Monday, April 09, 2007

Spray on mojo

I woke up this morning to my house smelling delightfully masculine.

Justin and I gave our son some studly AXE spray on girl lure for his thirteenth birthday. Not Axe...AXE...because it's just that potent. We were hoping to inspire some form of personal hygiene in the boy. It worked. He takes extended showers and then sprays AXE allllllllll over.

I didn't realize at the time that there is a whole lifestyle and set of guidelines to wearing AXE girly lure. I didn't realize that the use of AXE is a rated R venture instead of PG-13. I didn't realize that wearing AXE takes the teaching of my son of all things birds and bees to another level.

The chapters in the AXE Wearer's Handbook, "Coping With All The Ladies" :
Handling Multiples
How to turn a fivesome into a manageable threesome.
How to tell triplets apart.
How to watch women kiss in front of you.

Great Escapes
How to escape a friend's mom.
How to elude stalkers.
How to slip out without waking her up.
How to escape from handcuffs.

Self Defense
How to avoid women ripping your pants apart.
How to avoid chafing.
How to avoid a bad case of rugburn.

Mixed Bag
How to remove a hickey.
How to gain access to a janitor's closet without a key.
How not to ruin a brand new pool table.

Ack!

I'm a negligent parent! I've sent my child into the world unprepared and he is going to be tackled by hoards of wanton wimmins with huge....olfactory systems. I could be reported for this!

How do I prepare my itty baby boy for fratboy casual monkey style acrobat sexuality caused by musky AXE hypnosis in a can?

Things were simpler when your baby boys smelled like baby lotion. Women wanted to handle them just as much back then and you knew that he didn't care if women started kissing in front of him.

5 comments:

  1. Or you could just pimp him out.

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  2. 13 year old boys do really smell...my son was wearing that AXE stench once...he reeked. What he really needs is to open a bottle of that stuff in his room.....now there is good use for that stuff. That stuff is supposed to make you a chick magnant? Is there something wrong with the modern woman's sense of smell? Because that shit is so strong I think my son could attract women from across a couple of towns.

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  3. Things were a bit simpler in the Bryl Cream days when a little dab would do you. I don't know this AXE stuff. Maybe it only works on pre-pubescent females?

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  4. My hubby wears axe, some smell a lot better than others. When I take his shirts to the cleaners all the ladies working there get all excited because they get to sniff his shirts. GROSS!! I can't imagine what they have to sniff at home if they enjoy sniffing my husbands dirty shirts.

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  5. 13? Let the games begin ...

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