Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Burlesque Baby

Do we all remember Kenny?

No, I guess we don't. To remind you, this is Kenny.

I found these school photos in a second hand sewing book which I bought for 75 cents. Someone's Grandma used them as a bookmark. The photos are unmarked, which is a shame, so I've named this scary ginger child Kenny. Much speculation ensued as to what happened to Kenny. I'm still leaning toward drag queen.

This isn't the only anonymous and somewhat scary photo I own. The next photo I'm giving you to speculate on is part of my collection of glass paperweights. I'm picky about my paperweights. Most you see in stores are huge, tacky and 75% off. People use them to weigh down the roofs of trailer homes. I like mine small, blobby in shape, and without little glass fishies floating in the middle.

Placate me and look at my favorite paperweights. Look at them dammit.

I know you scrolled through that. That's ok I guess. I won't make you be enthused. The pear is somewhat valuable...anyway...we'll get to the paperweight in question.

Like Kenny, this photo is unmarked. I've named our black and white beauty "Gertrude". Or Gertie. Have a better look.

After inspecting Gert closely for a good thirty seconds, I don't believe I can date the photo. I can assume two things about Gert though. She's a little old lady...or she's dead. Either way, someone died for sure and I got another paperweight at an antique shop estate sale. Woot!

Gert, ahhh Gert. Did you become a chaw spewing lumberjack like you've always dreamed? Did you invest in Aquanet and retire a millionaire in 1985? Was Jonestown all you hoped it would be? How many cats, Gert, how many?

Gimme your Gert stories. I've got a prize for the winnah....

(No, it's not a paperweight.)


  1. I thought u collected frogs? Arent any of the paper weights frogs? I only ask cuz i collect them.


  2. One of them is a frog...look again. I knew you'd scroll through it!

    But yes, I also collect frog figurines.

  3. I'm not entering this little contest unless you promise a millefiori paperweight as a prize.

    Glass paperweights rock. I'm partial to millefiori and the clear paperweights with swirls of color inside. And those Elsa Peretti hearts from Tiffany. And that one I bought myself on behalf of my husband (so he need not shop!) that somehow makes the continents and snowy North and South Poles out of glass and embeds them in a cobalt blue ocean-covered globe.

  4. *gasp*

    I know "Gertie"...she's my cousin! LOL She lived in Texas until she was a teenager then her family moved to Washington State. Now she resides in Colorado and and has two little girls (one of which is a newborn!). I'm tryin to find a picture, but wouldn't you know I can't find one!

    *goes off to continue the picture search....*

  5. Gertie was "Miss United States Post Office" in 1952. She was chosen from 1000's of entrants from across the U.S. and later went on to become a partner in a little start up that we all know now as Fedex. She retired at age 46 worth several tens of millions of dollars and now runs a llama rescue ranch in Santa Barbara with her husband Joel Worthington who was( wouldn't you know it, a travelling llama veterinarian before he met Gertie.)

    Dave the Widower

  6. Gertie be my mama.

    She and dad married before prohibition. Dad imported alcohol while mom just shipped it right back. When his grand scheme didn't work, my brothers took over. Mama couldn't fight them all (she gave birth to 4 strapping lads), so she gave up.

    However, what no one knew was that mama was sneakin' hooch off the top and was sellin' it for a profit to the church ladies. She made a tidy profit and pocketed it for, "incidentals". When her "incidental bank account" reached a high enough number, she walked out the front door and started modeling as a paper-weight model.

    Dad was flummoxed. And drunk! God Bless the American Dream.

  7. The boy you named Kenny is actually ... KERCHER, JOEY, KELLY and SHAWN ... Identical red-headed quadruplets born April 18, 1951. They began their acting careers at age seven. They have been seen in numerous soap operas, commercials and TV sitcoms. Now at age 56 they are all married and enjoying their huge family which includes four sets of triplets and six sets of identical twins.

  8. Gertie grew up in a small Georgia town, falling in love with her gym teacher and getting knocked up by him. She wanted to keep the baby, but he talked her into giving it up. She never recovered emotionally from that grevious loss and decided when under the influence that she would give "it" up- and often. She became a Madame for an overpriced brothel in the middle of Kansas where her highest paying customer is a man with 6 teeth named Timmy and her best money-maker is, believe it or not, a red-headed, 3-balled talent named Kenny. I cannot confirm nor deny that it is the same Kenny in your other photo, but Gertie might be able to if you catch her on one of her good days after bribing her with Angel Food Cake topped with mixed berries and a can of Natty Ice.

  9. The original, 5,939-foot-long Tacoma Narrows Bridge, popularly known as "Galloping Gertie," opened to traffic on July 1, 1940 after two years of construction, linking Tacoma and Gig Harbor. It collapsed just four months later during a 42-mile-per-hour wind storm on Nov. 7, 1940.

    The bridge earned the nickname "Galloping Gertie" from its rolling, undulating behavior. Motorists crossing the 2,800-foot center span sometimes felt as though they were traveling on a giant roller coaster, watching the cars ahead disappear completely for a few moments as if they had been dropped into the trough of a large wave.

    Were you talking about that Gertie?



Absent Minded Archives