Monday, June 02, 2008

More fiber, less Doritoes.

It's Monday. It's summer vacation. My teacher husband is home. All three of my children are home. As usual, I'm home. We're all here...home.........home.............hommmmmmmeeeeeeeahhhh.

This means whatever schedule I usually have is off.

My days are simple during the school year. Observe:

- Wake up before I want to. I am not a morning person. Pee. Drive the kid to school in my pajamas.
- Brew coffee.
- Make the three year old cereal. Peel him a banana. Refuse his requests for candy, cookies and doritoes. Deal with ensuing tantrum.
- Turn on computer. Write witty blog post. Write witty blog comments. Drink coffee.
- Poop. Thank you coffee.
- Listen to Backyardigans. Feel dumb because I find myself bopping to the music.
- Housework.
- Kid takes nap. I check out my stretchmarks and grey hairs in the mirror before I shower.
- Kids come home from school. Refuse requests for candy, cookies and doritoes. Deal with ensuing tantrums.
- Husband comes home from school. Disable housewife mode, turn on sex kitten mode.

See? Simple. Regular.

On the upside, I now get to wake up when I want to. The downside is that I'm no longer regular. I'm as bound up as a rodeo bull and just as perky about it. The day long droning requests for Doritoes from three growing boys is so distracting. The coffee isn't even helping me along.

Constipation disables sex kitten mode.

Not to mention all the extra housework. My fourteen year old son has begun to shave. This means that by the time he's done swiping fuzz off his upper lip with a single blade razor that the bathroom and the hallway leading to the bathroom is splattered with water and lime scented shaving cream. I make him clean it. I make him repeat cleaning it until it's really clean and not his version of clean. I have to make them all clean up after themselves beyond their versions of clean.

Then the hot water is gone and I have to put off my shower until after Katie Couric muffles through the news.

I expect my lower colon to have it's own tantrum in about a month...and boy, won't they be sorry then...

Sex kitten mode my ass.


  1. Ah, those were the days. Mine just comes home for money, laundry privileges and food.

  2. Maybe you can lie a bit and tell them the Doritoes factory burned down in the fire at Universal Studios over the weekend. It might work a short time, until they see them still in the stores.

  3. Wait til you see how many people land on your site after searching for "constipated sex kitten."

    Not me, of course. You know, other people.

  4. Good luck with that "beyond their versions of clean." It doesnt work for me. I just give up chase the kids away and clean up after them.

    (who is somewhat of a clean freak)


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