Monday, December 31, 2007

Everybody finds a way to shine

I'm a day early (I usually do this post on Jan 1), but what the hell, I'm back from the Utopia that is visiting my family in Utah County and I want to get my quote on.

Here is a glimpse into the mentality of the folks that have made me the upstanding housewife I am today.

"Thanks for the pot. It'll be fun!"
- My little sister's mother in law, upon receiving pot for Christmas from my parents. Oops, did I forget to type the "a" before I typed "pot"? She got A pot. She won't piss in it I'm sure.

"My church pants are my favorite pair of pants to go to sleep in."
- My first grade attending nephew C.J. who knows the meaning of life.

"Where I come from we shit in a ditch!"
- My brother in law Brian, explaining why he was a whiz playing Pictionary but admits to being such a dork doing most everything else. He got across the clue of 'rubber ducky' by first drawing a rubber.

"We named our band 'Nature's Fuckups'."
- Lisa, my older sister, who whispered the name of her band in the Rock Band video game she got this Christmas in my ear, so my 8 year old son wouldn't hear it and repeat it in front of Grandpa thinking he was ever so witty.

"Stop putting your hammer in the pie!"
-My sister Jill, upon finding her 3 year old was sneaking bites of underspiced pumpkin pie, using his plastic toy hammer as a fork.

"I know who made it by the smell."
- Another gem from Jill, said innocently upon receiving the gift of an anonymous tub of soup on her porch.

"Don't use that to kill me!"
- My 8 year old son, watching his older brother unwrap a myriad of old junk tools and machines, including a de-chained chain saw. These hunks of junk were given to my almost 14 year old son by my parents so he could practice using his new tool set taking apart things we don't use everyday instead of the things we do use everyday.

"And here comes in this wee drunk Gary Coleman!"
- Lisa again, noting her experience bowling at the same time as Gary Coleman's bowling team. She resists the urge to ask him to say 'What'choo talkin' about Willis!' but has not resisted taking photos of him on her camera-phone.

"What size ball does Gary Coleman bowl with?"
- Corey, my husband's sister, upon hearing that my sister bowls with celebrities and that my sister probably has a chest bigger than Gary Coleman. I did not inherit whatever it is that made Lisa's boobs that huge.

...and now I'm fully prepared for folks who are Google image searching for Gary Coleman to land upon this site because an image of my tubal ligation photo pops up instead. While both Gary and my uterus are cute, I think my uterus comes in a far second.

Quotes 2 and Quotes 1 for you New Years Eve revelers.


  1. Next year I'm spending Christmas with your family.

  2. Speaking as someone who, as a kid, disassembled more than his fair share of useful devices (only to discover that re-assembling is much harder), I applaud you parents' forethought and ingenuity!

    Encouraging the instinct to disassemble is a good thing. When I interview prospective co-ops for engineering positions, I always like to ask why they're studying engineering. The most promising candidates almost always tell stories about the stuff they used to love to take apart when they were kids. :)

  3. all excellent quotes...but the Gary Coleman Rocks because everything is better with a hasbeen in the works.

  4. It does sound like your family has a lot of fun together. Let me take a wild guess as to where Utah County is- near SLC?

    Welcome back to your own corner of the world (desert?)

  5. The scary thing is that very well could have been my Christmas story if it were spent with my family!

  6. A hammer to eat pie ? I had a husband once who repaired truck engines with a claw hammer. His truck, mind you, NOT mine.

  7. Sounds like we all had a bit too much vodka, right miss dizzy???


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