Wednesday, September 24, 2008

He puts the lotion in the basket

Changing eating habits is sexy, don't you think? Cabbage is sexy. Lentils are sexy. Grams upon grams of fiber is downright pornographic.

My husband has lost 25* pounds in the last six weeks and 32 inches all about his body. He's got droopy pants and firmer jowels. He's still as hairy as he ever was. Fifteen more pounds to reach his goal.

My goal is just to remain regular.

...and only somewhat hairy.

Since beginning this "lifestyle change" we've found the BBC program You Are What You Eat to be informative and interesting. Host Gillian McKeith gathers up all the crap these people eat in a week and piles it on a table, showing her victims just how much delicious grease and sugar they are consuming. Then she looks at their poop for signs of ill health and gives them a colonic. After that, she makes them eat food that are other colors besides brown or white. At the end of the show these people dance about after losing stones of weight.

I've learned that a stone equals fourteen pounds. Sure, you English types are all for the metric system unless it's to describe how much ye merry olde selves weigh. Saying you weigh 20 stone is so much nicer sounding than blurting out 128 kilograms or 280 pounds.

My quest to remain regular definitely has no place for a colonic in it. Have you seen the size of that hose? And what do you call the person administering the colonic? Bowel health technician? Digestional plumber? Hose artist? Go on Gillian McKeith's diet and you lose a stone every time you poop anyway. Lentils, yup.

I'm very proud of my husband. He tells me he doesn't like lentils though.

I tell him to eat the lentils or he gets the hose.

*Justin just called. He weighed on the official school scale, the one they use to weigh all the wrestlers, and he's lost a total of 30 pounds...or 2 some odd stone for you Brits.


  1. Congrats to you and J on the weight loss. The tricky part is to keep it off.

    The title to your blog perk-up my interest but as i read on i thought to myself, OMG TMI

    How goes the remodelling?


  2. Yay Justin! I am grateful I don't have to use the restroom after either one of you.

  3. "..what do you call the person administering the colonic?"

    I call him "Inspector #12."

  4. Damn! 30 pounds?

    Freakin' awesome.

    I would absolutely HATE to see everything I've eaten piled up on a table.

    I eat too much and gain far too little.

    High metabolisms suck.

  5. I miss my high metabolism ! Nobody tells you that when you hit forty or so, it's bye-bye soda and french fries

  6. what station is the BBC show on. I used to catch it now and then, and enjoy it. Is it on the BBC channel? I'm not sure we get that anymore. Anyway, I often think about that show when I poo.

  7. I have DirectTV so it's on channel 264 for me...and it starts in about ten minutes. They play two episodes of that then they play two episodes of "How Clean is your House?" which also has feature people who need colonics.

  8. I just might come back to this post every day to giggle at this line: "I tell him to eat the lentils or he gets the hose."


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