Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Slow your roll.

Justin, my husband with the Thor God like thighs, has become dissatisfied with the way his tummy has been ever expanding. He began a diet two weeks ago.

I'm all for diet. I've found that when I eat fiber, and I chew it thoroughly, my southern half gets all mellow. Fiber, it's like pot for your colon. I'm roasting turkeys, peeling carrots, and pooping with delight.

In my search for fiber I've added new foods which my kids think I'm poisoning them with. Last night it was brown rice, which they enthusiastically gagged down. Last week, and again tonight, it's lentils.

We ain't in the land of the McNugget no more Dorothy. DCFS does not consider legumes abuse.

My other requirement in Justin's diet is that I measure his body all over. I measure his neck, his chest, his waist and his butt. This has added an aspect of fun to our marriage that I had not anticipated. Next time I measure him I'm going to put some Barry White on the stereo then have him measure me in return.

After we disinfect the measuring tape we'll share a cigarette.

16 comments:

  1. I have tried to consciously add more fiber to my diet for my sake but more so for the sake of my husband and his digestive system. More recently, I have made the resolution to add more grain to my diet also. I just got a new cookbook and am actually kind of excited about spending some time in the kitchen for once in my life. It's kind of weird.

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  2. Hhhmm...diets suck.

    As far that measuring tape, thanks! I'm gonna see if I can "spice" up my marriage tonight!

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  3. Slick...you can have that release form now. Not for the naked floppy dance of joy, but for the marital measuring. Oh lordy, ain't you gonna need it.

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  4. Huh--I'd have thunk a man wouldn't let a measuring tape get any where NEAR his "body".

    Perhaps he is Thor like everywhere?!

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  5. There's nothing like a good meditative dump to set the world to rights.

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  6. Loved this post... must now go and find measuring tape!

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  7. Measuring tape is just the start. Pretty soon you'll be pinching each other with that BMI pincer, and before long, I foresee partner yoga. You kinky dieters!

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  8. You know you're going to get some crazy Googlers by having "measuring tape" so close to "pooping." Not to mention "colon" and "turkeys."

    Crazy world!

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  9. Lentil? Wasn't Barbra Streisand in that?

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  10. Blogarita, you've just ruined my Barry White moment with that...

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  11. Peeling carrots makes you poo?!

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  12. You obviously don't know the best way to peel a carrot.

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  13. Second-best thighs. It's sad, really.

    I hand my husband little fiber tabs every night after dinner. I call them his, "treat". He looks at me pathetically then says, "you're trying to kill me." I am NOT! I also shovel huge amounts of freshly chopped vegetables and salads into him ... yum .. I add all sorts of things to his salads and it takes a long time to eat dinner.

    The down side? We're contributing to global flatulence. We don't play puff the sheets. It's just one big tent in there.

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  14. Nah, don't share a cigarette, that's unhealthy. Share something like a glass or two or three of wine. The fun may all start again then. Or, you will both sleep like babies. I guess it is supposed to be red wine for the best heart medicine but any of it would do the other parts of the process fine.

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  15. ahdjfhg oh, I had my fingers on the wrong keys I was laughing so hard. Thanks.

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  16. Why would u disinfect the measuring tape when you can sell it on ebay and get enuf money to buy a new measuring tape or two and perhaps a bottle of wine. People will buy anything these days, huh.

    I can see the sales for the used measuring tape far exceding that stuffed beer bottle thing,,, whats the name of that again?

    Have fun measuring and watch out for the sharp edges if you are using a metal measuring tape.

    Erf

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