Monday, December 08, 2008

Hanky Panky

Something is going on with my nose.

It could be just the normal winter dry sinuses or I've accidentally snorted my dumb gay cat in my sleep. I swear there is something up there. It keeps shifting around at inconvenient moments. I'd have to go at least past the second knuckle to try to push back this hernia in my head.

At home lobotomies are frowned upon in intellectual circles.

So, I'm feeling abnormally off kilter instead of my usual lovable off kilter. Since the cat is whining to go out, maybe I snorted the set of five pound hand weights next to the bed. They are rubber coated for comfort.

I'll take a shower later and crack my tub when the steam causes ten pounds of weights to slip out of my right nostril. That's OK. I hate my tub insert. A nasal accident gives me the excuse to replace it with something less motel chic.

Only half of my legs will get shaved today if that's the case.

But lord I'm swollen up in my head. If I didn't know better I'd claim I am nose pregnant. No, I don't know how that happens.

You're all invited to the miracle of the birth.


  1. You need a Neti Pot! EVERY ONE swears by them, including Dr. Oz on Opi, and the Doctors ~ you know them, they have their own show. Dr. Schnoz (I don't know his real name, he's the one with the big nose) actually used it on the show and a WHOLE LOT OF CRAP came out of his nose while he was congested. He use it at home. He's prone to a lot of colds and congestion and allergies. Says the Neti Pot saves him endlessly. You can apparently buy them at your local drug stores and department stores. OR, your next trip to civilization, which ever comes first. I want to watch you use it. VIDEOTAPE IT!

  2. Neti Pot sounds like a sinus enema.

    I'll keep my boogers, thanks.

  3. "If I didn't know better I'd claim I am nose pregnant."

    That must be where snot-nose brats come from.

  4. The Neti Pot IS A SINUS ENEMA. Fabulous description. Fabulous. Positively lovely.

  5. You could try snorting wasabi mustard . . .


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