Thursday, February 15, 2007

...and I pick my nose.

It's time to come clean.

I have nasty habits! I have embarrassing quirks! I have shameful thoughts! I have done bad bad dirty naughty bad bad things!

I'm quite ready to some of them.

1. In sixth grade gym class I often made it a point to be to the locker room first so I could change into my gym clothes before the other girls. I didn't have a bra yet. One day my stomach was somewhat upset and I couldn't stop myself from delivering one of the most eye watering smells known to humankind while I was still alone in the room. The odor was so awful that it wasn't even recognizeable as a fart, as was evidenced when the other girls entered the room and mentioned that it smelled like diesel fuel. When the girls complained about the smell to the gym teacher, I kept my lips zipped.

2. Steven S, from my elementary school classes, I had a terrible crush on you! My older sister used to tease me about this relentlessly, giving you the nickname "Stinky Stalebreath". Even though I haven't seen hide nor hair of you since fifth grade, I admit to hoping (if you're married that is) that your wife isn't prettier than I am.

3. I buy and hide good chocolate candy in my bedroom, so the kids can't have any. Twinkies too.

4. Stumpy...if you're reading this...I've told the story of our first sexual experience to approximately ten zillion people. You just can't make up crap like that. (Fess up with the experience on my blog? Maybe, MOM might read this!) I hope I'm prettier than your wife too.

5. I had an erotic dream about Simon Cowell the night before last. He's a thoughtful and sensitive lover. It's made me quite giddy, though I don't even like American Idol.

6. I don't love Lucy. That show upsets me.

There it is. I feel light and frothy now.

Bestest Housewifely Doodad tomorrow...

1 comment:

  1. I too don't love lucy...she bugs the far reaches of dna in me...that guy from American Idol seems like a dick without balls...but I've not seen the show so I will only go on neighborhood gossip he's a twat...but then I once slept with Diane Sawyer in a dream and ot was the current Diane Sawyer not the young good looking one...on reunion shows.


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