Monday, May 05, 2008

Candida McPoopypants

Dubya has magically put money into my bank account. It's supposed to stimulate our constipated economy but I think it's only stimulated Nigerians to send me phish emails. I've received several notices from the Internral Revenue Service which have instructed me to bend over click on a hyperlink to access my economic stimulus refund.

A savvy internets user knows that you should never bend over click on hyperlinks in your email. That's how you end up with your savings wiped out, your credit cards maxed and your dog impregnated. If you are deemed worthy of economic Ex-Lax it will just magically show up for you too, without bending over any emailing involved.

However, if you're like me, you click on the email links and then giggle while you provide the Nigerians with all kinds of false information. It's the compulsive part of me that wants to fill out all their little blank boxes and I'm not allowing them to impregnate my dog without a fight.

Here is my new financial identity. Don't steal it.

Name: Chlamydia Fitzpooperson

Address: 666 High Colonic Circle, Nosepickersville, Utah 58008

Social Security Number: 8008-666-5537

Credit Card Number: 5537-8008-5537-8008

PIN Number: 8008

Financial Institution: Bumwart National Bank and Thrust

Mothers Maiden Name: McRectum

And so on and so on. I'm amused...I gots potty words. Those Nigerians had better appreciate the effort I put into this.

Mom, if you ever come upon this post, I'm sorry for renaming you "McRectum". You don't deserve that. The alliteration is just so hard to resist.

But then again, you went off and named me "Chlamydia". Do you know how difficult something like that is on my inner child's little psyche? Just ask my little sister, Gonnorhea, she'll tell you.


  1. i've been lurking at your page for a few weeks now and hadn't planned on leaving comments but seriously, this made me laugh out loud. i think i've come back about half a dozen times and reread it. you do good work mrs. poopypants.

  2. Just saw your comment on That One Guy's the city you call home.

  3. Funny. I'm sure your mom didn't put up a fight when her future husband asked her to take his name.

    Hell yes, I don't want to be mama McRectum one minute long.

  4. Becca, that's extra funny when you consider what my real family name is.

    My own maiden name is pretty damned awesome.

  5. you already got a check????
    Where's mine? I have bartenders depending on me.

  6. Dear Chlamydia,

    Get your dog fixed before those Nigerians arrive in Nosepickersville


  7. McRectum?

    It damn near McKilledum!!

    Thank you! Thank you! I'm here all week!


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