Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I have good aim.

I get to pee in a cup today.

I suppose I could pee in a cup everyday if I wanted to. Let me revise. Today I get to pee in a cup and have a medical professional look at my urine through a microscope to determine which antibiotic they'll prescribe to me.

I hope I get huge ass horse pills. I want the kind of antibiotic that turns my already stinky pee into a more piquant scent. It would be a total plus if I peed blue too.

Years ago I went to the local doctor for neck pain after a Buick rear-ended me coming out of the elementary school parking lot. The regular doctor had taken a vacation and I was seen by a visiting physician. I allowed this man to examine my neck and shoulders thoroughly.

You wouldn't believe what our visiting doctor suggested to relieve my neck pain...

...A pap smear.


I understand that I am not a doctor. I did not go to medical school. I did not dice up cadavers or highlight medical texts with an endless supply of pink markers. I do not own scrubs with different patterns printed on them for every holiday. I went to a doctor because I was reasonably sure he was well read in all things diagnostic yet I'm still befuddled on how he come to the conclusion that whiplash and cervical cancers were related.


I politely declined his offer to inspect my vagina and cervix. My neck was feeling better anyway.

No...I didn't report the man in any official capacity. His offer was worded in such a way that there would have had to been at least 100 women reporting untoward offers of pap smears for there to be any action taken. I know, I know, I could have been the first of 100. I wish I remembered that doctor's name.

If I think of it, I'd be willing to share my horse pills with him, right up where the sun don't shine.


  1. On the other hand, if my ob/gyn offered a good neck popping, I'd probably take him up on it.

  2. My OB for the first three kiddos actually DID offer to pop my back for me. He did an amazingly good job.

  3. I think a carefully placed shot and some good old fashioned leeches is what that doctor needs. Lemme know if you need help.

  4. I don't know if he had ulterior motives or not...you have to admit his suggestion seemed to take your mind off your neck pain...in fact it even got better you said. Maybe he minored in psychology or....recreational gynecology like me.

  5. Awwhhhh, good luck, i hope its nothing serious. Now i feel bad for laughing at your previously blog which might have been a direct result of a medical condition.

    It sounds like you have a better aim than i do!

    Good luck, again.

  6. Erf, I got the UTI from both dehydration and holding my bladder...

    ...and from rough monkey acrobat sex.

  7. Hmm... You complain of neck pain, and he suggests a pap smear. Perhaps he was befuddled by the multiple anatomical definitions of the word cervical. :)


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