Monday, February 25, 2008

No Glam for Young Women

Anyone watch TV last night? They had on some show where celebrities attended some inane charity function. Save the hairless burrowing mole or the inland brine shrimp or something. I think they hosted a grand opening for a new grocery store too.

Oh wait, those were the Oscars! Silly me...I couldn't tell by the way any one of them was dressed. They threw a gold statue at the costume designers for "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" and that's when I had it figured out.

Mmmmmm costume movies....

On the whole, everyone looked nice and presentable and mostly wrinkle free. Very few had any Hollywood glamor. The event was wow deficient.

These buy one get one free sale choices in fashion on Oscar's 80th year makes my annual post easy. It's my pretense and my pleasure to bestow upon Hollywood the Absent Minded Oscars Best Dressed and Worst Dressed awards.

As usual, I'm skipping the men...mostly. A tuxedo is a tuxedo is a tuxedo.

I suppose it's fitting that most every actress on the red carpet wore black this year given the doom and gloom theme to the best movie nominations. Plenty of dead folks in four of the five movies and therefore a wake was called for. Hilary Swank looked boudoir beautiful in her black. Penelope Cruz only skinned one Muppet for this year's black dress rather than a herd for last year's. Save the Muppets.

Speaking of fitting, there were serious issues again this year with the hold-uppiness of the dozens upon dozens of strapless gowns presented. Laura Linney is the only actress to have figured out that half your boobs are not supposed to spill over the bustline of the dress much like a beer gut hanging over the waistline of a drooping pair of Wranglers. When your strapless fits properly you can both breathe and avoid removing toupee' tape on the boobies at the end of the night. Stop tape abuse.

If a dress wasn't black, it was red. All the black ones were gone and when you think about death, red is the next best color. Miley Ray Cyrus, Heidi Klum, and Katherine Heigl all turned up in splashy, well tailored, red gowns. Support your local Rainbow Coalition.

The only actress with wow factor this year, who looked truly amazing, and very much deserves the Best Dressed here at AMHW for two years in a row, is last year's Best Actress Helen Mirren!

This woman is so well put together that you do not have to pay extra for an extended warranty. She's not cutting a ribbon at a grocery store like the rest of 'em, oh no, she's kicking red carpet ass. She's stomping all over actresses half her age and twice her height.

The clavicles on Helen...sigh...

The worst dressed was just as easy to spot as the best. I was split evenly between two ladies, but alas even though Daniel Day-Lewis' wife was doing her best bordello madame impression:

(Where did either of them find those shoes?)

...Our worst dressed goes to a painting plastic sheeted, and Best Supporting Actress winner, Tilda Swinton.

I love Tilda Swinton, I do! She was born with lovely skin and that natural red hair, but dear dear dear, she's been swallowed up by a mutant radioactive bucket of tar. I know Tilda has a nice body...wherever it's hiding. I wonder if she's wearing any sort of undergarments because a person would constantly be picking that dress out of any nooks and crannies they possess. Heck, that dress gives the people standing next to you wedgies.

A little makeup would have probably done some good too.

If you haven't seen "No Country for Old Men" then go and see it right now. Make sure you pee before you sit to watch. You will not want to get up and theater managers get grumpy when you wet the seats.

Best Evil Bastard in a movie ever.


  1. There weren't as many ugly dresses this year as I remember seeing in years past.

    I love Jon Stewart.

  2. daniel day lewis was so much better looking in last of the mohicans.

  3. I have to agree with you for the most part. Helen Mirren is a classic and classic never dies. When you hit a certain age, you cover your arms ... she knows that. However, I'd have to throw Katherine Heigle up there: that woman looked gorgeous. No travesty for her this year!

    And you missed one glaringly obvious, "worst dressed" ... what the HELL was this one thinking?;_ylt=Ak7u2vPZez4.gKp5qsntHdd2VLcF?gid=91&pos=7

  4. Diablo Cody looked par for the course for me. Considering what I've seen her wear in other media, that's toned down!

  5. I didn't bother to watch that great (snicker/snicker) show but I understand why you really need to. I don't understand why some of these women, who really do tend to be quite beautiful, would dress in some of those outfits. Is it a challenge to be the most different?

  6. I was at work while this was on....

    Thank heavens...

    Tilda kinda looks scary to me.

  7. I'm not into the Oscars, but yes, Helen Mirren has class. And Laura Linney looks beautiful. Just goes to show that less (cleavage) is often more.

  8. I'm ashamed to say I had no idea who she was until she won that Oscar. So ... I went and read up on her. I'm no more impressed now than I was before. In fact, considerably less so, I'd say.

    She turned up her nose at Stuart Weitzman's shoes! NO ONE TURNS UP THEIR NOSE AT STUART WEITZMAN! Well, I don't think they should, but I'm a shoe fetishist.

    I don't much care what else she's done, but I think I heard that Ellen Page is going to star in the horror flick that Diablo Cody is writing, which people are saying will kill her career. I'm eager to see her (Page) in a new movie called, "Smart People" that I've seen advertised; it looks really interesting.


  9. Perhaps the Day-Lewises are ABOVE Hollywood style, she being sired by THEAHHTUHHH and he inducted by reverse penetration.


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