Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Bleached Whale

Hi, I'm Becky. I'm melanin deficient.

Or mostly I am. I have moles. I have freckles. I'm a brunette. The other ninety five percent of my outward visage is white. Very white. Mayonnaisey. I walk around in a pair of shorts and folks begin craving turkey cold cuts.

I know I offend many with how virginal my skin appears. I wish I didn't. I wish people would look at my legs (I have a 35" inseam) in all their glowy glory and regard them as highly as they regard Mother Theresa. Instead they throw on a pair sunglasses in disgust. On the upside, if they don't have any sunglasses at the ready, they forget about any mucus spewing aliens they might have seen. Memory erasing isn't a service anyone thinks to thank you for though.

Sunscreen is one of my bestest friends forever XOXOXO.

Mother Theresa may have earned her tan, but yesterday I bought mine in a tube. I'm feeling pressured by society to not be so natural. I blew dry my hair this morning, shaved my legs, applied deodorant and after I write this I'm going to slather my legs with stinky goo and hope beyond hope I don't turn orange.

Orange or bright white, either color could signal emergency help if you find yourself stranded on a deserted island. Orange might be better. You don't need to be craving turkey cold cuts in a situation like that.


  1. Yup... i have had total strangers drive by in cars and scream "getta TAN!" to me.

    Piffle, sez I.

  2. If you were any whiter, you'd be clear.

  3. I'm pale and proud. In fact, I'm so pale, I'm almost see-through. I'd probably do a tan-in-a-can myself, but I'm too lazy for that upkeep. So I've embraced Nicole Kidman and the other pasty princesses as my mentors to help me embrace my whiteness.

    If I weren't so white, I'd be a lobster. That seems to be my only other choice. Blisters on your chest and shoulders are NOT fun.

  4. I'm the only person in my family who tans...INSTANTLY! I have only to step into the sun for a minute and I look like a Hulk Hogan stunt double.
    The rest of my Swedish family burns and then peels before getting a slight tan (think of a graham cracker.)

  5. Go forward with thine pastiness! The tan in a can thing is ... odd. I hope you don't streak. If you get streaks, are those considered, "tan hi-lights"?

    I avoid the sun like the plague. I go to the beach and turn the umbrella like a sun dial all day. Ok, I don't ... I have my husband doing it. Hey! You there! Is that sun? IT'S TOUCHING MEEEEE!!!!!

    I own stock in Coppertone. Smell that cocoanutty goodness!


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