Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Fresh Pickin's

Nevermind my last post...I'll redeem myself!

I have a new goal in life!

I recommended a website today. It's the most awesomenest website on the internets.

Stuff on my Cat.

I have to submit a photo of my dumb gay cat Booger! When my cat appears on this website's pages all will be right with the world.

The goal is to pick something that hasn't yet been placed on any cat. I have a few ideas on this matter...

1. Booger under an assortment of bloody latex halloween prop body parts. Maybe take the photo on a garbage bag or in the bathtub. (If I can get him to relax in there.)
2. Booger under a pair of my big fake boobs.
3. Booger in a mass of wadded tissues.
4. Booger covered in nearly $150 worth of quarters.

I want your ideas! My cat will be a star!

The best part of wakin' up...

So....

I don't know what to write today. It's another day where I have several thoughts buzzing about my little brain but nothing coherent. All my thoughts are rantish too. I'd love to rant at you but I'm not in the mindset that will balance my rant with just the right amount of biting wit.

Meh.

We bought a new hidey hole aquarium decoration for the fish tank! Feng Shui is important for pets too. (OK, not as interesting as I thought it would be.)

Let's try again.

My baby exploded this morning leaving a pool of poo on my carpet and all up his back! I had to deposit him in the sink so I could hose him down with the sprayer. (Nope...this subject is crap too...heh) (Yes, I disinfected the sink.)

Third time is a charm...

George Dubya Bush is a twat.
BradGelina has brought forth a scourge upon the earth in Nambia.
Big Love is the bestest polygamy show ever on TV!
I like cheese.

I think I'm going to go have another cup of coffee. Sigh.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Sam I am, that Sam I am!


Yesterday we took our 120 mile (240 round trip) jaunt into Salt Lake County so we can enjoy the traffic and the conspicuous consumerism.

OK OK, we HAD to go to Sam's Club. We needed to buy table salt in bulk. I got a four pound box for 87 cents. Sam's Club was monstrously busy. People, sample day at the bulk warehouse isn't free lunch day. Get your melty chili con queso dip in the little plastic cup and then continue on your way! Don't block the meat trough counter while you savor your free processed cheese food product. And for god's sake, PUT YOUR LITTLE PLASTIC CUP IN THE TRASH CAN! They are all over the stinkin' Sam's Club. You can't turn around without running into one. Don't put your little cheese stained cup in the soda can holders on the lid of the industrial sized camping coolers. Were you born in a barn?

Then we bought two cartloads of groceries at Walmart. There are times when we save so much in groceries that it justifies the amount we spend in gas. Walmart wasn't nearly as insane which is unusual. Isn't Walmart always insane? Don't look a gift horse...

I went into Sear's and TJ Maxx for summer blouses. Who decided that women's blouses should be so short? I'm long waisted. Short blouses mean I show the effects of three pregnancies off to the world. I managed to find nice blouses at Sam's for over half the price...and a nice skirt. I'm proud to say that I'm now one size away from my prepregnant size! The button down blouses I really wanted are going to have to be sewn at home.

***

To end our trip we stopped for burgers at Carl's Jr. Our kids we're close to insane from the strain of being told for hours that they must act like gentlemen...and Carl's Jr. has an indoor playground. This playground was more disgusting than most. I forgave them because it also lacked the insidious ball pit of catsup soaked french fry death.

The kids played until our food came and then they were told to sit and eat. Finish the food and then go back and play. One of the new playmates my 7 year old befriended couldn't grasp the concept and visited our table repeatedly. At one point he looked at me with wide eyes and said, "You know what??! If I jump off a talllllllll cliff I might get a bloody nose!"...and then he puts his finger in his nose. I agreed with him wholeheartedly and fed another very healthy french fry to my baby.

I shouldn't complain. Once it was my kid that shut down the playplace. He was four and absolutely would not come out of the ball pit when it was time to leave. They don't size those playgrounds such that a parent can climb in, grab their misbehaving children and drag them out of the McDonald's kicking and screaming. While I was threatening my child with death if he didn't come out right now, he did the unthinkable.

He wet himself in the ball pit.

I'm an honest parent. I told the nearest employee that my kid had an accident in the ball pit. She rolled her eyes at me and said, "We gotta shut it down now!" I chose not to stick around for that part and snuck out.

That's the reason they tell you to take off your shoes at the indoor playgrounds. You might ruin them in the peepee ball pit.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Say, where did I put my broom?


Woo! I'm Cranky! (Yes, with a capital C.)

