Friday, March 07, 2008

One word about your future...plastics.

I like to think that my teen-aged son and his little school friend were in their junior high level Theoretical Physics class when they decided to visit my blog yesterday. They, of course, were looking for more inspiration than Einstein and Stephen Hawking could provide combined with the bonus of way better hair. I can provide this in nano-spades.

In all reality they were probably at the back of the room in their
"Life Skills for...uh...ya know...Life" class, picking their noses and checking to see if the old bag did anything during the day instead of learning how to balance their hypothetical checkbooks.

As I now have new hormone enhanced readers, this is my opportunity to welcome them to grown up land. (I heard that snort...shup!) I would like to impart some wisdom on these naive youths and post it for all posterity.

1. Sure, girls smell nice...and they are curvy and stuff...but it's a ruse. They are after your souls. Girls snatch your souls crumb by crumb. By the time you are 40 you realize that you are an empty shell of a man and that you should have just stayed celibate. Girls trade your souls for designer handbags and the perfect shade of not-too-sticky but yet not-too-matte department store lipstick, and they use both to impress one another. You've been warned.

2. Beer isn't as awesome as you think it is. It makes you fart. Those farts smell like death. Drink beer out of a funnel and the odor of your beer farts hangs off you for at least a week no matter how much Brut cologne you use.

3. Whatever happens on the Playstation, or the Sega, or the's not real. At least, it's not as real as Tron or Atari was real. You kids just don't know what's cool. This is why studying history is important. Read a book once in a while.

4. You're asked to take out the trash simply because I don't want to do it. I admit it. True, I am teaching you family responsibility in the process, but there are so many other ways I could be doing that. Realize that starting at the bottom rung of the ladder is the best way to ascend to the top rung, which is dusting the family's collection of state thimbles in the curio cabinet. For now I really do want you to be the bestest garbage taker outer in the history of garbage taker outers.

5. Washing your hands after you use the bathroom keeps the bathroom doorknob from getting crusty. No one likes a crusty doorknob. It's just considerate for others to not build up a half inch layer of knob crust.

6. Emo is just today's brand of teen blah. Back when I was a munchkin it was goth, and back before that it was punk, and back before that it was the militant hippie, and back before that it was beatniks, and back before that it was those damned followers of Tommy Dorsey and all that sex sex sex on the dance floor. Things are different today, but it's all the same and that black trench coat has been worn for more than a century. As long as you approach your teen angst with honesty rather than as an affectation, I'm good. Puberty sucks, I know. I'm barely out of it.

There it is...wisdom. Take what I've given you and use it in the vein it was intended. If you have any questions you know where to find me later.

Have a nice day at school pumpkin.


  1. Please be sure to let us know if this works. Although I'll have to admit to not really understanding what you are trying to instill in them. And that number one- I'm not sure I totally agree with it but I guess it is a good wish for a parent toward their children. Girls really are neat but the kids have to be careful to not rush themselves into an (too) early marriage and parenthood. Just play the field and learn the opponent.

  2. Young readers are in the house?
    I have P's and Q's watching them isn't always easy but I...I will try.

    great post.

  3. You do know that the only one of these that make a damned it of difference to the kid is #1? The rest ... well, they're saying....."DUH".

    You knew that, right?


  4. Have you seen my boy's bathroom doorknob lately? No? I stand by everything I've said!

  5. invaluable tool.

    I'm printing this out and sharing it with my 13 year old son.

    You're so wise Becky!

  6. I can't wait til you think your kids AREN'T having sex.
    (snickers) They're all gonna laugh at you!

  7. I don't think I'll think my kids aren't having sex...I got at least one of 'em because guess what I was doing! I just wish I could take my children down to the clinic and get them a convenient shot like you can the girls. For now all I've got is to show them pictures of rampant genital warts on the internets.

    (As a teen my access to birth control was incredibly limited. It was a Utah thing.)

    I've been asked to write a Juno inspired post, but I haven't seen the movie yet.

  8. I loved Juno. What nay-sayers don't GET about this movie is that it's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ALL THAT FUNNY; it's poignant, moving, smart. I'll watch it again when it's out on video.

    Another REALLY good one: Mrs. Pettigrew Lives For A Day. Loved it. Amy Adams is turning into one of my favourite young actresses and Frances McDormand is awesome. Some winning performances there. Lots of chemistry everywhere!


Absent Minded Archives