Wednesday, November 12, 2008

No longer living in a glass house.

My dumb gay cat is angry with me.

Which is fine and dandy because I'm angry with my cat.

Household discord is...heh...a bitch kitty.

My cat has boundary issues. My neighbor owns a large orange cat that violates my cat's boundaries at least once a week by sitting near our sliding glass door and casing our home in the middle of the night. This causes my cat to screech at the hated orange cat and the hated orange cat to screech back through the glass, at ungodly hours, waking us all.

A couple nights ago my cat was engaged in this behavior, waking me up at 3 A.M. I moved him away from the glass, screeching and spitting, and shooed that bastard orange cat off so we could get some sleep. When I reached to calm my dumb gay cat afterwards he screeched at me and nearly succeeded in shredding apart my right hand.

So, in the sleepiest way possible, I made it known to my dumb gay cat that biting the hand that feeds you at 3 in the morning is not acceptable in my home. Housewife angry.

I finally had the bright idea last night to put a sheet of cardboard over the sliding glass door when we go to bed. It looks trashy but trashy is fine when you can't see through it and your cat can't see through it. It might look classier if I decorate it with macaroni and glitter.

This make dumb gay cat angry.

How dare I, the mistress of this house, the deliverer of canned cat food and scraps of dinner meat, block his view of the backyard and keep him from his dutiful screechy posturings in the wee hours?

He expressed his displeasure by woefully yowling.


That little fuc poohead.

Boundary issues? I'll show him boundary issues. Better not yowl tonight, I tell you whut. No one is going to care if my cat mysteriously comes up missing. I brought you here you whiny feline twit and I will take you out!


  1. Heh! I think you definitely need to decorate that cardboard with macaroni & glitter... he is gay, after all.

    Maybe he is just upset about Prop. 8 in California, I know I am. : )

  2. So tell me Hank, is your dumb gay cat neutered? I'm sure he is. I only ask because he might be yowling more if he's not. Something tells me that if you're the President of the Homeowners Association (notice the caps, as befitting a woman of your position?), your cat has no sackage. Tell me something else: do you have a garage? Tell me something else: will you mind terribly if you have to punch him in the throat? That should render him at least temporarily speechless ... !

    Seriously, I'd go for the garage thingy if you have one. Well, I don't suppose you haven't thought of this. How about the bathroom?

    Wait, best idea yet! You know how that 14-year-old irritates the crap out of you? PUT THE CAT IN THERE! Oh, I love me. I love my ideas. That idea is positively STELLAR!

    If none of these ideas work, let me know and I'll send you duct tape.

  3. I've put the cat in the garage before...and put the little insert in the cat door. You know what he does? He rams the cat door with his head all night long.

    I could put him the bathroom. That might do. He'd still yowl.

    You think Scott would take his cat back?

  4. Thanks for the great tip. Do you think I could substitute rotini for the macaroni?

  5. Rotini is way too classy for me.

  6. I am guessing the Farfalle bowtie pastas are out of the question as well then...

  7. For some reason I love it that your cat rams his head against the cat door all night. I just love it.

    This is not a smart beast, is it?

  8. I suggest throwing him out there for a night or two next time he starts yowling...that may satisfy some of his interest in the backyard.

  9. I've let my cat out at night before. That results in my cat and this orange cat getting very bloody and my neighbors getting very annoyed with me.

    He's allowed to be outside all day long if that's what he wants. Instead he sleeps.

    Gina, I was not kidding when I said this cat was dumb and gay.

    And he barfs a lot.

  10. An orange cat lives in our neighbourhood that bugs our cat. Only problem is that our cat is blind and cant defend himself. Nevertheless, he still wants to go outside. Since he is blind, he cant jump over the fence so he stays in out back yard. But the orange cat can see and jumps over our fence to attack out cat, grrrr. That happened one time in July and neighbours all came running out thinking a plane had crashed cuz i yelled so loud at that orange cat!

    Anyways, if our cat gets carried away and wants to go outside and attack that cat, or a squirel or a groundhog or worse yet, a skunk, we just toss him in the basement. After about 20 minutes he gets tired of yowling and gives up.

    Of course our cat is somewhat smart, he even knows to attack the computer mouse or a PC users hand when using the mouse to get attention. I am actually surprised that your cat didnt try to knockdown or eat the cardboard to get a better view.

    Anyways good luck you are going to need it! Try convincing your sons that u bought the cat for then, if u indeed did, and they need to take it to their bedroom at night. Or if u have a full basement u could try my trick.


  11. I'd just paint a big orange cat on the cardboard....

    He'll finally get sick of him.

  12. We need to see a picture of your ______ errrr cat!



Absent Minded Archives