Friday, November 28, 2008

Methane Madness

I am not shopping today.

I do not need stuff. I may need to eat a great deal of fiber today after yesterday's double duty Thanksgiving, but I don't need stuff. My colon is petulant after the serving of strawberry cheesecake and the serving of blackberry pie and the pistachio torte and the pecan pie and of course the pumpkin. Top that with heaping shovelfuls of thick foamy whipping cream chock full of lactose and saturated fats.

I can't imagine that anyone else out to get stuff, roaming in those early god foresaken hours, had less pie than I did. Run, shove, grunt and toot. I noticed that the Walmart had taken up their flooring and polished the cement to a slippery shine. Some tooting grunting shopper is going to fall on their face and their overextended turkey filled bottom halves are going to promptly exlode.

People won't care about the mess either. Theys gots to get 'um a ten dollar MP3 player and free hotdogs and Coke products. They won't notice being covered in Thanksgiving goo. Laptops ahoy!

I'm sitting in my parent's living room enjoying coffee and the quiet.

There is fiber of all sorts in their cupboards. Delicious fibery fiber.

So, if you too are sitting around today, digesting, kudos. Have a roll of Charmin' on me. There is joy in the only stuff you've got being utilized for comfortable cleansing.

UPDATE: I hit the post button, go back to Yahoo, and find that a Walmart worker was trampled and has died in this morning's madness. Christ.


  1. that is just dumb! walmart couldn't figure out that they had to protect their workers from mad overstuffed, bargain hunters??
    poor guy.

  2. Shockingly bad as the situation was, I couldn't beleive the news article went on to say what good bargains were to had at Walmart, including prices of TVs, etc.

  3. Guess you were a lot smarter than you thought! Maybe these stores and their early bird madness will wise up now.


Absent Minded Archives