Monday, July 31, 2006

99.4% Pure


Right at this very moment I'm conversing, via a popular instant messaging program, with a man that assumes that if he sweet talks me enough that I might type dirty words in his general direction. It's the risk you run when you make yourself visible on social type web forums. He really likes my profile picture.

It's cute in it's own way I guess. Little does he know that a housewife's version of dirty words come down to:

Mold
Mildew
Scum
Slime
Dirt
Dust
Grease
Grime

and, the coop dee gracey...

RING AROUND THE COLLAR!

Oh Yeah! Bring me a cigarette because I'm done!

Was it good for you?

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times...or else

I'm off to ride roller coasters today. If any of you Utah folk want to stalk me you know where I'll be. I'm the one walking around with with the potgutted hairy guy.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Beans Beans the Musical Fruit

Because my brain is all fuzzy and because I don't really want to regal you with stories about why my neighbor's children are annoying little eejits, I think I will thrill you with the next installation "Becky's Bowhunks"

(Damned neighbor children.)

You didn't think I could top my last bowhunk, the ever so eroticalicious Jon Lovitz, did you? Prepare to be topped...or bottomed...uh.

I have a thing for....






Rowan Atkinson





Yes. That's Mr. Bean.




How could you not find this man sexy when he starts with this face...





..And turns it into this testosterone filled, groin melting sneer? Oh yes Rowan, I'm warm for Black Adder 1, 2, 3, 4 and all the Christmas specials too.




This is the photo that got to me in my google image search. It has me all a tingle. You see, beards are sexy. Rowan Atkinson with a beard is downright orgasmic. Throw in that intense look in his eyes and my bits begin screeching "God Bless the Queen!"



Oh Rowan Atkinson, you "Bob" over pronouncing bowhunk! Why am I so inexplicably drawn? Oh that's right, it's because you were the only reason I was able to sit through that Scooby Doo movie without gouging out my own eyeballs.

Bob.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Vroom

Places my one year old thinks that hot wheels cars belong:

1. In the VCR.
2. Inside the hollow in our speaker.
3. Under the refrigerator.
4. In the toilet. (Along with two dominoes, a baseball and my 12 year old's sneaker. I'm not exaggerating.)
5. Through the cat door.

The kid likes cars. Too bad blogger doesn't like cars because it's not letting me post a photo. Balls.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Vaseline on my teeth.

I spent a very short time last night immersed in the girlhood fantasy of the beauty pageant. Miss Universe was broadcast last night.

Miss Puerto Rico won...as well she should. Her dress, which I absolutely loved, made her a bit warm and then she went woozy on stage. That sort of behavior qualifies you for more than the Miss Congeniality prize. I actually don't know why she won because Justin came to my senses and we turned the channel. All I know is that she is the one I picked as my favorite and now I feel narcissistically triumphant.

I also know that the young lady in question is going to have a difficult time removing the tape residue from her breasts. I'm not saying this to be belittling. If I had her breasts I'd tape them up to my neck too. Baby oil is good for tape residue.

(Perverts, I know what you are thinking!)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

How I drive my kids to the bottle.

"Mom? What's for dinner?"

"Food."

"Yah but Mom, whatcha fixin?"

"Dinner."

"Whatcha fixin' for dinner?"

"Food."

"What kind of FOOD?"

"The kind you eat."

"Mom! What kind of FOOOD is it!!"

"Hot food."

"WHAT KIND OF HOT FOOOD!!!???"

"The kind you eat."

"WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNNNNERRRRR????"

"Food."

"MOMMMMMMMMMM!"

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Secret...made for a woman

Last night I was feelin' lucky.

When I get to feelin' lucky sometimes I take cold hard cash down to the casino and win more cold hard cash. Last night I turned fifty dollars into two hundred and twenty dollars on a penny slot.

My lucky feelin' rubbed off on all around me. The cocktail waitresses were making good tips and the honky tonk house band didn't flub "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". The enviroment was electric and it wasn't just the neon.

When my ego could stand no more of this luck that I was permeating like BO, a woman behind me took a great big sniff.

She was just walking along the corridor when she smelled my essence, put three dollars into a dollar slot machine and gave it a pull. The spin that came up was a ten times pay symbol, a blue seven, then another ten times pay symbol. Three blue sevens in a row is a hundred dollar payout. When you do the math of 100 times 10 times 10 that means she won ten thousand dollars.

