Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I will not allow him to tattoo "mother" on his ass.

There is a time in children's lives when they learn that their parents are not the most impressive and infallible creatures on the planet...and that time happened for my two year old last night.

I have sinned, in his eyes, in my calling as mother. I put something completely inedible on his dinner plate. The fact that the rest of the family ate their turkey pot pies doesn't change the fact that his was completely inedible.

Even my dumb gay cat thought it was edible. In fact, he liked it quite a bit. He didn't barf it up on my carpet.

From this point forward it's my evil plan to be a parenting party pooper. I will not allow this child to eat chips and twinkies for dinner. I will not allow this child to gorge on all his Halloween candy in one sitting. I will not allow this child to burp the alphabet at restaurants. I will not allow this child to feel up random girls in his bedroom with his door closed. (Yes, I know you read the hypocritical post I made last week...shup!)

He is going to hate parts of me from this day onward...and that is just fine and dandy by me. I brought him into this world and I will take him out.

If he burps the alphabet in a restaurant past the age of 30, I have failed.


  1. What was it that you put on his plate?


  2. Maybe if you took his turkey pot pie and ran it through your blender it would be more like his comfort food he is used to. That doesn't sound good to me but it's been a loooong time since I ate baby food. As to tattoo's I don't think you will have to worry about them for at least 3 or 4 years. When he gets into school he will probably learn about them & parhaps want one. I guess "Mother" would be better than what I've seen on some of my Navy son's friends! Especially on a 5 year old.

  3. you will be impressed by said child...before you are disappointed...its just in the fucking stars...don't ask me how I know...I just do.

  4. Yeah, my 2 year old has lost his illusions about me as well.
    I KNOW the "I don't like you anymore!" is close to flying from his lips .... and strangely, that is music to my ears!
    It means I'm doing my job as a PARENT.

  5. I was a sucky parent in the eyes of my first from eight months on... so by my calculation I have been a losermom for almost exactly five years now. Whee!

  6. That's funny.

    The 'I hate you phase' is just one of many that will come. Having a 21 and 13 year old I know all the pains of parenting and yet have somehow survived.

    My mom used to just keep slapping the same meal I passed up on back on the table night after night until I ate it. I was so glad we didn't use cloth napkins because my secret would have been revealed.


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