Though my crankiness really has nothing to do with Arafat. I suppose Arafat makes some people cranky. As much as I'd like to blame him he only gets a spot here because that photo says it all.

I really don't know why I'm cranky. Not knowing makes me more cranky.

I know what to blame for crankiness...


I'll point the finger at the Care Bears! (Guess which finger?)

It's their fault!

Stinking heart shaped noses. Pastel coloring is making me cranky too.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Wanna see my thimbles?


It's done! The springtime fairy...for spring and stuff...

And what's better is that I figured out how to use this super duper photoshop software!

So what we have here is a slip style dress sewn in yellow, blue and lavender layers. There is a layer of blue and lavender net at the bust and one sleeve. It's trimmed with blue and green eyelash yarn, yellow silk flowers and yellow half size pony beads.

The wings are curtain rod style, two layers, made from white tricot. It's dyed with yellow acrylic with yellow and white swirly acrylic paint stamps. They are trimmed with the same silk flowers and are worn with backstrap style elastic straps.

The early stages of this costume are in my sidebar. Since starting this costume I've started four others. Just can't keep my mind on one thing.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Collect the moments one by one

This song makes me happy.

"Mushaboom" by Feist. Go buy a nice Feist CD would you? (So I can feel better about putting this player on my blog. Thankee.)



I'm watching a neighbor's five year old son this morning. He's only been at my house for two hours and already he's played with every toy, crayon, sticker and pet in my house. He's a whirlwind of activity. He wants to go outside but my sprinklers came on. He's asked to go outside approximately every thirty seconds since the sprinklers have come on.

For him, kindergarten starts in three hours. I'm reminded to why I don't watch kids anymore. My brain doesn't go as fast as other people's kids legs.

If I do the math he'll have asked to go outside to play on my sopping wet lawn six hundred times.



Edited to add:

This bird is in my backyard right now. It's about the loveliest thing I've seen today.

Western Tanager

Friday, May 19, 2006

I am Jack's AWOL hormones.


There are lots and lots and lots of reasons that I hated using hormonally based birth control methods. On the top of that list is that most of the time I felt like a fembot with man made progesterone at the control panel. I did not feel shag-a-licious. I had no mojo.

I haven't had to use hormonally based birth control since I had a tubal last September. Being off birth control felt good. In fact I had never felt so good!

...but now I'm feeling fembot-ish again. It ain't because of the machine guns in my fluffy pink maribou bra either.

I suspected something was up two months ago. I've written about my postpartum hair shedding after having rugape #3. It's perfectly normal to shed hair after having a baby! I've shed after having my first two babies! It's definitely not normal to continue shedding hairs all over when your baby is eleven months old. It's also not normal suddenly shed one's libido.

I suspected my thyroid. Having your thyroid turn zombie after childbirth is pretty common. I looked up the symptoms online. While two or three fit, the others didn't fit at all. Sigh...something is not right.

This week I had a hot flash.

Yeah, hot flash...

I had a fembot come to me in a dream after my hot flash and direct me to google where I could investigate the symptoms of early menopause. I'm not kidding about the dream...I woke up knowing exactly where I should go. That's where I found a list of symptoms.

Irregular periods....check
Infertility...well yeah, I had a tubal...check
Hot flashes and night sweats....check check
Skin changes...check
Headaches...check
Bloating...check
Hair loss and thinning...check
Increase in facial hair...holy mother of god am I growing a beard, check
Mood swings...check
Memory lapses, brain fog, lack of concentration....check check check

And a bunch of other symptoms we can check but are a little TMI to be included on this list.

In other words, I've got EVERY symptom....some in spades. (The brain fog bothers me especially. Every word is on the tip of my tongue. I've had to stop and google the definitions of words, twice during this post, just so I can peel the damned word on the tip of my tongue! How apt is my blog title???)

I wouldn't mind it so much if I were fifteen years older but I'm 31. The last thing I want to do at my advanced age is to begin menopause.

I was told when I was contemplating my tubal that this might happen. I, of course, did not think it could happen to me! My mom had a tubal and none of this happy crappy happened to her! Apparently a tubal can interrupt blood flow to the ovaries and then the ovaries get angry, stomp off to their rooms and slam their doors.

Back to the touchy feely OB/GYN for me. I have to anyway. It's getting close to pap schmear time! I so look forward to pap schmears. I'm going to make my appointment shortly after the kids get out of school for the summer and get everything poked and prodded. I might even take a shower for the occasion. There is nothing like being squeaky clean.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I like cheese.

