Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I hide hundred dollar bills in my bra.

Last week I opened the door to a salesman.

No one knocks on my door during the day unless they are either missionaries or salesmen. Same difference. Depending on my state of dress I'll answer. My most recent salesman was lucky enough to see me in a full state of dress. I wasn't in sweats, or flannel pajamas. I was actually wearing proper foundation garments! Assured that my breasts were pointing perkily forward, I opened my door.

This particular salesman was offering me a free home security system. It's just what I'd sat on Santa's lap and asked him to put in my stocking last December. The company the salesman was representing was offering two free systems on every street in my tiny town. Since I was home during the day, I got to be a lucky recipient for my street! In return for this fantastic offer, I could display a sign in my yard, subscribe to a monthly monitoring service, and fess up to the names of my neighbors and to whether they rent or own their houses.

This salesman, who I admit had stunning eyes, pulled the "little woman" card. I wasn't in the least bit interested in more noisy crap in my house before this sales tactic, but after I was only concerned with him seeing how high I could raise my stunning eyebrows at him.. He told me that just last week there were two robberies the next block over, that I needed to protect myself and my belongings, being home during the day and all.

It's the same tactic the missionaries use when speaking of my salvation. They offer me free stuff too.

Couldn't the man see that my town was tiny? Didn't it occur to him that if I knew the names of all my neighbors in this very tiny town, and to whether they rented or owned, that I would also know if they had been victims of a robbery? Didn't he further know that three of my neighbors are cops?

What a putz...with incredibly sexy eyes.

I almost, almost, asked him if he knew which house just down the street, next to the house of a cop, was the residence of a man on the sexual offenders list. That guy, he might could use a free security system.

I informed the salesman that I absolutely didn't want a security system, shook his hand and sent him on his way. He asked for his brochure back.

If I don't want all of the free stuff, I get none of it.


  1. I'm thinking if he didn't leave the brochure then he only had one to begin with...ergo he was most likely casing your place for goodies he and his numbnut buddies would come back and relieve you of....I hope you mentioned the neighborhood cops to him. I wouldn't worry though most crooks tend to stay away from homes that have all day attendence in them...god you are prolly wondering why I know so much about this shit....I was NOWHERE near those other houses on the next street...I swear.

  2. I did think this Jerry. It was an awfully pretty brochure.

    I ruled it out because he went to the house with the cop car in front of it next.

    Not terribly bright.

  3. Liars with sexy eyes, so few of them in this world.

  4. I don't ever get salesmen knocking on my door. Probably has something to do with the security needed to get into this place. It even keeps Trick or Treaters away at Halloween. Some things go too far.

  5. I don't get many salesmen at the door anymore since we got our German Shepherd. He scares the crap out of everyone. I like it!!


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