Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Why I'm glad I'm done changing diapers.

I have been having an educational and informative conversation with my two older children. The youngest of my rug apes, the three year old, probably would have enjoyed this conversation too had I not put him in his crib for incessant screaming.

The only one around here that is allowed to scream about having to drink milk in their sippy cup instead of Crystal Lite is me. I also get to scream because we're out of Honey Nut Cheerios.

My older children wanted to know about babies...and if babies peed and pooped while they were floating about the womb.

I try to answer my childrens questions honestly if they ask them. That's how I made my oldest son turn a limey shade of green when he asked what tampons were for when he was around seven or eight. It's how I ended up showing this same son when he was 13 years old educational photos of genital warts. It's how my middle son and I got to watching YouTubes on puppies and kittens being born when he asked me if the babies came out of animal's buttholes. I even used a pointer and proper terms...this is the dog's butthole and here is her vagina. What's a vagina? No, it's not a sequel to a butthole. Boys have penises and girls have vaginas which is what's needed to have babies. If girls had penises and vaginas, there wouldn't be any boys. If boys had penises and vaginas, boys would have places to put their keys all the time.

I told my children when they asked about excretion in the womb that the baby does pee but it usually doesn't poop. Isn't it nasty enough to float around in your own whizz? No baby wants to compound the problem with taking a dump. Babies try to hold it in.

This, of course, led to an in depth discussion about baby's first bowel movement...a sticky black unbabylike goo call meconium. Dare you to go google image search that. (Image search the warts too while you're at it.) My boys decided this was disgusting. I told them that meconium only lasts a couple days and then is replaced by the mustard like poop that is the end result of breastfeeding.

Pooping mustard is hilarious. It is. The thought of it compels one to roll around the floor completely redfaced. After the mustard pooping comes the ketchup pooping. Pooping relish should never happen. If you poop relish, especially sweet relish, you really should go see a doctor. Something is wrong with you.

Pooping chili...that's probably ok.


  1. ROFL... you crack me up! I especially like this gem: "If boys had penises and vaginas, boys would have places to put their keys all the time."

  2. My next post: Why AMHW's latest post has me laughing my head off and cringing by turns.

  3. I no longer want any food that requires condiments.

  4. Not even mayonnaise? You LOVE mayonnaise!


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