Monday, October 20, 2008

Line Jumping

Saturday, Justin and I jammed our children into our fabulous mini-van and took them on our once a year jaunt to the local amusement park. Local is a relative term as the park is 130 miles away in Utah. That's ok. We like spending time with our children in the mini-van.

The weather was lovely.

Which means the place was jam packed with people. There are two reasons for this. It was Saturday in Utah and not Sunday and tickets in October were fifteen bucks cheaper with a coupon than tickets in summer.

My three year old won some kind of lumpy stuffed velour pillow thing at a ball toss midway game. It's got a suction cup on it which I can't divine a purpose for other than to make it obvious that the prize did indeed suck. We paid twelve bucks for it.

After that we forced my three year old on a ride that was a favorite when I was a little pooper. It took my son an hour to ride the baby boats:

The ride only lasted mere seconds, moments of redundant boaty bell ringing bliss for the kiddies. What took so damned long is that every time parents loaded their kids into their seats the digital cameras popped out. Smile! Look over! McKennalotta! McKENNNNALOTTTTA! SMILE! The attendant was not allowed to start the ride until the parents got their family fun having butts back behind the fence.

This is why I will never, ever, ever, scrapbook. They sniff glue.

After negotiating our way out of kiddieland, Justin and I spent time people watching, counting foreheads while the older kids rode rides that spin fast. We'd never noticed it before but our good friends and neighbors in the state in which we were born have very large craniums. It's bordering on obscene.

We stopped counting when it became necessary to take off our shoes to keep up. I shouldn't make fun of people with big heads.

It was tiresome and a bit cultish being herded around the park so we left around 8 to get some real food in a real restaurant. Ironically we ended up at Applebee's. The restaurant we wanted to go to, next door, was holding a private function and our small heads warn't invited.

We were seated in a booth next to a couple on a date. The woman kept making complaints about her food. More mayo. More fry sauce. More fries. My toast is too toasted. Check, affirmative on the large forehead. Her large head did nothing to remind her that she was eating at an Applebee's.

Soon enough, my three year old announced to the entire restaurant that he had to poop, so I took him by the hand and led him to the restroom, potty seat in tow. I'm an experienced mother so I know that making use of the larger handicapped stall is important when two of you have to fit in there and the other stalls barely have room for a person's knees. That's where I met the woman in the next booth. She stood, waiting, and sighing, at my stall door, while my son did his business and yakked on about poo-poo this and pee-pee that. When I opened the door she didn't even wait for me or my son to exit the stall. She walked right in with us! The three of us stood there in the stall for a moment. Two of us were not as oblivious as the other one of us.

By the way, this is not why women go to the restroom in groups.

Looking at the date's male counterpart on the way back to our table, you could tell that the evening was not going well. He was sort of slumped over, his hands over his eyes, resting his head, and stifling sobs. He had a normal forehead.

I should have given him the lumpy suction cup pillow prize for effort. I think he'd probably earned it.


  1. This is why I will never, ever, ever, go to Applebee's.

  2. You should have just stood there with her. Maybe espoused the importance of knowing how the stall is YOURS until you entirely leave it. I would do that. Seriously, I would.

  3. Wow..."MormonLand" sounds like fun.

  4. Perhaps u can sell that lumpy stuffed velour pillow thing as a smaller set of boobs on your goingape site.

    When my son was working the rides at the amusement park down the street, he always complained about the parents not listening, especially when he told the parents their child was too small for the ride, could possibly fall off from an extreme height and die! The parents nevertheless wanted to get jr on that ride. Hopefully, the large craniums didnt try to pull that.

    That lady should have left the stall without u even having to say anything. She is weird,,,oh i forgot u were in Utah!


  5. Glue sniffing is precisely why I scrapbook.

    Nothing like those embarrassing Kodak moments living on in all their glued glory for decades to come... and for use at a later date when the kids need to be blackmailed.


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