Do brain cells wither like unwatered plants?

My brain feels all withered and one of the reasons is that my baby howled all night long. I got an hour of sleep.

He wasn't hungry
or thirsty
or poopy
or wet
or gassy
or teething
or earachey
or stuffy
or concerned about the war
or taking a stand on illegal immigration
or worried about the stock market
or horrified about the possibility of Jeb Bush running for president.

For reasons that escaped the best of my mothering instincts he felt the need to howl until he collapsed into a teary heap in the center of my bed. He woke up perfectly chipper when the alarm went off.

Little Stinker.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Eggs over easy

So...I'm a little late in posting today...

This is because I was spending quality time with the ole' spousy-poo before he left for a teaching conference in Arizona. He'll be gone until really late Saturday night.

This conference used to be located in historical Philadelphia. Justin was very excited to go to Philadelphia! The powers that be decided it would be good for everyone to move this conference to insanely hot Arizona. The brains on some people...

This is your brain...This is your brain on 110 degree Phoenix heat.




Sheesh, I'm sorry! I got sidetracked for an hour in a debate about legal marriage vs. commonlaw marriage! It's one of my favoritest debate topics. I can go on and on but I won't here.

This is my brain...This is my brain on federal marital rights and laws.

Monday, May 15, 2006

You light up my days and fill my nights....with song...

I've done been me-me-ed! Many thanks to Joyce at DreamHorse Gallery.

3 places I'd love to visit.

* I'd love to go to Disneyland again...or Disneyword. I'm not picky. We had the most fabulous Disney vacation the summer before I pooped out my last baby.
* My husband tells me I want to go to Germany so I can eat food. Who am I to argue with that?
*I've never been to the eastern U.S. I'd like to see and smell parts of New England.

3 people I haven't seen in years and wish I could.

This one was more difficult for me to answer since I see most everyone I want to see. I'll rule out dead folks, since the only way to really see them is for me to give up the ghost. Blogging from the afterlife is just plain creepy for the living. I'll also rule out people I've yet to meet.

* There are a couple people from highschool I'd like to see but have no idea how to contact. They weren't at the last reunion.
* I'd like to contact the boss I had when I managed a costume shop. I've always felt badly that I didn't keep up my friendship with her. It was best, at the time, to distance myself from the job or else I would have been right back in their cess pool. She was so smart and funny.
* I haven't seen Clarabelle for a while. When she's ready I'd like to visit.

3 things I'd like to accomplish in the next three years.

* I'd like to have a wider costume rental inventory.
* I'd like to find a willing male model so I can finally get some pictures of men's costumes up on my website. I will bake the willing man a pie.
* I want to wear a bikini again...wait...I can do that now! I'll restate. I want to wear a bikini without the bulk of my current posterior.


The next step is to tag three folks. This is where my antisocial tendencies come into play. I don't wanna tag anyone! If you want to do the 333 please do because even if I don't tag I certainly like reading everyone else's.


***


Happy May Bestest Housewifely Doodad Day!

For May I have a doozy for you. Ok, I don't...but it's saved me money and heartache. I give you this month's Bestest Housewifely Doodad...




The compact fluorescent bulb!

Have I changed a lightbulb in my house for ages? Hell no! Not since I purchased a bunch of these in bulk from Sam's Club. I don't quite remember how much I paid for a package of five, but it was less than twenty bucks.

These buggers last forever. (Unless you put one into the lid of your aquarium and then you drop said lid into the aquarium and then the bulb makes a loud buzzing noise and a puff of smoke. The fish lived.) The power company used to give me a rebate on my electric bill for buying these because they said they save electricity. They don't offer the rebate anymore but I'm still sure they continue to save electricity.

They offer an excellent quality of light. The small bulbs don't seem to flicker like the long ones do.

The curly shape is decorative, right? Righto! That's why I put a couple in my vanity.

The only downside is that it takes a split second longer to light after you flip the switch. This means I can't put one in my garage door opener to light my garage because it never turns on. If you can't wait a half second for your bulb to light this product is not for you. Patience is a virtue my friend.

Thank you compact fluorescent bulb, I like you, I really like you.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Maternity Rants

If there was ever a finer day to celebrate those that stretch out their uterusses (uteri?) and other bits, it's today. God it's gorgeous outside! Mother's Day in spring makes me want to belt out in song.

The circccclllleeee offf lifffeeee!!!

I belieevvveee the chillldrrruuuuuunnnn are our futurrrreee!!!