A cocktail waitress passed by just as she made her lucky spin. The woman didn't know what she'd won and so she asked the waitress. The waitress looked at the slot, her eyes got big and she explained it to the woman.

That poor lady almost fainted. A mass of casino cashiers ran over to confirm her win.

What was most precious about this was when the woman's husband came sauntering by. She squealed at him and explained her win. He dipped her and kissed her.

It was that point I left. I was way ahead so why not?

Justin went after me to partake in the lucky. Madame luck left the premises for him. She went with the 10K woman to buffet.

He should have tried sniffing the 10K slot.

Monday, July 17, 2006

It's all in the genes

Yes...I'm late.

No, I'm not THAT kind of late. Silly wabbits. I'm never going to be that kind of late again.

I'm two days late in revealing July's Bestest Housewifely Doodad! I'm late because it was my husband's birthday on doodad day. It will always be my husband's birthday on July's doodad day. Happy Birthday Justin!

Now onto the backstory...

When I was attending my Dad's family reunion a week back I was hugged by an Aunt I haven't seen in years. (Not seeing her in years really wasn't an accident. This woman has slippery traits.) Aunty Slippery proclaimed that I looked just like my mother! Why thankee Aunty, uh, I think!

I can see why she'd say we are similar. As I age I am looking more like her about the face. In fact the day of the reunion I went to pick up a new blouse to wear and when I came home my mom was wearing the blouse I almost bought. I'm coming closer to the day when I become my mother in habits as well.

My mom LOVES to vacuum. She's got an ongoing unrequited romance with an canister style Electrolux. (That sounds kinda dirty...) We could take away my mom's vacuum and I suspect she'd get the DTs. As kids we'd sneak to the socket and unplug her vacuum while she was having her fix just to make her testy. Ah good times...

It's in this familial vacuuming spirit that I offer the Bestest Housewifely Doodad. Its....

The cord retracting device on my new Kenmore upright vacuum cleaner!

My old upright is dying a slow sad death. It's terrible form for a housewife to allow more than an inch layer of graham cracker crumbs on the carpet so I had to replace the thing. This bagless Kenmore was recently on sale at both Sears and Kmart for $99 smackeroonies.

It works as expected. It sucks up cat hair and crumbs efficiently. The BEST part is the retractable cord. My kids think it's all high tech because you can step on the yellow spring loaded button at the back of the vacuum and the power cord whips in violently! No more clumsily winding the cord around the machine or heaping it lazily around the handle. The cord has it's own little snail like home!

I recommend you only step on the yellow spring loaded button when you've actually turned off and unplugged the machine. Safety first. And...oh yeah...make sure your cat is out of the way.

My mom certainly approves of my new vacuuming choice. Her Electrolux also has a rectractable cord. Honestly I didn't pick the vacuum because of the cord much like I almost picked up a new blouse. At least I wasn't wearing the same blouse as Aunt Slippery. The cord was a delightful surprise.

Thank you retractable cord device on my new Kenmore upright vacuum cleaner, I like you, I really like you.

Friday, July 14, 2006

What I'd do for a shiny nickel

Meme-ology

(...which I stole from Blogarita and she got it from someone else.)

GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?

Bleu Cheese
What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
Burger King
What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
That depends entirely on what I'm in the mood for.
What size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
15 to 20% or more. A good waiter needs moolah.
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant?
Lo mein. I'm not a huge fan of chinese food.
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pepperoni, sausage and mushrooms
What do you like to put on your toast?
Country Crock margarine
What is your favorite type of gum?
Cinnamon flavored Trident

TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone?

I have no idea. All I know is that Bored Housewife's number is programmed in as "bored ho".
Number of contacts in your email address book?
No clue on this one either
What is your wallpaper on your computer?
Currently it's a photo Justin took before we met. It's a trick with light.
What is your screensaver on your computer?
The fish tanky one that came with XP
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer?
Why yes, there are...but none of them are of me.
How many land line phones do you have in your house?
We used to have two but now we have DSL and now we only have one.
How many televisions are in your house?
Four. Only one is hooked to cable. The one in the bedroom is only for watching DVDs. There is one in my son's room that's only for watching videos. My old black and white 13" that tuned channels like a radio is up in my attic.
What kitchen appliance do you use the least?
We received an electric egg poacher for a wedding present thirteen years ago. I've never used it. Wait, I gave that away.
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most?
Alternative or talk radio.
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries?
I only use the kind that are powered by gasoline.

BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute?

I get compliments on my legs and my hair. I like my hands and my neck.
Are you right handed or left handed?
Right
Do you like your smile?
Yes
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
I don't think so.
Would you like to?
Time to get the pokey mole I've had on my neck since birth removed.
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom?
Yes. It makes things go much more smoothly. There is good reading to be had on the back of shampoo bottles.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
Smell
When was the last time you had a cavity?
I've never had a cavity.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly?
My ego.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No.

MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

Good lord no.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
I wouldn't. I like my name.
How do you express your artistic side?
I draw, paint, sew, play with clay, play with food...what don't I do?
What color do you think you look best in?
Blue
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison?
For a long while...biotch.
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
Yes...but that's private.
If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at?
Um...gross.
How often do you go to church?
About as often as I have my prostate checked.
Have you ever saved someone’s life?
Not that I'm aware of.
Has someone ever saved yours?
No.

DARE-OLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
Yup. Hell, I'd skip down the street naked.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
Sure...unless there was halitosis involved. Oh screw it...kiss me stankmouth.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Um, no.
Would you never blog again for $50,000?
I'd blog on the sly.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Sure...can I skip during this too?
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Nope.
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
No...I probably couldn't. There are some I may be able to off for free though, under the right circumstances.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
Mmmmm...no.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
Why yes, I would.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Gimme Head

If you turn your eyes upward you can see that I've changed my header. There are new quotes on my little postits! And photos!

I'd like my header to be a fluid, everchanging thing. I'd like spout off profundity like no one's biznezz.

Unfortunately I'm a little deficient on profundity these days. Let's blame the hormones and the weather. Let's blame Dubya Bush for it too.

That's why I ask you, my dear readers and other hangers on, to supply me with profundity....or at least some funny quotes, sayings, limericks and photos. Then you can come back to my blog and leave a great big comment proclaiming "That's MINE!" and I will thank you profusely.

(Please no profanity or nudity. Not that I dislike profanity and nudity...because sometimes I like it quite a bit...just that I'd like to sneak in the profanity and nudity down the page and not have it be the first thing you see.)

Email's on my profile.

I love you all.

Really.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

They'll ride up with wear.

In 7th grade I befriended the strange new girl in school. We didn't keep contact, she only stayed one school year. Karri was far more brainy than any of my other contemporaries. She was interested in mythology, the genealogy of british royalty and the occult. For only knowing her a bare minimum of months she left me with a lasting legacy.

She introduced me to the absolute richness of British comedies. God love her.

I watched on a thirteen inch black and white TV in my bedroom. It tuned in the channels like a radio. I knew exactly which way to point the antenna.

Starting at 9 pm the local PBS station would air "Are You Being Served". How could you not be completely enchanted when Mrs. Slocombe mentions her pussy? The next two hours were spent doing homework and slurping up such Britcoms like:

'Allo 'Allo
Fawlty Towers (Flowry Twats?)
Good Neighbors
Black Adder
Red Dwarf (Smeghead)
Keeping Up Appearances



...and many others. I enjoyed what I was watching so much that I actually did feel guilty when I didn't call and give when PBS had a pledge drive.

BBC America and Netflix has allowed me to rediscover these shows. I don't have to feel PBS guilt nowadays. Damn 'em. I'm not supporting Nova!

Any discerning housewife should obtain and watch a DVD of "Butterflies". I've been absolutely gorging myself on it's witty dialogue these last two days. It's twenty years old but the lead character and her struggles as a bored housewife are as timely as ever. I want to dress like her. I love her skirts and caftans...there are no June Cleaver pearls in sight. I think I would look fabulous at the grocery store picking up tampons and dishwasher detergent.

...and I am unanimous in that.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Sunshine on my shoulders...makes me regular.

So our trip to Colorado was cancelled. Justin's mom is fluish.

I have not gotten rocky mountain high. I guess I'll have to settle for heroin. Aren't the effects about the same?

(Note: I don't even know where to get any heroin, much less any other illegal drug type substance. I barely know where to buy wine in a box.)

