Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Five Stars

I received a visit last week from a person, whom I assume was of the male persuasion, wondering where he could go to rate his wife.

I'll give her a B+. She has a good beat and I can dance to it.

I hadn't thought of providing a wife rating service before. The glass half full part of me wants to determine "How completely and totally wonderful is my wife?" and the glass half empty part leans toward "How big of a skanky hag did I end up marrying?" The part of me that has no glass at all says, "Screw society, I'm going to go live alone in a cave and eat twigs and talk back to my own farts."

This is not to ignore the idea that this alleged man wanted to rate his wife physically. I'm sure he did. She probably is a lovely woman with a great personality. Who wouldn't want to stroke their ego be complimented for bagging that fine piece of ACE the good fortune of falling in love with such a beauty?

Perhaps he wants to rate his wife's bowstaff skillz?

I think the two highest scoring factors in rating one's wife is that she is:

A) Female.
B) Not made out of plastic.

All the rest is subjective. There is even some give and take when it comes to that plastic thing.

Four out of five dentists recommended me to my husband.


  1. ... and all I could think, is that eating twigs will give you LOTS of gas. Shall we call you Chatty Cathy?

  2. there is a most likely another unwanted reality show within the lines of your post
    Becky...let's just hope it dies right here.

  3. My husband said this post made no sense to him. I admit that today I got a migraine right in the middle of writing it. It's not exactly what I was going for. Twigs and backtalking farts...well...uh...

    I was also thinking of the standard of having a female wife is debateable too.

  4. Dave the Widower9/20/2007 8:25 AM


    Thanks for making me laugh this morning. I am a long time reader/lurker who should comment more often but for whatever reasons somehow don't. I vow to do so more often. You are great and I never start my day at my wonderful tech job without first going to see what the Absent Minded Housewife has to say.

    Dave the Widower

  5. I have noticed that Dave! Welcome welcome!

  6. Yes, this one seems a bit discomboobulated (two "o"s? I think I like it that way.) but it is a fun read. That is sure what I've come to enjoy from reading your posts - that they are fun to read. That oddball dentist must be a real stick-in-the-mud.

  7. Dang girl, you done changed this site around and everything...looks good!

    So, how about factoring in whether or not she's vinyl?

  8. A man who wants to rate his wife on the internet is a pig, even if he wants to rate her well. If he wants to do something for her, take out the garbage, load the dishwasher, watch the kids and bring her daisies.


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