Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Bleached Whale

Hi, I'm Becky. I'm melanin deficient.

Or mostly I am. I have moles. I have freckles. I'm a brunette. The other ninety five percent of my outward visage is white. Very white. Mayonnaisey. I walk around in a pair of shorts and folks begin craving turkey cold cuts.

I know I offend many with how virginal my skin appears. I wish I didn't. I wish people would look at my legs (I have a 35" inseam) in all their glowy glory and regard them as highly as they regard Mother Theresa. Instead they throw on a pair sunglasses in disgust. On the upside, if they don't have any sunglasses at the ready, they forget about any mucus spewing aliens they might have seen. Memory erasing isn't a service anyone thinks to thank you for though.

Sunscreen is one of my bestest friends forever XOXOXO.

Mother Theresa may have earned her tan, but yesterday I bought mine in a tube. I'm feeling pressured by society to not be so natural. I blew dry my hair this morning, shaved my legs, applied deodorant and after I write this I'm going to slather my legs with stinky goo and hope beyond hope I don't turn orange.

Orange or bright white, either color could signal emergency help if you find yourself stranded on a deserted island. Orange might be better. You don't need to be craving turkey cold cuts in a situation like that.

6 comments:

  1. Yup... i have had total strangers drive by in cars and scream "getta TAN!" to me.

    Piffle, sez I.

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  2. If you were any whiter, you'd be clear.

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  3. I'm pale and proud. In fact, I'm so pale, I'm almost see-through. I'd probably do a tan-in-a-can myself, but I'm too lazy for that upkeep. So I've embraced Nicole Kidman and the other pasty princesses as my mentors to help me embrace my whiteness.

    If I weren't so white, I'd be a lobster. That seems to be my only other choice. Blisters on your chest and shoulders are NOT fun.

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  4. I'm the only person in my family who tans...INSTANTLY! I have only to step into the sun for a minute and I look like a Hulk Hogan stunt double.
    The rest of my Swedish family burns and then peels before getting a slight tan (think of a graham cracker.)

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  5. Go forward with thine pastiness! The tan in a can thing is ... odd. I hope you don't streak. If you get streaks, are those considered, "tan hi-lights"?

    I avoid the sun like the plague. I go to the beach and turn the umbrella like a sun dial all day. Ok, I don't ... I have my husband doing it. Hey! You there! Is that sun? IT'S TOUCHING MEEEEE!!!!!

    I own stock in Coppertone. Smell that cocoanutty goodness!

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