We spent a couple days at my parent's. My baby pooped on their sidewalk in the backyard. Eating massive amounts of watermelon causes massive amounts of pooping. Eating massive amounts of Froot Loops before you eat massive amounts of watermelon causes the poo to be most colorful.


Did you think I'd show you a photo of the poo? My camera doesn't take photos that...uh...massive. My poor baby's posterior.

We also attended the family reunion for my Dad's side of the famdamily. It was potluck. We did not bring watermelon...or heroin...or even wine in a box. We brought roasted veggies which were delicious. Every other family member brought massive amounts of poo as well as some mayonnaise based salad.

We are quite full of it.

Friday, July 07, 2006

I'm leavin' on a jet plane...

The spirit of John Denver has possessed me!

So that explains the green pea soup and square dancing against my will.

We're heading to mountain high Colorado for a few days to visit my husband's mother. We'll be back soon. I promise.

Oh crap, it's happening again!

Wellllllll life on the farm is kinda laid back
Ain't much an old country boy like me can't hack
It's early to rise, early in the sack
Thank God I'm a country boy!!!!!!!!!!!!






Make it stop!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Musty and Electric

What a glorious storm blowing right now!

Justin's gone outside to save our neighbor's garbage cans. He's a noble sort.

The wind is blowing so hard that my fences are shaking. I see lightning but I can't hear the thunder yet. Raindrops are coming down in a slant. I've opened my sliding glass door to let in the air. It smells musty and electric.

When Justin and I were first married we spent a night running about naked in a thunderstorm. Justin was walking dead from both college finals and a medication he'd been taking for Desert Storm related headaches. (Justin is a Desert Storm vet.) I had just begun working a nowhere job again after maternity leave after having our first.

The storm came on just as strong as this one. The rain poured and the gutters were rushing. Justin and I stepped outside our basement apartment to look at the lightning while our baby slept. It wasn't long before our bodies needed to rush much like the water in the gutters. We shed our clothing right in smalltown Utah suburbia and ran naked into the street, splashing each other in mud puddles, dancing with the lightning strikes in the dark.

The young man that was dating our landlady's daughter came outside their apartment to see what we were doing. I attended highschool with him. He'd always thought I was so frigid. He got an eyeful of our mud covered bodies and asked if we were high. If we could have shot up that thunderstorm we would have.

When much of the storm had blown itself out and so had we, we went inside and showered together. We felt alive again. We felt alive for a long while after that.

Even though I won't run about naked in this storm it brings the feeling of alive. That's just fine by me.

I can hear the thunder now.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

...And I'll proudly stand UP!

Happy Independence Day!
(to those to whom it applies.)

Our little famdamily went to our little parade this morning. For all of the thirty entries in the parade they threw enough candy so that each kid came home with at least that many pounds worth. Gutter candy is preferred over middle of the street candy. Had we sat at the end of the parade route instead of the begginning we would probably have doubled that amount. So far the best salt water taffy has proven to be the brown ones with the little dark brown spots in the middle. Yes, I stole all of those kind from my kids. It's payback for episiotomies.

When the flag marched by my husband and I, and another couple that sat near us, were the only ones in our immediate area that stood and put hands to hearts. Has America gotten so bottom heavy that we can't get our of our folding chairs to give a salute? Sad sad.

After the parade we went to the park and put our ten dollars in a raffle for a trip to Disneyland. We did the normal small town yakkin'. I'm thinking seriously of putting up my own vendor tent next fourth. I think people need patriotic tiaras, fairy wings and socks. It will be fabulous.

Right this very moment I'm savoring an ever so patriotic blend of summer barbecue type eats. Steak, ribs, grilled veggies, pasta salad, grilled corn on the cob and watermelon which will remain ungrilled hopefully. We've been watching too much Food Network and it shows. Later we may end up back at the park so the local highschool football team can fry us up a mess of fajitas served with homemade lemonade.

I just want to stop here to tell you all that grilled mushrooms with cloves of garlic are so divine...

Kiss me...

No?

Wuss.


When night falls the town will put on what they've promised to be the largest fireworks display in our history. The Nevada side of Bendover turns fifteen years old today...that's fifteen years since our side has been incorporated. I'm expecting to see more than fifteen sparklies in the sky. Whats great is that we get a good view of the fireworks right from our front yard. We let the kids come out in their pajamas to see.

Going out in your pajamas anywhere you please is one of the blessings of freedom.

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