My better half is bustling about procurring everything he needs to stuff and braise a roast beef for dinner. Yesterday he gave me a card and some chocolate covered macadamia nuts. The card had some sentiment about thanking me but not being grateful enough to kiss my feet. I think the chocolates say different. They were divine.

What's nice about Mother's Day is that it's a yearly reminder that your sagging boobs, stretch marks, stained carpeting and fingerprinted windows should never be seen in a negative light. You are MOTHER and should be reverred above all other humans on the planet.

I want (if not the first, but maybe the twelve millionth) to wish Angelina Jolie a sagging breasted, stretch marky Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day Angie!

Motherhood has only increased your strange, very strange, sensuality. Not only are you the most attractive person alive but you are, by default, the milfiest MILF out there!

Angie, if you make stretch marks the new benchmark of sexy, I will personally braise you a roast and kiss your feet.


Oh Angelina Jolie, you tattoo touting Brad mounting tart! Why do you attract my husband so? Sorry, dumb question, it's the June Cleaver in her.

I wonder if her belly button has turned inside out?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Only 23 payments of $99.99

I love that my sitemeter lets me see the search terms that people are using to find my blog.

Overall I'm seeing plenty of folks finding me under the term "housewife sex." Hello web searchers! I'm Becky, nice to meet ya! I'm a housewife! I've had sex at least three times that I can prove! (Four if you talk to my sister Jill.)

If you go to MSN and search for the term "Becky having sex" see what comes up first! Go on...I'll wait for you.

Now go back to MSN and search for the term "Becky having gas" and see what comes up second...

What does this prove? (You ask blandly....)

Only that I poke first and poot second. It's good to have priorities in life.

I'm also finding many folks finding my blog trying to find information on "Barbara De Angelis". She's that five times married, informercial touting, self help book writing, relationship guru. Sorry to disappoint; I'm not Bev. I've only been married once and therefore I'm not experienced enough to give marital advice. You can ask anyway...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Holy Schmoly Guacamole

Behold, for I have given birth to a child progidy!

My almost eleven month old baby boy has shown such an aptitude for the visual arts. He's got an amazing mastery of color. His use of light and texture are inspired. His compositions are so emotionally charged, yet so balanced!

It won't be long until you'll hear my son's name compared with the greats! Degas couldn't portray grace as well. Matisse doesn't have near the palette. Picasso's new is now old hack!

His medium is universally understood. Everyone can relate my son's message...


Yes....I just changed his diaper.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

You fail at life!

This morning, whilst dropping my kids off to school, I almost witnessed the death of a way too morning perky eight year old. I'd dropped off my kids in the school parking lot near the crosswalk, like the instructions handed out at the beginning of the school year told me to. There are three places in the parking lot that you can do this, separated by parking spaces.

The lady behind me didn't read the instructions. She assumed I wasn't moving my fabulous minivan forward through the crosswalk and out of the parking lot because I wanted to ruin her morning! It's when she inched her SUV around my vehicle, through two parking spaces, nearly taking out my front headlight that she realized it would behoove her to STOP FOR THE KID IN THE CROSSWALK!

All the while I'm thinking, "Lady, you fail at life!"

I followed her out of the parking lot. Turns out she lives a block from me. She got kinda paranoid when I followed her the entire way home. Heh...karma.

There are plenty of behaviors that will make normal sane folk and most insane folk determine that you're failing at life. Here are a few of my picks:

  • People who leave dirty pampers anywhere but proper trash receptacles. Double failure for people who leave the pampers open. YFAL.
  • People who let their toddler children push their carts in the grocery store unsupervised. That elderly lady moaning on the floor holding her hip? Yeah, your brat did that! YFAL.
  • People that insist on opening doors to public places with their feet so they can avoid germs with their hands and therefore they've left all their shoe sole germs for everyone else. Get a tissue. Double failure if you are a toilet hoverer in an effort to avoid seat germs. You sprinkle when you tinkle. YFAL.
  • People who have grown unfortunate plastic tumors off their ears...called cell phones. There are times when you should turn the thing off and quit yakkin'! YFAL.
  • People who let their kids have computers in their rooms with internet connections who have absolutely no filters or keyloggers or timers on the thing, much less any sort of supervision. Watch tomorrow's Dateline if you want to know why this is dumb. YFAL.
  • Anyone who actively programs spam, viruses, spyware, malware or bots. May you roast like suckling pigs in the depths of hell. YFAL.

I could go on and on. But then, if I do go on, I'm whining...and constant whining is a step toward failing at life. That doesn't mean that you folks can't add to my list however!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Ku Ku Kachoo Mrs. Robinson.

