Monday, December 03, 2007

Ode to a Menstrual Cramp

Once upon a midmonth dreary, while I p-m-s-ed, tiffed and teary,
Over many a red and swollen volume of infected pore,
While I prodded, pimple zapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my bathroom door.
"'Tis the children," I muttered, "tapping at my bathroom door-
Only this, and nothing more."

Back into the bedroom moody, all my soul within me broody,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"The hell?" said I, "I'm gonna kill whoever's making that racket!;
Come on out, whoever you are, and this mystery explore
-Dammit, come on out and this mystery explore;
-'But the kids were quiet and nothing more.'

Closed here I slammed the door, and flinging open my undies drawer,
Out popped a belted kotex, of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least of a warning made it; not a minute stopped or stayed it;
But with tact of boor or brutus, fell down to my chamber floor.
Lounged upon a patch of carpet, just upon my chamber floor,
Lounged, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this cottony wad a-beaming my sad fancy into screaming,
By the sterile and april fresh-ness of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy purpose be clean and monthly," I said, "aren't ya a bit early?,
Fluffy, white, and ancient kotex, wandering from my undies drawer.
Tell me what the hell you're doing on my beige carpeted floor?"
Quoth the kotex, "Cramps make ya sore!."

"Kotex!" said I, "thing of evil!--kotex still, if pad or devil!
Whether nature sent, or whether hormones tossed thee here afloor,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this beige carpet not flaunted--
In this home that midol haunted--tell me truly, I implore:
Can't I--can't I put this off until next week?--tell me--tell me I implore!"
Quoth the kotex, "Cramps make ya sore."

Thus I sat engaged in cussing, but no syllable expressing
To the pad, whose fiery aches now burned into my pelvic core;
This and more I sat complaining, my gut squeezing, menstruating
Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Five days and this will be o'er;
on the weekend this will be over, as it's always done before."
Dammit all to hell, cramps make ya sore!


  1. Cute poem but none of that is familiar to me. Maybe being older (and perhaps being male) isn't a bad thing. At least once a month.

  2. I'm oddly, eerily excited that we cramp at the same time.

  3. I saw the title and didnt even want to think about reading this blog!


  4. oh, i laughed so hard. for the solid week before my period, i cramp, and am nasty tempered and my face breaks out. thank you for giving me something to laugh about.

  5. OK - That is an absolute laugh riot!! And you are one damn fine writer. Between the meter and the rhyme scheme, that a tough poem to knock off. Very, very well done. This is JB from MySpace.

  6. ohmygood hahaha dying of laughter over here!

    Menstrual Cramp Remedies


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