Thursday, August 21, 2008


Now that my house is again quiet during the day, I've encouraged more silence by installing a DVD player in my toddler's room and buying him a copy of:

Dudley Moore narrates this adventure of a cat and a dog getting quite lost and then finding their way home again, after encountering and perservering through many obstacles and finding love on the way. (The cat with another cat...the dog with another dog. None of that perverted mixing of the species.) It's cute. It's heartwarming. It's on it's fifth cute and heartwarming showing this morning.

Personable animals making their way through the big world isn't a new movie theme. "Milo and Otis" happens to be my favorite and "Babe 2: Electric Boogaloo" my least favorite. These movies are fine family viewing.

However, if I were making a heartwarming animal film, it would go something like this.

"The Adventures of Guido and Clarence":

Guido and Clarence are happy pets living on a large free range chicken farm. The chickens are their friends and intermittent mother figures.

After being abducted and probed by aliens, they are released thousands of miles away to an isolated campground bathroom, where Scooter the Badger has set up his meth lab. Fearing for their lives and their already sore posteriors, Guido and Clarence stow away on the first RV that stops in this out of the way location.

Guido and Clarence soon learn that the little old man and the little old lady who owned the RV were really mean and nasty baby traffickers. After riding along for several hundred miles and vowing to help the babies escape, our heroes allow themselves to be sold to nearly blind boy band producers.

Guido and Clarence's singing stylings not withstanding, they shortly found themselves refusing to wear tight shiny pants or shaving off their chest hair. They were told there was no "I" in "team" and were kicked off the tour bus (which smelled like Drakkar) at a public park some two hundred miles from their home at 3 in the morning.

Take a guess at where this is going...heh.

Sensing opportunity in lieu of having a wide stance, Guido and Clarence stand at the entrance of the park restroom and implement a cover charge for "use" of the facilities. Over the course of two weeks and a labor day weekend they raise enough money to buy their own RV and to buy all the babies from those nasty traffickers.

Missing for several years, the maternal chickens were overjoyed at our hero's return back to the farm in their new RV, with TV, DVD, air conditioning and mini-bar. The babies thrived at the farm, growing up to become stock brokers.

The End.

Doesn't the inspiration of this story make you misty? I'm thinking Oscar here. I promise to not wear fur to the ceremony and I'll mention all you readers and other hangers on in my acceptance speech.


  1. I can't wait for "Guido and Clarence 2: The Chickens Strike Back."

    Rumor has it that Clarence and Guido are actually brother and sister, fathered by the evil Senator Larry Craig (a minor cameo in Part 1's bathroom scene sets the stage).

  2. hey--my cats name is Guido! think you might have been slipped a little angel dust in your morning doobie ;)

  3. Now that your house is again quiet you again have too much time on your hands :))

    Perhaps, they will be having a battery sale at Walmart this week!


  4. Most of the older RVers that I know love to have their grandkids visit but a big part of that charm is that they get to send them home. I can't imagine any of them taking on a rig full of babies! Ask your Dad if it would appeal to him. Bet he says "No!" But if you take away the babies, it is a nice looking RV.

  5. I'd like to pitch an idea ... Clarence and Guido vs Milo and Otis as rival tribal pets for the upcoming Survivor Gabon.
    Please add me to the credits.

  6. You had me until you told me the babies grew up to be stockbrokers.
    That is highly unlikely.

  7. I remember Milo and Otis, good stuff.

  8. Love it.. That's a far better story. You should write for Hollywood.


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