one must be busted."
-Mike, my grown nephew, when the studfinder I'd received from my parents for Christmas beeped at him.

Happy New Year!

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