Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Just a little note to say...

Dear newly pubescent son of mine,

The following items, which I have placed in your bathroom in obvious locations, are to be used in a conscientious manner EVERY SINGLE DAY. Note the caps lock. The caps lock does indeed mean EVERY SINGLE DAY and not WHEN I SORTA FEEL LIKE IT or WHEN MY PARENTS NAG ME ABOUT IT. When you use these items, observe the directions written on the packaging. Any use not specified by the packaging is WRONG. WRONG not AWESOME, YOU CAN MAKE HUGE MOUNDS OF BUBBLES IN THE TOILET BOWL WITH THIS or AWESOME, YOU CAN DRAW ROCKET JET PACK SUPER AIRPLANES ON THE MIRROR WITH THIS.


Shampoo. To be used on your hair. On your head. All the hairs on your head and not just the ones on the top of your head. Use enough to make an adequate lather. Rinse thoroughly. Shampoo keeps your hair from smelling like musk oxen and looking like ramen noodle.


Soap. To be used on the rest of your body. Especially on your face, in and behind your ears, under your arms, down in your no-no areas, and on your feet. Use enough to make an adequate lather. Rinse thoroughly. Soap keeps your body from smelling like a turkish prison and looking like a county fair deep fryer.


Deodorant. To be used under your arms. Apply thoroughly as it actually has to make contact with your skin and not just your underarm hair. Replace the cap. Deodorant keeps your underarms and therefore you from smelling like garlic flavored pickled eggs.


A comb. To be used on your hair. On your head. All the hairs on your head and not just the ones on the top of your head. Take care to pull the comb through your hair in a manner which leaves you able to see. Styling products such as gel may also be used to hold your hair in place. Clean and combed hair keeps you looking like you are alive and in a conscious state instead of dead and zombie-ish.


Son, as you use these products they will be replaced as needed. Deodorant is not effective if there is less than an eighth of an inch in the container. Shampoo is not effective when watered down.

(Parts of original post removed here. Following portion added past original posting.)

Remember son, cleanliness is next to godliness. Please don't smite us with your lingering odor anymore.

Love,

Mother.

6 comments:

  1. ROFL... I sent this entry to some of my family members who I realized would appreciate it.

    And I'm still cracking up about your edit.

    BTW, I received my boobs today. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I did notice the box and wondered wth that was about before I guessed what it was. You rock!

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  2. Sigh... Yup, someday I will be having to direct my kids in like manner.

    Seems like the feet that smell like Doritos comes first...

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  3. Just a lurker. I don't really blog any more, but came to yours from Slick's (well, and because we have the same rockin' name!! DUH!!)

    Anyway..I have a 10 yr old son, and I am SO GLAD to see this post. THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE that someone else has this problem with their son.

    OMFG! AND!!! He doesn't change his clothes OR underwear daily. Oh, he might change the "drawers," but he puts back on the same shorts that were stinky from the underwear yesterday! SO freakin' frustrating!! A friend of mine reminded me that as soon as these boys discover GIRLS, things will all fall into place.

    Nice to meet you, Becky! :0)

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  4. Good for you for getting to him at 10. My folks waited until I was 13 or so. They have high BO tolerance I guess.

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  5. My son has discovered girls. He still wants to smell like a leftover potato salad.

    But...he's not allowed to date yet. I'm hoping, cross fingers, that he'll pay more attention to the layer of cheese about his body then. Girls don't want to make out with tubs of feta.

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