Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It could be worse. It could have been Necco wafers.

Tonight is my first super duper official meeting with the rest of the big wigs on the block as a homeowner's association officer.

Vote AMHW 2020 y'all. I'll lower your taxes and raise your roofs, wootwoot!

I'm unsure what issues we are going to cover in this meeting. I have a list of possible topics which are sure to be discussed with the seriousness in which they are offered.

1. I wish to sell illegal substances and badly lit and edited homemade "movies" out of my abode. How much will that raise my homeowner's fees and insurance premiums? The economy is crap and I need to watch my cash flow carefully.

2. Is spraying my hose on the neighbor's children when they act stupid (which is a different, less quality type of stupid than my own children display) against HOA rules? My squirt finger is itchin'.

3. If I can't get my cat to poop in my neighbor's flowerbed, is there a better way to annoy her?

4. So it's a no on the 12 foot hot pink "marital aid" displayed on my roof for Valentine's Day? What if I got matching decorations for everyone? We could put them on motion sensors.

5. Let's put a lien on the abandoned property next door so I can buy it for 100ths of cents on the dollar. In addendum to the movie biz, brothels are legal in my county and I'm going to make it worth everyone's while. I do indeed own black leather boots.

6. Don't worry about the smoke coming from my house...the fire is my husband and I making sweet sweet love. Ignore the piglike grunting as well.

7. I move that we interrupt this meeting for a Hot Cheetos run.

8. And finally...if I have a big bowl of candy left over from Halloween, I'm applying to the HOA for a refund of the cost of said candy. I bought dum-dums and tootsie rolls and they don't go as fast as Twix bars you know.

My leadership abilities are excellent. I'm looking forward to serving my block in this capacity.

And I hope no one leaves a flaming bag of cat poo on my porch.


  1. No 5 sounds like a crowd pleaser.

    Also the marital aid ... & the piglike gruntings ... good call!

    Very very funny.

  2. I dunno, I think I would rather have a bag of flaming Necco wafers... but that may just be me.

    Or was that not what you meant?


  4. How does Alf lower the property values?

    Oh wait, you wrote "a lien" not "alien".

  5. You are one brave woman!!
    BTW, there is NO excuse for Necco wafers!

  6. Ok, I just sprayed gin and cranberry juice over my keyboard while reading about the marital aid one. Too funny...

  7. My MIL loves Necco wafers....

    I hate that bitch.

  8. lmao @ #5 "I'm going to make it worth everyone's while."

    Yeap, u got my vote :P


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