Friday, March 02, 2007

Made of plastic, it's fantastic!

I've been saved from my toddler's morning clinginess by a "Blues Room" marathon on Nick Jr. It's been airing since 8 A. M. This show is nauseating and he loves it. Nobody says you have to give birth to children with sophisticated tastes.

The glass half full portion of this morning is that I haven't yet been elbowed in the boob because my toddler assumes I'm a jungle gym. He's laying on the floor in a hypnotic "doodle doodle doodle" daze.

The glass half empty is that the last two and a half hours have been a barrage of commercials for equally nauseating children's toys. I've risen above the constant high pitched babble of the commercials by dashing the innocence of toys with a little dirty mindedness. Some examples:

In the many incarnations of Barbie, this commercial boasts that Barbie has sprouted rainbow wings and has become a fairy. Barbie lives in Fairytopia! Aww...much too easy for the average dirty mind! Mattel knows this. This is why Barbie not only has morphed into a fairy, but Fairy Barbie now sings karaoke. That's right folks, it's Fairy-aoke. Barbie is a vinyl drag queen that never has to tuck it in.

We can't leave Barbie well enough alone with the wings, oh no, Barbie also has to sprout a fish tail and visit a little suburb of Fairytopia aptly named Mermaidia. Old Barb goes from flitting about to being a real wet end with a fishy aroma.

As if our fruity fairy fishy Barbie weren't enough, she's added on to her menagerie with a dog companion doll that really poops! Barbie no longer needs that butchy Midge best friend doll hanging about, oh no...all Barbie needs is a hot labrador retriever with a big grin and some lever action. Good doggy!

Barbie hasn't entirely monopolized the fashion doll market. Our fashion doll skank entry, the Bratz doll, has upped their image a bit by introducing Dr. Skankalotta Goodall...bratz of the jungle...the Bratz Adventure Girlz! She comes with a canteen, but lord knows whats in it and what she'll do...all alone...in the jungle...all alone...allllonnnneeee.

For the boys (because this is the only commercial directed toward little boys in this particular break), the pocket rocket! Ooops, no, the rocket fishing rod! Apparently, after pumping this fishing rod, it bursts forth rocket style and deposits a bobber in your favorite fishing hole, almost where you aimed it. Hidden deep inside the bobber is the lure, which is released upon hitting the water only seconds after pumping. That's ok dude, the rod comes with a free extra bobber, try again!

...and finally, Dora the Explorer extends an offer of "Let's play with our ponies!" with Dora's Pony Play Pack. Oh Dora...Don't you know what's under a pony's tail?

Tomorrow the kid watches soaps.

3 comments:

  1. Yeesh! I have given in the the eventuality that Barbie and her winged/finned friends seem to be.

    BUT!

    I draw the line at the freaky little tramp dolls. The girls are 100% aware that if it says Bratz on it anywhere, it's not gonna come through the front door.

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  2. OMGosh, how funny! Barbie is bad enough and doesn't at all thrill me in any of her get-ups but the BRATZ.....NoWAY! There are forbidden in the house at all. No exceptions, lol!

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  3. Isn't there enough poop in the life of a mom that we really don't need our kids toys to do it too!

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