Tuesday, August 21, 2007

AOL keyword Stumpy

Out of my two years of writing this blog, I have hesitated in writing possibly the funniest story of my life. You see, even though it's incredibly personal, and I've relayed this story to thousands of people already, I've never put it out there in a fashion that could be googled.

This story won me a Snickers bar in an informal contest.

Get yourself a drink, sit down, relax, and prepare to be told the completely true (I ain't kidding, TRUE.) story of:

HOW THE ABSENT MINDED HOUSEWIFE LOST HER VIRGINITY

It was the summer before my senior year of highschool. That made me awfully close to being 18 years old. Oh I was so young...and flatchested...and stupid...oh stupid.

My best friend and I took off in her rusty yellow Pinto to a neighboring town to drive endlessly up and down their main street. I honestly don't know what the point of this activity was even while I was in the middle of it. Carbon monoxide makes people act funny. The Pinto was especially fumey and so we pulled over at a convenience store to let it cool down. That's where I met Derwood (name changed to protect anyone else using his real name). Derwood had just gotten home from serving in the Navy. Derwood had a tattoo.

I found Derwood to be witty. We had shared acquaintances. When he asked me out I agreed to go. At the end of the night, Derwood and his buddy followed me and my friend home to make sure her Pinto didn't explode on the way. This chivalry made me quiver.

When Derwood called to make date arrangements, telling me that he would be picking me up on his motorcycle, I almost had to cancel the date. There was no way in hell that my parents would have allowed him to take me away on a bike. I told him I'd be happy to take us wherever he planned in my car. Oh that car...a '78 Mustang II...I loved driving that wimp of a car. Gas was a dollar a gallon then.

Friday came, I drove to his house, and he was nowhere to be found. I. Was. Pissed. His brother was the only one home, stoned, and he tried his best to explain to me that Derwood wasn't there. He kept repeating something about a motorcycle. I left him babbling.

I don't remember which other family member of his called me later informing me that Derwood missed our date because he had wrecked on his bike. He suffered several broken ribs and shattered one of his legs. Yes, he was wearing his helmet. Over the next week and a half I visited Derwood at the hospital. He had surgery on his leg. I kept him company while the painkillers kept him feeling good. They would not let me watch while he used the portable urinal.

When Derwood was released he was packaged up all perty in a full chest and leg cast.

This is when my parents thought it would be a good idea to go on a weekend vacation and leave me and my 16 year old little sister home to fend for ourselves. She fended. I brought Derwood over. He barely fit into my wimpy car wrapped in all that plaster.

We hung out watching movies most of the evening. It got late, and he was tired and in pain. After giving him a pain pill I told him he could just sleep there. No use trying to finagle plaster-man back into my car. We moved to my bed and snoozed off.

You know what the neato thing about pain pills is? Sometimes they work! Derwood's pain? Gone. Derwood's libido? Fully present. Say hello to my little friend.

Just so you have the proper picture in your head let me give you some specifications. I'm 5'10", around 100 lbs at the time, flatchested and fully mobile. He's 6 feet, around 230, encased in a leg and chest cast and wasn't going to move into any position that wasn't laying on his back.

...and I crawled on top of this...

....and that's when I discovered, before any real contact, that I had gotten a "rawther heavy period".

At that point all of his brain cells had moved south. He didn't really care what state my vagina was in. I tried to explain that I was a mess. Didn't matter.

At three in the morning, my brain cells also went AWOL, and I got my stupid on.

Did you know that a man that immobile cannot move? Really, he can't! That left me doing all the grunt work...for hours and into the dawn. He just couldn't get finished and I wasn't getting anywhere. I was so exhausted. At least I didn't find any of it painful.

God bless my little sister. She chose that moment to walk into my room. The act finally came to an end when she screeched, "What the HELL?!?", which completely killed the mood. She stomped off just about as angry as I'd ever seen her.

I hopped off the man, relieved, and leaving him covered in...well...nevermind. He about puked. I told him I was messy! I washed him off, got him up and stripped the bed.

While I was driving Derwood home I made mention that I was a virgin. His eyes got big. He questioned whether I was telling him the truth as no virgin knows how to go on top like I did. I think I said something about the concept not being that difficult to understand. He told me afterwards that if he had known he would have lit some candles or something. Dude, that's romance.

I dated Derwood until November and past my 18th birthday. I dumped him over the phone, on Thanksgiving day, because some trustworthy people had let me know that he was married and only living with his family because he was separated. Derwood hadn't bothered to tell me that little factoid. I felt so sordid.


I need chocolate now.

16 comments:

  1. You didn't get my reaction quite right. I actually told him to get his fat ass the hell out of my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was having a good day, first day of school and everything, and now you have gone off and ruined it ALL!! That was one of the worst moments of my life. Why did you have to be so slutty where I could see? You could have at least shut the door!

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  2. That's such a fun tale!

    You...left the door open? Tsk, tsk.

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  3. Well, yours was certainly different! Enjoy the chocolate and quiet house.

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  4. SO-DID YOU EVER SEE HIM AGAIN EVER

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  5. I saw him once after that. I ran into him at a local college after I had married and was obviously expecting my first. He asked if I was happy. I said I was. He gave me a hug.

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  6. OMG - followed you here from RSM's comments. That was classic. Now I'm going to lock my kids up!

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  7. well holy hell's bells you did have sumpin'--wish my loss of virginity story was half that interesting...body casts & periods...I just have drunkeness & squirl'n under a pile of coats.

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  8. HAhahahahahahaaaa! I don't know which is worse... your "how I lost mah cherry" tale or my own. You will never know either, 'cause I ain't tellin'!

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  9. Holy crap...Derwood, indeed.

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  10. I have read this post 3 times now .... and I still can't stop laughing!
    The visual of the whole scene is just too priceless!

    You win, hands down .... you win!

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  11. Newbie reader, here! This post made me laugh so hard! Brings back memories of my first time... he had two torn tendons (one in one leg and the other in the other ankle)... Good times on his Mom's couch... ha ha ha, or not!

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  12. You have given me the best laughs I've had in weeks! Thank you, thank you, thank you! My life now has new meaning. :P

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