Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Emerging from my clam shell.

Just when I think I'm done grumbling about school being out and summer vacation beginning, I find yet another reason that is grumble worthy.

Tell me what you think of this:




Are you offended? Are you disgusted? Are you slightly bemused yet subtly aroused?

I'm wondering why I can't traipse around like this at the community pool. Why do I have to skillfully secret away this particular secondary sex trait? Men don't. Men are allowed to be as chimpanzee as they are capable of. We might point at the back hair and laugh, but still, it's acceptable.

I want to wear a proper swimsuit. At least at the community pool I want to swim while wearing a swimsuit. They don't let you get in the pool without one.

But...

I don't wanna shave it. I don't wanna wax it. I don't want to spread a stinking, burning depilatory on it. I want to avoid pain and itching and general discomfort around my sensitive girly bits. If that means swim-fro, so be it. I'm liberating my follicles!

Who made up these rules about femininity? Women, if you're hairy, you're nasty. Don't you dare leave one single hair growing in the wrong spot. If you do you'll be accused of all manner of terrible behavior unrelated to the growth of hair. Anything from sampling grapes at the grocery store right down to decades of tax evasion. Lordy, who knows what you're capable of if you've got pokeys.

I also want to know why I should buy the razors and shaving cream marketed to women? Do disposable razors made out of pink plastic do a more thorough job on the 'fro than the ones made out of blue plastic? If you give the razor the name of Roman goddess, will hair removal be transcendent and hair regrowth be miraculously slow? What is wrong with regular 88 cent a can shaving cream? It smells fine, works fine. Why do I have to assert my womanhood by buying shaving cream that costs two to three times as much and smells like cucumber/watermelon/chai-tea/peppermints? If I wanted to smell like a cucumber after my bath, I'd take an honest to God actual cucumber into my bath, alrighty?

I don't need an at home spa experience to make me feel womanly or pampered. I need to not have my chain yanked.

You readers and other hangers on of the male persuasion...Don't you go and tell me some nonsense about clean being sexy and/or preferable. I do not care what state you think about my sensitive girly bits should be in. You do not count. Nope, you don't! If I do not want to get rid of the swim-fro then you will tolerate that...nay, you will love it. Or else. It's hair. It's not going to bite you. Don't you look at me like that. Roar.

Sisters, unite with me. Join the movement. Sacrifice your razors to the cause! Let's wear short shorts and cry out, "My follicles are mad as hell and they won't take it anymore!" Revolution!



Ladies?




Sisters?




Fine.

I'll get rid of the swim-fro before I go to the pool.

But I'm not happy about it.

8 comments:

  1. I laughed. I wish I could have a 'fro.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes...I mean, I'm all about women's rights and all that other crap but come on! You gotta get rid of it...

    You'll be the talk of the town if you don't.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm grateful. I don't wanna look at yer bidness. And no men should be wearing a banana hammock.

    The back hair is rather nasty. A good "KELLY CLARKSON" waxing is in order.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have never shaved my girly bits and I won't and I don't care and I am not virgin anymore on a regular basis!

    Muahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  5. I say grow it long and braid it with those little beads.

    Good look right there. Run with it.

    On another note, I know you don't want to hear it from a guy...but...

    Nothing says sexy like seeing "Link" from Mod Squad or Napoleon Dynamite down there on a chick.

    That's sarcasm.

    Weed whack that thing.

    Not only does it look better, but you also sidestep a potentially fatal choking hazard for the guy.

    Thanks in advance.

    ReplyDelete
  6. When show up at the pool like that do u tell everyone "if u touch the fro u go-ta go!"

    Erf

    ReplyDelete
  7. Heh... I just wear one of those fat lady suits with a skirt. I HATE shaving/waxing/depleting. Y'all... it HURTS!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Moog, I want you to know that if you've been choking down hairs that you haven't been doing it proper. There are ways to shake the loose ones off. They are mysterious. When you are ready for this knowledge, the gods will bestow it upon you.

    ReplyDelete

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