Thursday, November 20, 2008

Happy Pants

I had two goals when travelling to Elko earlier this month.

The first was to renew my driver's license. That was successfully done after waiting for two hours in a hard plastic chair with my spastic, fresh out of the carseat from a two hour drive, three year old son.

When I was seeing the light at the end of the DMV tunnel a man walked in announcing he had driven the same two hour drive and demanded special treatment by way of butting to the front of the line. The dominatrix behind the DMV counter told him to take a number. He demanded again. The dominatrix reiterated that he should take a number. Sir Special-ness did not care for having to wait his turn, had a tantrum which the dominatrix ignored, and then announced that he was "fucking leaving!"

Noting that he did not drag a three year old along to a four hour DMV adventure, I barely held back from physically accosting him.

That's why the bottom half of my face on my new license looks like this:

My second goal in driving to Elko was to procure new jeans.

Seeing that I live out in the middle of nowhere, the two teeny places that sell pants in any form in my town only stock pairs that fit normal average folk and not a walking tree like me. My neighbors have stopped allowing me to walk freely around my town anyway since most of my jeans look like this:

It's not the hole that's offensive. It's the peek of stripey underwear.

Elko has more choice in the way of pants. At least I thought they did. I dug through mounds of jeans only to find two pair that would cover most of my leg parts and all of my bum parts. These I refused to buy because they had those damned kitten whiskers bleached at the groin. I'm 34 dammit.

I drove home pantless. (With a 20 piece bucket of chicken in the passenger seat and a sleeping three year old in the carseat.)

Crossing my fingers, I ordered jolly green giantess pants online. It used to be that jeans for women in tall sizes ended at a 34" inch too short for me...but I've found miracles in jeans manufacturing up to 37" for less than $30 a pair on the internets.

My jeans arrived Monday.

The first day of the rest of my warm ankled life arrived Monday. Blessed be, they fit. THEY FIT! ALL THREE PAIR FIT!!!

I have never in my full grown life worn a pair of jeans that fit so exactly RIGHT. Long enough, down to my heels without being too baggy and sliding down my hips. Can you tell what color of socks I'm wearing when I sit? NO YOU CAN'T!

This thrills me so that I may go find Sir Special-ness and accost him in a more affectionate way.

He won't see my stripey underpants so he shouldn't be all that offended.


  1. By all means accost Sir Special-ness with all my blessing. I too get upset those that think they are so special that they should be waited on first. Like the guys who park in the fire lanes at Tim Hortons (coffee shop) so that no one can drive by them. We all have to wait for them to get their coffee, get back in their car, and drive away,,, can u say "keyed!!!"

    Now that you have found pants that fit you can u find a shirt for me that actually stays tucket in when i raise my arms, lol. If someone has your legs and my torso they would be in sad sad shape. We might even allow them to be Special.

    Driving home pantless with chicken huh. Where did u stash the chicken ;) Thanks for the visual :P


  2. Where'd you order the jeans? I have a friend who's skinny with loooong legs, and I'll bet she'd like to check out the offerings.

  3. So uh, why you wanna thrill us with dreams of perfect fitting pants, and then not fork over the website where you got them?? That is just mean.

  4. I ordered from JC Penney.

    I also considered another brand, cruel girl, which run 50 to 70 a pair. They are western cut but contemporary, thicker denim than what I bought, and my BIL works in western wear and I could have asked him to get them at cost.

    I looked at Target, Lee Jeans, and Levis, but none were long enough without either ordering custom or them costing more than I wanted to pay.

  5. Why did you have to ruin the entire post by telling me you ordered from JC Penney?

    (sighs) It's the one place on the planet (ok, one of two) where I WILL NOT SHOP. Durn it!

    I'm glad you have pants. But I want to see the rest of your photo. If the bottom is that bad, I want to see how menacing your eyes look! Did you keep the three-year-old on your hip?

  6. That expression made me look weird and jowelly. I cut off my jowels but it looked odd with just my chin cut off so I lopped off the top of my head too. Now it looks artsy.

    I didn't have to hold Ryan but I did have someone else's baby at my feet. They were just letting this diapered demon crawl about on the floor of the DMV. He thought it was good fun to tug at the backdrop curtain.

    To their credit, the DMV did ask if I wanted to retake the photo but I had to pee and said no.

  7. Oh my god, you'd better order more jeans right away while they still make them...!

  8. Pat needs a petite size but has found that not all petite size 10 pants are the same. Her best brand name seems to be Lee Riders for jeans but one recent pair was too big, almost as though they were miss-labeled. The factory sent her a mailing envelope to return them and we are now waiting on the results. It seems to me that men's clothes are easier to find off the shelf fits than women's are.

  9. buying (or not buying)jeans, having your license pic taken and buying a bucket of chicken. you make it all sound so funny.
    glad you don't have to show off your underwear anymore, or your socks.

  10. "I so much wish I could place a comment here today."
    -Practically Joe

    On behalf of Rodney, the Practically Wisdom Blog Team is visiting everyone on the list of BLOGs he follows. He would like you to know that he greatly enjoys reading your posts and commenting on them.

    Unfortunately Rodney, sorry, we mean Practically Joe, has been heavily sedated for a long period of time now, following an accident which left him with two broken ribs and a number of minor injuries.

    He has been coming along fine and asked the team to post an account of the incident, which was posted on Sunday, 11/23.

    We have great expectations that he shall return soon, as good as new. He wishes you and every blogger a Great Thanksgiving Holiday.
    For those not in the USA … Have a great week!

    Thank You.
    The Practically Wisdom Blog Team.


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