Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Burning Bush

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF USING THE MIRACLE THAT IS MENTHOLATUM, AS IT PERTAINS TO THE PEOPLE LIVING IN MY HOME.

1. After dipping your fingers in the jar and applying the miracle under thy nose and onto thy throat, thou shalt wash your hands. It is in this way you will not mistakenly apply the miracle to your eyes, your no-no parts or onto the cat.

2. The holy manufacturers of the miracle were not kidding when they warned you that the miracle was not meant for internal use. That means the jar too and not just the ointment.

3. Thou shalt not complain about the distinctive aroma of the miracle in front of the user of the miracle especially when that user has been rendered far less cranky by it's use.

4. Thou shalt not suggest that "smoking mentholated cigarettes has the same lung clearing effect as the miracle, so get thee down to the convenience store to buy a pack, wheezy."

5. Applying the miracle to the inside of someone else's underpants or jock strap or brassiere is displeasing to the lord and not nearly as funny as you think it is.

6. After applying a thick layer of the miracle to one's chest and throat, thou shalt not insist on giving topless bearhugs to those who do not require the use of the miracle.

7. Thou shall put the miracle to use in humidifiers designed for that purpose. Though shall not place smudges of the miracle on lightbulbs, in the microwave, or on any heating elements. Thou's house will explode in flames.

8. Thou shalt not remove the jar of mentholatum from the household so you can take it to the neighbor's house and use it on their dog...because their dog has a runny nose too.

9. Thou shalt not mistake the miracle for diaper cream, hemorrhoid ointments or margarine.

10. Thou shalt not use the last little bit of the miracle in the jar and then sneakily place the empty jar back into the medicine cabinet. Thou shall get your mentholated posterior out to the store to replace the jar.


That'll clear your sinuses...you idolaters.

3 comments:

  1. I've been all snotty for a couple days. Perhaps I should try something like that to help (the meds my doctor gave me and benadryl aren't much help).

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL, even though u are sick u are still funny.

    You can come here and give me a topless bearhug :P

    Get better and stop hogging the mentholatum.

    Erf

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hee!

    Not absolutely convinced on commandment five.

    ReplyDelete

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