Thursday, December 18, 2008

It took me two hours to write this post because sex causes babies and babies grow into demanding three year olds.

I was thinking about clitorissussusses yesterday. (Clitori?)

Anyway, I was thinking about how them little buggers have no other reason for being other than to make happy time. No functionality. You can still digest food, breathe, move about, and procreate without one. Maybe a woman would do all that digesting and breathing more cranky, but still, isn't it awful nice to have a clitoris?

My little sister gave me an interesting book over the Thanksgiving vacation. It's out of print now and it should be, even though it has given me a good laugh.

She gave me the 1965 sixty-fourth reprinting of "The Modern Sex Manual" by Edward Poldosky, M.D., copyrighted 1942. Apparently my copy is worth as much as 16 bucks. Thanks Jill!

Though old Ed might have been highly educated, being a doctor of some sort, his writings lead me to believe that he's never had sex with the lights on or even with a real live woman at all. He tells me that I'm sexually frigid or immature if my clitoris doesn't change it's position to contact a man's winky during intercourse and that making contact with a clitoris in any other way leads to abnormal nerve stimulation and nervous conditions.

Oh, and he says that since I'm flatchested, it's readily apparent that I cannot have a satisfying sexual relationship because I'm sexually stunted and would have difficult pregnancies.

Ain't I glad I've got much better information available to me today! I do not have to remain a blushing unschooled bride when there is the internets with it's millions charts and graphics explaining my anatomy and the act to me.

Much better than this graphic from the book.


Mmmm, he looks vigorous. Me likey.

I'm trusting that you can educate yourself on the clitoris using Google. Find your own badly shot, badly dubbed, silicone filled and airbrushed charts.

In thinking about clitorussessesss this morning I'm wondering if I could assign another function to it and what that might be? Not that I'm disappointed with it's current function...no, not at all...I'm estatic about it. Men's happy bits have more than one function and I'm all about equality you know.

Perhaps it could produce some sort of signal that would let us women know if in fact we do look fat in our pants.

Maybe it could glandularly emit a soothing lavender sachet scent all the time, for even extra stress relief.

Or, it could light up or beep on the fertile days of your cycle so family planning becomes a cinch.


But then again, maybe us women would be better off to learn from example and we didn't multi-task so much.

13 comments:

  1. Or, it could light up or beep...


    ...and become the lead character in a classic Christmas special.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love that the dude's arms are all up and strong an' shit. Oooo.

    You KNOW you're in the google search engine under, "clitoris" now and every sicko looking for porn is going to find you. You just increased your readership by 200%!! But not necessarily in a good way.

    Should have put up a chart ... for those who have never found it ....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ooh! I want mine to be lavender-scented.

    ReplyDelete
  4. lol @ gina, she is likely right.

    Welcome perv surfers its about time u followed this other perv here.

    Erf

    ReplyDelete
  5. if there were no clitorussessess, there would be no happy time for ladies and the world would be a very very scary place....especially my husbands world.

    but yeah, lavender would be awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Clitoris.

    Dammit, Google it. But don't Google it at work.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I googled it at work, even, shhhhh

    And it has its own web site:

    www.the-clitoris.com

    So if anyone's man is having trouble finding their's, just tell them where to click ;)

    Erf

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love that clitoris site. I've been recommending it to the ignorant for years.

    However, I do not recommend the brother site about the penis. It's not by the same folks and isn't nearly as work friendly.

    I got some lavender to sniff.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ok, Becky.

    I looked at stuff. WHY did I look at stuff? I'm disturbed now. Mostly I'm disturbed because the woman I'm looking at is so freakin' happy about what her body is doing and I just don't get it. I really don't.

    It's going to be many days before I get the images out of my mind.

    I'm going to look at more (shut up).

    ReplyDelete
  10. Gina, some people's happy making is other people's horror shows. Just put down the mouse and walk away darling.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I believe the clitoris DOES serve a very important purpose. When properly stimulated it causes us to stop worrying about money, driving the kids fifty million places, whether we look bad in that new dress we bought, how messy the how is and why our husband continues to forget to take the garbage out.
    The clitoris purpose is to remove all worry and clutter from our minds and fill it with nothing but bliss, at least temporarily.

    I'm liking that purpose and can be satisfied with that...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks for the site link to clitoris.com.

    I can finally say I've found it!!

    ReplyDelete

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