When I was 18 my boyfriend took my hand and jolted me out of movie complacency. He was older than I was, and worldly! He led me in a journey in film appreciation and pop culture beyond the blockbuster.

My education began with a trip to the video section of the grocery store I'd been working at for three years. I had an account with a little leeway with return times and late fees, not that we ever took advantage of that. If there is any quality that my boyfriend had is that he's punctual to a fault. Two dollars out of his pocket and we had successfully rented "The Graduate" and "Deliverance".

We retired to my parent's basement to watch on the 1970's oak veneer console TV. This TV had no knobs to turn the channel. It had a modernistic row of metal plates with the numbers backlit above. To turn the channel, up to channel 14, you put your finger lightly on the proper place on the plate. This device had been broken for a couple years so the TV was stuck on channel two and the backlighting was long gone. Good thing the VCR could handle the antenna and channel changing responsibilities.

For the next four hours I was shocked and enchanted. Is enchanted the proper term after watching "Deliverance?" I can maybe get away with it with
"The Graduate"..."Deliverance" was more intriguing. In any case my naive movie watching eyeballs were opened.

Young Burt Reynolds definitely looks better with a mustache. Ned Beatty, he could have used a mustache too...perty mouth.

I have since watched thousands of artsy fartsy, popular and culturally significant movies. I've had to; I done married that movie watching boyfriend. I like many of these movies. I can appreciate art direction and set design and editing. I appreciate foley artists! Bad movies properly piss me off. A movie is great when I stop paying attention to costume design.

Justin is disappointed that I dislike "Lawrence of Arabia" and "The Manchurian Candidate". Meh...we all have our faults.

Netflix is my friend.

(Should I admit that one of my recent Netflix selections was the entire first season of the original "Degrassi Jr. High"? You're right, I shouldn't admit that.)

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Why I love my husband...

...because he cleans up 7 year old, didn't quite make it to a receptacle, kid barf first thing in the morning and lets me sleep.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Dust in the Wind

Even though my mother and sisters have allergies, I for the most part have escaped the misery.

This morning while returning from taking my kids to school I unthinkingly pooted in my fabulous minivan.

Oh cmon...you've farted in your vehicles too! Don't you look at me like that!

I ate mexican food last night. A gorgeous chicken chimichanga with guacamole, and rice, and beans...and to top this off, a cucumber and chili popsicle which I bought for curiosity's sake. It was amazingly delish.

The scent of used mexican food in my fabulous minivan brought on a series of the most violent and wet sneezes! My eyes still itch a little bit! I think I've gotten a couple hives!

I knew what caused the sneezing as soon as I started. Giggling between sneezes, while trying to drive, doesn't make one look like they are in control of their faculties.

Do they make Benedryl suppositories?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Que' Pasa Pierre!

This immigration issue has had me nervous for the past week.

I don't have enough words to defend what I believe anymore. The fors and the againsts all come from such an emotional place.

I'm for immigration reform. (And I can't believe I agree with Dubya on this...lord help me.)

I'm for spreading facts instead of feelings.

If I get one more email about spending extra on yesterday's boycott day or about the "crime rate" or about The Star Spangled Banner in spanish or about not shopping at businesses displaying signs or flags in spanish... I'm gonna scream.

Is there room for me in France?

Monday, May 01, 2006

Got Freon?


This morning, 1:37 a.m.....

Ring ring ring ring ring...

I crawl over the mountain that is Justin's sleeping body and barely answer the phone.

A calm even-toned teenaged male voice responds: "Ma'am, I'm from "local fixit shop" and I'm calling to find out if your refrigerator is running?"

(It's running twice as well as your brain.)

The Absent Minded Sleepy Housewife: "It's past one a.m. Why are you doing this?"

Teenaged Eejit: "We just wanted to make sure your refrigerator is running."

(Sure it's running. It's gone to the convenience store to get me Gatorade and Slim Jims. You want it to get you a breakfast burrito?)

The Absent Minded Perturbed Housewife: "This is called a prank call. Did you think I'd answer you seriously?"

(Apparently he hadn't discovered Prince Albert in a can.)

Teenaged Eejit: "This is called FUCK you BEE-YATCH!"

Click.

Out of all the years that Justin has been teaching school I'm surprised that we haven't received more than this one prank call. We did have "Looser" scratched into the hood of our old car 6 years ago. Ironic...the English teacher having a misspelled "Loser" on his car. At least it was capitalized.

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