Monday, February 26, 2007

Taupe of the mornin'

So, the Blahscars were presented last night.

This year the men looked better than the women. I'd review tuxedoes for you, but a tuxedo is a tuxedo is a tuxedo. Let's just get on with the gender that should have been dressing to the nines...

It's my pretense and my pleasure to bestow upon Hollywood the Absent Minded Oscars Best Dressed and Worst Dressed awards. (Even if they were all mediocre.)

It was a tough call this year. It seemed that colors belonging in an old man's sock drawer ran rampant. Taupe, and more taupe, and grey and more grey, brown and more brown, some flat whites, some flat blacks. Blah.

Those that went bright went so screamingly bright that any viewer could claim new superhuman powers from the nuclear fallout.

And the Grecian look? It's gotta go. Tailoring is a good thing. That is unless the tailored gown is strapless and you need another good inch higher up on your bust. "I'm going to fall out" decolletage is embarrassing for us all, alrighty Rachel Weisz? (Who otherwise had a lovely gown.) The serial ill fit at the Oscars this year was criminal.

Giving the best dressed award wasn't a difficult choice however. Our best dressed didn't especially stand out, but she looked good and she glowed. The award goes to....

..Our Best Actress Helen Mirren.

I know, I know, taupe. This is the one actress it looked good on instead of making her look like zombie-ish. The proportions of her gown fit perfectly. It molded her tatas into a form I'd downright kill for. The woman is 61 and I want her boobs!

The best part of this gown, with all it's similarly toned beading about the bodice, was the large blood red brooch at her lower back. It's a sexy surprise in view of the whole.

Helen's hair was lovely.

Onto the worst dressed, which was a more difficult task because there were just so many to choose from. Even though the bottom half of Penelope Cruz's gown look like it was made from the skins of a herd of taupe muppets, and Eva Green was a gothy taupe vision, the worst dressed award goes to...

...Kirsten Dunst!

Oh Kirsten, you have such a lovely shape. Why did you put it under this glorified feed sack?

This is one dress that should have gone strapless. A little structure about the bustline could have cured many of this gown's ills, including the feathers at the bottom looking like so many tufts of dead grass. The wide babydoll collar completely kills any glamour the gown tried to portray.

We also could have forgiven the ashy grey color if there wasn't just so much of it covering her body. It washes out her hair and would her face too if it wasn't for the lipstick.

So there we have it. The Absent Minded best and worst at the Blahscars. I'm hoping for better next year.

Go Scorcese.

4 comments:

  1. dang.... that's a lot of taupe.

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  2. I didn't view the festivities, but you're right, Helen Mirren is lovely in that dress.

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  3. Viewing Kirsten in that dress was just nasty. First words out of my mouth: where's Hazmat when you need 'em???

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  4. I didn't watch the awards show but Helen Mirren looks pretty hot...nice to see the young one's put to shame now and again.

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