Monday, March 12, 2007

It's just extra protein...

I was reminded of a story from my high school days this morning.

It's best you not ask me what reminded me of this story. As you read you'll probably realize that you don't want to know. Let that be a warning to you squeemish types, especially you male squeemish types, as this story has a lot to do with male organs. Non-human male organs, but male nonetheless, in squeem inducing positions.

Remember, I done warned you...

I believe I've written before that I was a very active member of The Future Farmers of America. Here, have a photo of yours truly in my blue corduroy jacket.

As a member in good standing, I was required to learn about all methods of agribusiness. This included the proper care and feeding of many different types of livestock. I learned about pigs. I learned about cows. I learned about goats. I learned about sheep...

For various reasons, it's important that many male livestock species have their balls...their testes...their gonads...their cajones...seperated from the rest of their bodies. Unless these males show that they have superior DNA to pass on, they all become eunuchs. On this particular occasion, for this FFA lesson, we were being shown how to castrate lambs.

There are many ways to perform this procedure. You can rubber band them, and eventually they fall off. You can crush them, and eventually they fall off. The impatient can use a sharp instrument, no waiting for them to fall off, instant gratification.

Or, if you are an animal science teacher with a sense of humor, you can show your students how to remove a lambs testicles using your teeth.

Do you remember that warning? Yeah, I meant can still turn back!

We were told that using one's teeth was one of the more quick and clean methods available to a person needing to castrate only a few sheep. You open up the sac with a knife but use the old chompers to bite through the seminal tubing. This both crushes the tubes, inhibiting dangerous bleeding, and severes the offending testicles.

Many of us students watched our teacher do this with interest. It was interesting not because we wanted to learn how to castrate sheep, but because our teacher actully put his mouth on a lamb's crotch. A few students turned an olive shade of green, which I believe was what truly motivated my teacher in giving that particular lesson. It sure puts a teenager off sex.

...and then a few students simply didn't pay attention at all, which was par for the course for them. Hell, my teacher could be doing what people think farmers really do with sheep that class period and these students wouldn't have noticed.

That's why none of us told one spacey young man that the teacher had thrown a freshly removed spare testicle at him and it had landed inside the collar of his coat.


I don't know if this young man ever discovered the testicle. It was an unspoken rule that we classmates didn't mention it to him directly. The testicle jokes flew around that classroom with such wit and subtlety, all the rest of that semester, that if he had been paying attention he might have said something.

I truly did enjoy my time in FFA and with that teacher. They don't make them like that guy anymore.

You can ask what they moral of this story is. It could be that you should pay attention to what's going on around you or you may end up with a gonad where you don't want one. Or it could be that high school is a cruel cruel joke.

If you've got a better all means...


  1. Now THAT is what I call a Monday morning story: Disgusting with a hint of humor.

    A better moral? No, no I think that first one will do.

  2. Ouch! Another reason to believe that food really comes from Safeway.

  3. Not to broadcast my suburban, head in the sandedness, but WTF? I'm so confused. What the guy do, stop the bleeding with his shirt? A spiderman bandaid???? Personally, the rubber band course of treatment sounded the least grotesque to me. Love the picture


    When you castrate your animals you use blood stop powder. It's made from the same stuff a styptic pencils, that men use while shaving. You cut in a place least likely to bleed and then poof poof, powdered and pretty.


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